Should You Ignore Your Ex Boyfriend to Get Him Back? Yes!

ignore your ex boyfriendBy now you’ve heard at least a few people suggesting that ignoring your ex boyfriend is the way to get him back. You know that it’s hard, right? How can you possibly just stop trying to get him to come back to you? You’re really worried that if you ignore him, he’s going to take that as a sign that you’re not interested at all and he’ll go out looking for someone else to get close to. It makes sense, doesn’t it? It does but the truth is that male brains aren’t wired the same way that ours are. Men don’t view someone ignoring them as the kiss of death. They actually become more intrigued if their ex girlfriend suddenly seems completely disinterested in them. That’s why you’re going to find it very effective if you can muster up the strength to block your ex boyfriend out of your thoughts for at least a couple of weeks.

 

The Male Psychology That Will Win Him Back

Men cannot stand rejection. It’s simply a fact of life. Consider any man you’ve ever known in your life be it your ex boyfriend, your brother, a friend or even your father. If they are shut out of something they truly want, they generally won’t take “no” for an answer. They’ll fight reject your ex boyfriendand claw their way back into the running. That stands true if it’s a job they want, if there’s a house they’re longing to buy or if there’s a woman they love. A man doesn’t want to feel as though he’s not good enough and if you suddenly ignore him, that’s exactly the emotion that it’s going to produce in your ex boyfriend. He’ll start to wonder why you don’t want anything to do with him anymore and he’ll work hard at getting your attention back.

You can do a simple trial run of this if you’re still a non-believer.(Don’t feel badly for that –I was exactly the same way when my boyfriend left me. I couldn’t imagine that ignoring him would be good in any way.) Stop trying to call your ex boyfriend beginning this minute. Don’t ring him up again for at least the next day or two. Chances are very good that you’re going to receive at least one text message or call from him asking how you are.

It’s important that you act as though you’re over him and the easiest way to do that is to ignore him. His male pride is going to take over and he’s going to see your behavior as a sign of personal rejection. Panic will set in and he’ll instinctively set out to win you back.

Don’t Announce That You’re Going to Ignore Him

It may feel very tempting to tell your ex boyfriend that you’ll be ignoring him just so you can see his reaction, but avoid doing this. If you tell hdont talk to ex boyfriendim that you’re not going to pay him any attention anymore, you’re actually defeating the entire purpose of doing this.

The moment you confide in him that you’re done with him, he’ll see it as a rouse or a game. You can’t allow that to happen. You have to simply slowly stop answering his text messages and calls. You can’t initiate any contact anymore and if he happens to run into you on the street or at your favorite coffee shop, just tell him that you’ve been especially busy and you don’t have time to chat.

You must make it appear as though you’re naturally investing in your own life again. If he thinks that you’re willfully ignoring him, he’s going to become angry with you and treat you in exactly the same way.

Make a promise to yourself that you’re going to remove yourself from his life for a set number of weeks, and then follow through. You have to view this as a process and part of the path to get him back again. Keep quiet about your intentions. It’s vital that you don’t confide in any mutual friends or they’ll tell him and your plan won’t work.

Win Your Boyfriend Back By Investing in Yourself Again

i miss my ex boyfriendWhile you’re ignoring your ex boyfriend you need to do something to keep yourself busy and occupied. The best thing you can possibly do is pay more attention to yourself. If you’ve been mourning the loss of the relationship you probably haven’t taken the time to take care of yourself. This is detrimental in so many ways and you need to address it before your physical or emotional health suffers.

Your ex isn’t going to want you back if you’re a mess so it’s time to take care of you. This may involve taking a short vacation with a friend – think of it as a girl’s weekend away or perhaps you can focus on a venue closer to home and spend the day at a spa being pampered and cared for.

Another great way to help you see the value in you again is to clear out the past. A great way to do this is to pack up all the clothing items you haven’t used in over a year and donate them to charity or drop them off at a consignment shop. Visiting the salon to get a new haircut and color can also chase away the blues and give you a new and fierce outlook on life.

Improve yourself in every way you know how and your ex boyfriend is bound to take a second glance when you two do reconnect in the future. You want to show him that you’re better when you’re not with him. When he senses that he’s going to do everything in his power to prove you wrong by convincing you to take him back

Important – You have one chance to get him back. If you don’t take the right steps in the days and weeks following the break up, you will lose the man you love forever. It’s truly that simple. You have to have a grasp on the male psychology that is at work in your ex boyfriend’s mind and you have to understand exactly what to do and say to get him to want you back. If you do anything wrong, you risk losing him to another woman for good. Don’t make that mistake. Watch this video now.

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257 Comments on Should You Ignore Your Ex Boyfriend to Get Him Back? Yes!

  1. Andy Zebley
    August 12, 2013 at 1:56 am (468 days ago)

    By ignoring your ex boyfriend, it is making him wonder if you care about him anymore. He was expecting you to be chasing him and telling him you cannot live without him. When he hears about the good time you are having with your friends, he will remember the good times he had with you. It will not be long before he notices a large void in his life and realize that it used to be filled by you. All of these thoughts will cause him to miss you and have second thoughts about the breakup.

  2. Elizabeth Olivera-Dominguez
    August 12, 2013 at 2:15 am (468 days ago)

    We brokeup last week and im going to do the contact rule. However.. His birthday is on the second week of aout.. Should i txt him “Happy Birthday!” at least only those 2 words..would it ruin the no contact rule.

    • Gillian Reynolds
      August 12, 2013 at 2:56 am (468 days ago)

      Hi Elizabeth – I’m sorry to hear about the break up. You’re definitely in a very unique situation and it’s truly unfortunate that you have to deal with your ex boyfriend’s birthday right after a break up. Every couple is different and his reaction to you saying “Happy Birthday” may be met with gratitude in a best case scenario situation or he may just jump to the incorrect conclusion that you’re using his birthday has a way to reconnect with him. Since the break up was so recent, I would send a short and very straightforward “Happy Birthday” text. Don’t include ANYTHING else in the text message to your ex boyfriend. No “I miss you” or “I have a present for you.” You have to keep it on topic and don’t expect a response. If he does happen to respond it’s likely not going to be anything more elaborate than a “thanks.” After that cut off all contact again and keep it cut off for at least the next few weeks. Good luck and stay strong!

  3. Edgar Centeno
    August 12, 2013 at 2:18 am (468 days ago)

    The only basic thing to understand about men is that they can easily become addicted to the things that are just out of their reach. So don’t force him to love you and simply become unavailable for him, and focus your attention in improving yourself and your personal life.

  4. Quincy Gunn
    August 12, 2013 at 2:27 am (468 days ago)

    The positive changes you make in your personality will make him want you even more than before, and eventually, he will be addicted to you and will surely want you back in his life.

  5. Nancy
    October 29, 2013 at 7:32 pm (389 days ago)

    We broke up last week and this week he got his final exam results where he failed one subject and has to repeat it. Iv not contacted him since last thursday, but my mom has contacted him and his mom…but i havent. What shud i do, i want to console him for his loss but wud dat make me look desperate?

    • Gillian Reynolds
      October 31, 2013 at 5:24 pm (387 days ago)

      Hi Nancy – I’d advise you to continue with the no contact. If you’re really struggling with that send a simple text saying you heard about the test results from your mom and you hope he’s okay. Don’t offer to talk with him or help him in any way. You don’t want to open the door to him rejecting you again which is exactly what would happen if you offered a supportive shoulder and he ignored you or turned you down. Try to find the strength to no contact him at all at least for a few more weeks.

  6. Leilani
    November 4, 2013 at 1:46 am (384 days ago)

    My boyfriend broke up with me today , my birthday I really want to try the No contact Rule , im in so much pain im just afraid that if he does contact me again ill answer and run back to him . We were together for 4 years

    • Gillian Reynolds
      November 6, 2013 at 10:09 pm (381 days ago)

      Hi Leilani – First, let me say belated Happy Birthday to you. I know that you likely don’t feel like celebrating, but remember above all else that you need to take care of yourself. When my boyfriend and I first broke up many years ago (he’s my husband now) I was very panicked. I knew logically that avoiding him was the best route for me to take, but my heart wasn’t going along with that plan. I would promise myself that I’d do no contact in the morning and by late afternoon I was falling all over myself trying to get his attention either via phone, text, email or sometimes even in person. I was a mess and he truly didn’t want anything to do with me. Then I made a decision that I would look at each day as a entity onto itself. I knew that if I used every bit of willpower that I had, that I could stop talking to him at least for that day. I did and the one day turned into two, then three and finally several weeks. He came running back to me and we’ve been together ever since. Do everything you can to avoid the temptation to call him. He will call you if you can stay strong and silent. In life and love, Gillian

  7. Amanda Bohbot
    November 6, 2013 at 8:15 pm (381 days ago)

    Hi,

    my boyfriend and I broke up a couple of days ago. He hasn’t been clear with me, I know he cares for me a lot, and is always scared that I will meet someone else or leave him (as we are in a long distance relationship). He has not had closure with me, however he doesn’t answer my calls for a couple of days, and won’t answer if he still cares or anything. He did however try to call yesterday and wrote me a text that he is sorry he is very down lately, but that I pushed him away a lot.
    Thing is, he tried to stay in contact with me every day, posting funny pictures when I write a status on Facebook. So he always remains there. I am trying to do the no contact rule, but he always manages to find himself present, and not to “dissappear” from my life.
    What do I do, I love him very much, and want him back, but don’t want to appear desperate, or that I’m over him.

    Please advise,

    Amanda

    • Gillian Reynolds
      November 6, 2013 at 10:06 pm (381 days ago)

      Hi Amanda, I’m sorry you’re dealing with such a difficult situation. I can tell from the tone of your message that you truly love your ex boyfriend. Your boyfriend is obviously confused and that confusion is translating into a lot of mixed signals with you. The fact that he posts on facebook is clearly a sign that he’s trying to ensure that you don’t forget about him (I know that’s hard to believe given how much you adore him). You’re handling the situation in exactly the right way. You have to create some emotional distance between you and your ex boyfriend if you hope to get him to want you back. Right now, he still knows that you are right there, waiting, willing and wanting him. Continue to avoid him as much as you can. This will give him the emotional room he needs to sort through what he’s feeling and also it will help him to get a sense of his life without you. Wishing you all the best. Gillian

  8. Mel
    November 7, 2013 at 6:15 am (381 days ago)

    Hello Gillian, so I’ve recently come out of a little toxic relationship where all we did was argue over stupid silly things. At first my ex was extremely over protective and obsessive as he had been hurt by other women before. He had to see me every day without fail, The ball was always in my court it was him always wanting me and obsessing over me. We spent every waking moment together day in day out. Before he met me he was a drug user and i literally changed his life got him off that scene and got him work and now he’s doing a degree and got his life on track. But the last month I started being the jealous one and I started being over protective and the tables have now turned for the worst. He recently started taking steroids to enhance his appearance (which he’s done before) and the mood this time has just switched instantly! Hence the break up. He tried to break up with me three or four times over the past three weeks and I wouldn’t let him lol the last thing he said to me was “I’m interested in someone else” which I believe might be a cop out to just get me out as I wouldn’t give him the space he asked for because I was now “too jealous” So now in attempting the “no contact rule” as he has made it very clear he dosnt want me in his life. I’m not sure how to approach this situation as it’s gone from 390 days of being together every waking moment to just nothing….. What should I do? I di believe the relationship can work but at the same time I don’t know if I can turn these tables… Help xx

    • Gillian Reynolds
      November 8, 2013 at 1:58 am (380 days ago)

      Hi Mel – I’m so sorry that you are going through this. I can tell that you care very deeply for this man. You two have shared so much and it sounds as though you’ve been such a strong, and positive influence in his life. You’re right in deciding to take the route of no contact. I know it’s hard but it’s worth it if you can keep on course. There’s such a large void left when a relationship ends and we sometimes struggle to find ways to feel those emotional voids and so we obsess over our ex and all those wonderful moments we shared. It’s impossible not to do that and it’s actually part of the process of recovering from a relationship break up. The mere fact that he has been pulling away for a few weeks tells me that he definitely does need space to sort through what he’s feeling. If he knows you’re willing to wait for him, he’s not going to feel the emptiness that you’re currently feeling. I highly doubt that he’s interested in anyone else – I agree that it’s likely just a rouse to get you to let go for now. Be as strong as you can be when it comes to stay away from him. Once he feels the loss in his life – he’ll panic and he will contact you. It’s one of the few male behavior patterns that we can actually predict. Give him space, take care of yourself and he’ll pop back into your life looking for a way to convince you that you’re the woman he needs. It may not happen, today, or tomorrow but give it time. In life and love, Gillian

    • Mel
      November 11, 2013 at 5:04 am (377 days ago)

      Thanks Gillian. Been trying my absolute best until I failed miserably at the no contact rule which led me to his house wanting answers?!!! HUGE MISTAKE!!!! He went bananas flipped it, couldn’t stand to see me. But he even said himself “just when I started to wonder about you (as I was silent for 3-4 days) i just made him dispise me again” so now I’m back on full course 100% not only to see if he comes back, but to also get my dignity back! I definitely believe you’re advise would work and hopefully I stick to my guns xx Day 1- passed :) happy and feeling strong. Thankyou xx

    • Gillian Reynolds
      November 13, 2013 at 5:47 pm (374 days ago)

      Hi Mel – I’m proud of you! Keep up the good work. In life and love, Gillian

    • Ashley
      December 12, 2013 at 1:04 am (346 days ago)

      Hi mel- I’m going through the same thing, so I feel for you. Gillian gave some great advice. I wish you the best. Hang in there.

  9. Amanda Bohbot
    November 8, 2013 at 12:54 am (380 days ago)

    Thank you so much Gillian for your kind words, I hope distance will help, rather then losing our memories.
    best
    Amanda

  10. Lilly
    November 8, 2013 at 7:57 am (380 days ago)

    Hey, my ex boyfriend and I broke up on December 2012, I deleted him off my Facebook. Its November and I’ve mangled to slowly move on, until he decided to add my little sister on Facebook. For those entire 9 months we had no contact. I told my sister to confirm him, & message him asking why he has added her, he said he didn’t mean to add her, he was just looking through her profile because she looked like me, he sand I noticed he had a girlfriend, they had a picture, 2 says after he untags himself off the picture

  11. Lilly
    November 8, 2013 at 8:02 am (380 days ago)

    Hey, my ex boyfriend “1st boyfriend” and I broke up on December 2012. I deleted him off my Facebook and never contacted him. Its November 2013 and I’ve managed to move on, little by little, until he decided to add my little sister on Facebook. For those entire 9 months we had no contact. I told my sister to confirm him, & message him asking why he has added her, he said he didn’t mean to add her, he was just looking through her profile because she looked like me. I stalked his profile & noticed he had a girlfriend. That broke me. They had a picture together, 2 days after he untags himself off the picture & deletesit off his wall. Should I message him? Add him and say nothing to him? Or should I leave it alone. But if I do, he’s going to completely forget about me

    Reply to this comment

    • Gillian Reynolds
      November 8, 2013 at 2:57 pm (379 days ago)

      Hi Lilly – He’s not going to completely forget you. In fact, the contrary is actually happening. The very fact that he was looking on facebook at your sister’s profile suggests that he’s thinking about you. My best guess would be that he didn’t add her because she looked like you. He added her because he was hoping to fish for some information about you or gain some insight into how you’re doing or what’s going on in your life right now. The fact that he has a girlfriend isn’t that significant given the fact that he’s reaching out to you in a very roundabout way. He still has feelings for you and the sad fact of life is that some men take months (or even years) to fully realize how much they love and need an ex girlfriend. At this point, I’d strongly suggest that you do nothing. He’s failing a bit – that’s obvious by his actions when he took down the image of him and his current girlfriend. He wants to reconnect so allow him to do so at his own pace. If you add him on facebook or message him, he may feel cornered and will retreat again. In life and love, Gillian

    • Lilly
      November 9, 2013 at 12:01 am (379 days ago)

      Thank you so much Gillian for the response. The guy has too much pride, and that hurt our relationship a lot. Should my sister keep him on Facebook, or unfriend him?

    • Gillian Reynolds
      November 9, 2013 at 3:45 am (379 days ago)

      Hi Lilly – Your sister shouldn’t unfriend him on Facebook. If she does that’s going to look like a direct rejection from you. He reached out to her as a method of getting closer to you so allow him to do that. The only reason I’d give for her to unfriend him is if he begins asking too many questions about you. If that happens she should kindly suggest to him that he contact you direct. Good luck. In life and love, Gillian

  12. Mizz
    November 10, 2013 at 4:48 pm (377 days ago)

    My boyfriend broke up with me about 2 months ago. I did keep texting a bit during the first week and he ignored then tried 2 weeks later texting he ignored. Then left it trying to do no contact for a month. 4 weeks in he texts me but it was a hookup message but I responded the next day asking if he was drunk he just said yeah and said sorry and we spoke a little. I texted a few days later we spoke more then he blocked me on whatsapp. But I can still text him normally I tried texting 1 week later then the week after that where I just told him I missed him. I stopped contacting 4 weeks later he texts me “Are you awake?” which I ignored. We haven’t really been without each other like no contact completely yet. Is the no contact working? I keep thinking he should’ve moved on an forgotten me since he may have dumped me for another girl who’s still seeing but yet he still tries to text me. Is the girl a rebound? and even deleted my number but he hasn’t.

    • Gillian Reynolds
      November 13, 2013 at 5:51 pm (374 days ago)

      Hi Mizz – You’re doing everything exactly as you should be. Good on you for not responding to his hook up text. That sent him a very clear message. Judging by what you’ve shared I do believe that if he’s seeing someone else it’s a rebound. He wouldn’t be still trying to text you if he was completely into her. Stay strong and keep avoiding him. After another week or two passes you can respond to one of his texts with a very generic message – something like “hey, how’s it going?” or “what’s new in your world?” Keep it friendly and end the exchange quickly. Don’t talk about the break up or about wanting to get back together. You want him to feel as though you’re over him – that’s one of the best ways to get him to rethink the break up. In life and love, Gillian

    • Mizz
      November 13, 2013 at 8:47 pm (374 days ago)

      What clear message would it have sent him?
      I do wonder if no contact completely would be better he seems to treat this girl better and take her out and think even told his family about her so I worry that maybe it’s serious and the more I’m there trying to get him back he might just see me as a back up? I was thinking maybe just no contact and he’ll miss me at some point.

    • Gillian Reynolds
      November 13, 2013 at 9:00 pm (374 days ago)

      Hi Mizz – The very clear message is that you’re not about to be his hook up partner. You may not realize how many women in your position don’t think twice about jumping back into bed with an ex boyfriend in an effort to get his attention again. It doesn’t work so by not responding to his text suggesting you two hook up you were showing him that you value yourself more than that and you’re not interested in just being his sex partner. No contact is definitely the route to take. He needs to feel that you’re not sitting there waiting for him. You don’t want him to perceive you as a back up and the way to do that is to cut off all contact now. In life and love, Gillian

    • Mizz
      November 14, 2013 at 9:31 pm (373 days ago)

      I always wonder if he likes this girl more since he seems to have told people about her and early on and takes her out. He didn’t take me out that much we just spent time together hanging out really. We were still working on that part. Maybe he just doesn’t like me? She does seem similar to me in away as in she seems kind of classy .

  13. Lucy A
    November 11, 2013 at 5:40 am (377 days ago)

    Hey! I seem to always be there for my boyfriend at every waking moment when he’s going through his situation with family, answering every call/text, but with him….it’s like flipping a coin. He either pays me attention or not. He also flips from “luv” to “love” like a child. I’m so tired of it. What do I do? I’m so ready to give him to the birds! Thanks!

    • Gillian Reynolds
      November 13, 2013 at 5:46 pm (374 days ago)

      Hi Lucy – Now may be a good time for you two to take a break. He’s taking advantage of your caring nature and he’s not returning the favor which just leads to a very unbalanced connection. If you pull back and allow him to experience his life without you, it will help him see how deeply he really does care for you. The next time he has a crisis, tell him kindly that you’d like to help but you already have your hands full with your own issues. This is a very subtle and sensitive way of telling him that your more important than him in your own mind. He needs to feel that before he can truly appreciate everything you bring to his life. In life and love, Gillian

  14. Amanda
    November 13, 2013 at 12:20 am (375 days ago)

    Hi I am in love with my ex truly. He is 40 and I’m 22. I know its a big difference, but I like it. I feel the need to be molded and satisfy him. He doesn’t know that but is that in a bom shell. I am very attractive and modest. I try to avoid him being jelouse or talking to other men. Now that you know a bit about us, he always thinks I’m lieing, cheating , or that I have a mother man. Also I’m trying to play him is his new one. He has no facts or good reasons and I want him to change . So he left! This is the second time. I don’t only want him back I want him to change. I’m so crazy about him I called Steve wilko and they offered to fly us out and give me a lie detector test…… but he wouldn’t . Will ignoring him work and how long must I. I miss him !!!! Please help!!!

    • Amanda
      November 13, 2013 at 12:25 am (375 days ago)

      Sorry about the words my phones auto correct gets crazy when I type in a panic .

    • Gillian Reynolds
      November 13, 2013 at 5:44 pm (374 days ago)

      Hi Amanda – Don’t worry about the auto correct issue. You should see the ridiculous messages I send when I’m trying to type on my phone. It’s not pretty. :) Here’s the bottom line – you are dealing with a man with serious insecurity issues. I’d guess that it’s because of the age difference. In his mind he likely believes it’s just a matter of time before you leave him for someone else. You say that you want him back and that you want him to change, but you can’t change him. He has the power to do that and there’s not much you can do to aid in that. My best advice is to ask him to meet you and explain sincerely how you feel about him. Ask him what you can do to prove to him that you are being genuine. If he still accuses you of things you’re not guilty of, it might be best to separate for a time and give him some room to think about things. Often in relationships one person’s insecurity overwhelms the connection. Stay true to who you are and don’t allow this man to change you. You’ve done nothing wrong – you have nothing to prove other than the fact that you do love him. Tell him and leave the rest to him. In life and love, Gillian

  15. Amanda Bohbot
    November 13, 2013 at 5:20 pm (374 days ago)

    Hi Gillian,

    I’m sorry to bother you again wit my problems;), although I don’t know what else to do. my situation is a little unique and I’m feeling terrible about it… After not contacting him ,he continued to reappear in my life by Facebook all the time, and he finally did call and asked me I missed him and that he still wanted to see me, it’s just that he has been depressed… However we’re back on the same old band wagon, he’s still not giving me a sign of life, and that is really hurting me. Since he has contacted me, in my mind it gave me the permission to write to him and to be allowed to be pissed off… The only thing he wrote back to me was that I should meet someone else because “I hate him anyway”. I don’t know what I did to convey that I hate him, after my long love notes and my desperation of talking to him!?

    I’m completely devastated, and don’t know what to do anymore……..

    I hope you can understand and give me a word of advice?

    Thank you

    • Gillian Reynolds
      November 13, 2013 at 5:39 pm (374 days ago)

      Hi Amanda – I know that what you’re experiencing with your ex boyfriend right now is very hard but, unfortunately, it’s par for the course after a break up. Men panic when they feel the woman they adore pulling away. There’s this sense of urgency that overtakes them and it’s within those moments that they’ll reach out. That’s what has happened with your ex boyfriend. He felt as though you were slowly pulling away so he pulled you back. You did have every right to express what you were feeling but he wasn’t in an emotional place to hear it and absorb it yet – that’s why he made the hurtful comment about you needing to meet someone else. He’s playing games with you even if he isn’t fully aware of it. He’s not emotionally ready to get back together yet. Leave him alone again. He really desperately needs time to sort through his own issues. You can’t help him with that even though you likely want to. Let him be. He needs to work on his insecurities. He needs to be in a better place emotionally before you two can reunite. One glimmer of hope that I can give you is that it’s clear he’s crazy about you. He wants you back. His heart just isn’t ready yet. In life and love, Gillian

  16. Amanda
    November 13, 2013 at 5:53 pm (374 days ago)

    One more thing and thank you so much! So I tryed to explain in person before and hasn’t worked. Now I’m left with the no contact. He sends me text saying how do you feel when you wake up and know you had a good man and played him? So in my eyes he either is desprit to get me to text back or wants me to feel like crap. Am I on the right page? And should I continue no text back. And sorry one more thing what if he comes to my house? PS. Your awsome

    • Gillian Reynolds
      November 13, 2013 at 9:37 pm (374 days ago)

      Hi Amanda – I just wanted to add that you are definitely on the right page. You can’t do anything right in his eyes at this point so the best thing is to do nothing. Let him spin out of control. If he comes to your house, talk to him but the moment he insults you or starts blaming you for things going wrong, tell him to leave. In life and love, Gillian

  17. Amanda Bohbot
    November 13, 2013 at 6:11 pm (374 days ago)

    Thank you so much for the words, it really reassures me, as he isnt’t mature enough to communicate clearly what is going on through his head. I don’t know how you interpret that he is crazy about me (please advise) I hope he is… but it looked as if he is the one who hates me, and is projecting? I know, it’s messed up…
    I’m also scared that what he says means he is trying to meet someone ele.
    But I will keep all you said in mind.

    Thanks!
    Amanda

    • Gillian Reynolds
      November 13, 2013 at 9:41 pm (374 days ago)

      Hi Amanda – Men send off a lot of mixed signals and sometimes when we’re trying to juggle our feelings for them, we can’t digest what their actions really mean. When a man is completely and utterly done with a woman and he wants the relationship to be over, he just stops talking to her. He moves on. Men are very good at this and it’s always a clear sign that the relationship has no future if he drops off the face of the earth. Your ex called to talk and he also send you a message telling you to meet someone else. He did that out of spite and he was hoping that you’d respond by saying, “I don’t want anyone else. I want you.” If you had responded that way, he’d still push you away because emotionally he’s not ready to get back together. If he didn’t care for you, he wouldn’t be acting so irrationally. He would have simply walked away and cut all ties for good. In life and love, Gillian

    • Heather
      April 23, 2014 at 7:31 pm (213 days ago)

      Gillian, I have to ask; you said “When a man is completely and utterly done with a woman and he wants the relationship to be over, he just stops talking to her”…my ex broke up with my a month and a half ago and moved out most of his stuff, but then after that, for the next 3 weeks I saw him once each week, and each time he was affectionate and close with me and wanted to come back…then he’d leave again and change his mind. At one point he got on his knees and told me he’d made a mistake, and we got back together…all he had to do was tell his dad he was moving back with me (he’s 25, just staying with his dad because of the breakup)…so we saw each other again a few days later and it was WONDERFUL; he told me he loved me over and over, told me everything he missed about living with me, and how excited he was to come back. The next day, he sent me texts saying how much he wished he could cuddle me, and “you are my everything” and things like this…then an hour later he had talked to his dad about coming back, and suddenly he wasn’t sure he wanted to anymore. Said he wasn’t sure if he was coming back because he loved me or because he felt guilty about leaving me. A few days later, he decided we were done for good, and took almost all the rest of his stuff, saying he wanted to focus on himself for a while, and didn’t want a relationship, etc. (though still saying he was conflicted in some ways, and before he left he kissed me and said he loved me). The next day, he told me he was proud to know me and proud and happy that he felt nothing bad toward me after the breakup, so I thought we were on good terms…but then he stopped talking to me entirely, aside from telling me to give the notice to quit to our landlord very coldly, and now he’s been supposed to come get his last few items here for the past 2 weeks, but he said he “forgot about it”, and his messages are all very short and cold. He’s got a dating profile up now, looking for a relationship, not 2 weeks after saying he didn’t want one…and pictures of him with another girl on FB, though I’m not sure if it’s just friends or not (but she’s someone I know he didn’t know during our over 3 years together), and he only talks to me if he HAS to, very quickly, and very coldly. Is that my proof that he absolutely wants to be done and move on? How can it change from love to being completely done so quickly, if he holds nothing against me?

    • Gillian Reynolds
      May 3, 2014 at 4:56 pm (203 days ago)

      Hi Heather – He’s 25. He’s incredibly confused. I would venture a guess that his father is influencing him a lot. Just by what you wrote – I’m guessing that others are telling him that he’s too young to be tied down and he should be out playing the field. He’s obviously taking their advice. As devastating as it is, I wouldn’t put a lot of stock in the fact that he’s actively searching for someone new. He’s doing that to try and escape the emotional pain he’s feeling. He hasn’t given himself any time to process the break up – he’s bouncing around and once he does take some time to really digest that he’s pushed you away, he’ll likely panic and want you back. You have to be strong and let him go for now. Please consider the fact that you don’t want anyone who doesn’t want you. Right now – he’s make it clear that he’s not interested. (Even though I doubt that’s true.) Be strong, let him go and sit back patiently because I’m guessing that man is going to come crawling back within the next few months. In life and love, Gillian

    • Heather
      April 23, 2014 at 7:36 pm (213 days ago)

      I should probably also mention that just a few days after his ‘final decision’, we ran into each other at a coffee shop, where he was with another girl…we didn’t talk, just waved, and then he later told me (when we were in contact for him to tell me to give the notice to quit to the landlord) that he had waved cause he had wanted to say hi and introduce the girl, so I would know he wasn’t on a date. But then he starts a dating profile the next day, and sees this other girl…?

  18. Amanda
    November 13, 2013 at 7:15 pm (374 days ago)

    Again I’m getting text that make me want to be like ARE YOU DUM I JUST WANT YOU!!!! He says I’m not answering because I’m with my other man… so do I still ignore him, its not like if I answer he will say let’s get back together . He will just torment me :( and call me names. I still want him back. I figure when I have no contact one of the text will be how r you . And when I get the chance to have a say so and upper hand I can lay down some rules and ask him what I can do to stop this on going accusations.

    • Gillian Reynolds
      November 13, 2013 at 9:35 pm (374 days ago)

      Hi Amanda – Unfortunately, you’re right. If you do respond he will just torment you. Ignoring him at this point is the best course of action for you to take. He needs this time to think and to absorb what’s happened between you two. Right now he’s cycling through missing you and being angry with you. Eventually those feelings of anger will subside and he’ll be overwhelmed with longing. Give it time and stay strong. Avoiding him is the healthiest choice right now for both you and the relationship. In life and love, Gillian

  19. Anette
    November 13, 2013 at 9:49 pm (374 days ago)

    My boyfriend just broke up with me about 5 days ago. He said that I’m the best girlfriend he’s ever had , and that I’m basically perfect in every way. He said he wasn’t feeling the spark anymore, that I was too nice to him. He wanted me to argue ,and complain because it made it seem like I was trying. Which I understand because I’d try to avoid conflict at any time and I’d always end up apologizing. I recently started ignoring him, and not being there all the time like I used to. Since , he’s texted me goodnight, and goodmorning which he stopped doing after like a month into the relationship. I see him at the gym and I ignore him, or just give him a little smile. But I see him starring at me the whole time. Does it mean that theres still hope of getting back together? The ignoring thing has been working, but he lives 3 houses away, and gets mad at me saying Im avoiding him. lol he confuses the hell out of me.

    • Gillian Reynolds
      November 13, 2013 at 9:56 pm (374 days ago)

      Hi Anette – You’re definitely in a tricky situation. Three houses between you two? That makes it a challenge to do no contact, doesn’t it? :) You’re doing everything exactly as you should and the fact that he’s staring at you, texting you again and getting mad at you suggests he’s definitely still carrying a torch for you. He cares and I believe the distance is helping him see what you truly meant to him. Although it’s a challenge to continue the no contact since you live so close to one another, do the best you can. I predict that very soon he’s going to want to talk about things and he’ll tell you just how much you really do mean to him. In life and love, Gillian

    • Anette
      November 13, 2013 at 10:11 pm (374 days ago)

      Thank you so much, I hope this works I love him very much,he even let me meet his daughter which I’ve been the first gf to do so since he and the babies mother split up.
      His family loves me, and his mom wants me to continue coming over, she even gets mad at him and tells him off if he treats me bad or does something stupid. Is she helping me in a way or making it worse? lol

    • Gillian Reynolds
      November 13, 2013 at 10:15 pm (374 days ago)

      Hi Anette – I think she’s helping you. Sometimes we need a hypothetical knock over the head to realize something. The fact that he wanted you to meet his daughter speaks to how serious he viewed the relationship. Stay on the track you’re on now and let him feel your absence from his life. In life and love, Gillian

    • Anette
      November 13, 2013 at 10:18 pm (374 days ago)

      Thank you so much for your help!

  20. Anette
    November 13, 2013 at 9:57 pm (374 days ago)

    He also said he would love to stay friends, he’s really worried that I’ll end up hating him.
    He says ” the last thing I ever wanted to do was hurt you, please don’t hate me.”
    Is he just saying this because he feels bad for being a jerk, or because he really does love me?

    • Gillian Reynolds
      November 13, 2013 at 10:07 pm (374 days ago)

      Hi Anette – He’s conflicted I think. If he didn’t care for you in a romantic sense any longer, he wouldn’t be concerned with how you perceive him. Many men believe that they’ll be able to get over an ex girlfriend in the blink of an eye but actually come to realize how much they love her after the relationship has ended. He is worried about your perception of his which suggests that he still cares deeply for you. Men cycle through their emotions at a much different rate than we do after a break up. I believe he’s trying to find a balance but is struggling because he’s realizing he still loves you. In life and love, Gillian

  21. Amanda Bohbot
    November 14, 2013 at 2:44 am (374 days ago)

    Thank you so much Gillian. I also am reading the the other threads of the other girls writing here, and it is crazy how similar we are. My also told me i was the most important ex he had, and that he wanted to grow old with me, and his family loved me (especially his mother). But the more I push, the more he goes on hate mode. But I see this girl crawling after him on the net and it drives me crazy… I don’t want to block him, but I don’t understand if he’s trying to end it, why he doesn’t have the respect of telling me clearly what is going on, when 2 days ago it was great on the phone…
    But I will reflect on your words, as the no contact rule looks better, as hard as it is.

    Thing is, he tells me he is depressed, and I know he is (as he doesnt have a job at the moment and his father is sick), but he tries to keep appearences on his Facebook… I know this is childish…

    • Zuly
      December 12, 2013 at 2:35 pm (345 days ago)

      It all started when I went to michigan to visit my mother for 2 weeks. I noticed that he wasnt calling me as much so i thought that was odd. I asked him about it & he say he just wanted to spend as much time with my mother as possible. So I let it go. Then the day before I was leaving. He says he was going to call me when he got out of work & instead ends up speaking to one of his ex girlfriend from 6 years ago. Next day I get no call or text saying sorry or anything. so while im waiting for his text. I see he’s on Instagram..so I called & went off on him. He ends up going to work then hours later I get a text saying we need to talk when you get back. I said okay about what? he said he would tell me tomorrow. I was devastated. I started crying & screaming, couldnt believe it was happening so then I end up speaking to him on the phone. he keeps telling me not to worry. Then around 3AM i get a text saying listen im not breaking up with you its just i need some space we need space. i was more hurt than ever. Cried & cried for 3 days. So I went to my familys house to give eachother space & 2 weeks later he.breaks up with me thru text. he said he can’t. That his father kept pressuring him to have me move back & kept accusing him of things while i was at my familys house. His father was very jealous…& he also said that he doesnt want to but has to.. He wants to focus on himself, work & getting his own place. So thats why he broke up with me. But he tells me he loves me & is in love with me & still wants to be with me & isnt going to fall out of love with me but he just cant right now. he wants to remain friends then when he’s more ready then he said we can build on having a relationship again. So i’ve been on NC for about 3 weeks. He texted me 2 or 3 times a few days after the break up..but I never responded. Then i ended up texting him trying to work things out & he still said the same thing. he wants to focus on himself…he cant have a love life right now. I have so many unanswered questions. I still have to get all my things at his house. He texted me one more time after that & i never responded. But lately he’s been liking my picture on facebook & on his fb page seems like he’s great. Has alot of happy pictures & statuses. I wonder if he’s just doing that just to not show how really feels. I really want to text him but im fighting the urge. i miss him so much & want him back :( (((. idk what to do , i need your help. what do his actions mean? how long do i keep ignoring him? & is he eventually going to give up. Im so heart broken & hurt. Never expected him to do this to me. I need your advice, thanks.

    • Gillian Reynolds
      December 12, 2013 at 8:40 pm (345 days ago)

      Hi Zuly – You’re in very different places emotionally right now. From what you’ve shared I assume that he knows that you’ll wait indefinitely for him. As hard as it is, try and avoid his social media sites. Men don’t understand how callous it can be when they post updates about how great things are when their ex girlfriend is nursing a broken heart. Don’t text him anymore or contact him in anyway for at least the next month. You need to gain some distance from him and you also need to show him that you can move forward without him. In life and love, Gillian

  22. Amanda Bohbot
    November 14, 2013 at 3:13 am (374 days ago)

    One more thing;)
    it is recommended that I back away, and that is how he’ll get the room to want me back, however he keeps shoving me in that corner telling me that I will leave anyway and that I probably hate him. And i don’t want to prove him right… he’s playing many mind games, grrrr….

    • Gillian Reynolds
      November 14, 2013 at 3:44 am (374 days ago)

      Hi Amanda – He truly is playing mind games and it’s mainly because he’s scrambling. Internally he wants you to beg for him to come back yet if you did that, he’d likely push you even further away. He has to sort through all of this on his own and that means no contact. Remember – if he didn’t still care for you, he wouldn’t be flailing around like this. He’d just wish you well and move on with his life. In life and love, Gillian

  23. Amanda Bohbot
    November 14, 2013 at 6:39 am (374 days ago)

    Very true, words of wisdom. I truly thank you <3

  24. Confused
    November 17, 2013 at 11:33 am (370 days ago)

    My boyfriend broke up with me two weeks ago. He’s says that he loves me but he’s not sexually attracted to me. This stems from a recent depression I’ve had because of the death of my sibling two months ago. He says I pushed him away and because of that he’s not sexually attracted to me anymore. He’s depressed from his job and lack of intimacy with me and he says right now he doesn’t want a relationship with anyone. He says that if it’s meant to be he’ll be back before he know’s it. I’ve been feeling better lately and I even planned a weekend getaway surprise, but then he broke up with me. He still text me and call me. instead of taking all of his clothes at once he will call me and ask if it’s ok if he come get his clothes the same day or the next day. with total disregard to my feelings if I want to see him or not and how I’m dealing with two losses at once. I think he’s not taking all of his clothes because he had no where to keep them. sometimes when he calls and I don’t pick up, he’ll say oh now you decide to call me back. you couldn’t text me to let me know you got my message. then he’ll say I was calling to see how you were doing and in the same breath ask to come get some of his clothes. I want him back but I’m just don’t know how to handle this.

    • Gillian Reynolds
      November 18, 2013 at 9:42 pm (369 days ago)

      Hi Confused – It sounds like both you and your boyfriend have a lot to shoulder at the moment. Part of being in a healthy relationship is supporting the other person through the good times and the bad. The loss of a sibling is a burden that no one should have to face but since you have had to deal with it, your boyfriend should be more understanding. It doesn’t sound as though communicating about what you each need is easy and he’s finding it simpler to shut down and walk away. Unless things change dramatically between you two, getting back together right now isn’t going to work. As hard as it might be for you the best advice I can offer is to pack up all of his belongings and ask him to come pick them up. I know this will feel as though you’re pushing him away but you’ll actually be making him see that you aren’t going to be sitting and waiting for him to clear himself out of your life. You need to take a step towards resolution for yourself so get packing. That decisive of a move on your part may very well be enough for him to realize that you aren’t going to patiently wait for him to come back to you. In life and love, Gillian

  25. Amanda Bohbot
    November 18, 2013 at 5:30 pm (369 days ago)

    Hi Gillian,

    it’s me again… I am at another loss, and I don’t know why drama follows me like this. A few days ago he called finally to day he missed me and loved me (he even called 9 times in that day until he reached me…).
    I then wrote him a few messages after that that next day since we were supposed to skype ,and he got angry, saying that I hound him. He then proceeded to insult me! He was like another person compared to the day or months before, jokingly insulting me, and the pigeon holing me by saying finally that I’m just like every other girl because i’ve abandonned him (which is actually quite the opposite). And then to top it off, he told me that I’m just a friend, that I need to chill out.
    Um, I don’t tell my friends that I want to spend the rest of my life with them, and if I’m not in love anymore, I let them go easy, and maturily, npt by insulting them. I know theyre already hurting..

    I am so devastated…..

    • Gillian Reynolds
      November 18, 2013 at 9:34 pm (369 days ago)

      Hi Amanda – I wish I could give you a hug. It’s awful that he’s treating you this way but it’s not that unexpected. Let me explain. He chased after you that day because he believed you were slipping away. He was awash with panic. Nothing was going to get in the way of him ensuring that you still cared for him. Once he realized that you do – he didn’t need to prove anything to himself again. It’s a horrible position for you to be in and it’s completely unfair, but it’s often a part of the break up process. Here’s what I want you to do – if he does this again and tries to regain your affection tell him that you’re not ready. Tell him that you’re tired of the hot and cold behavior and emotionally you just aren’t up to doing it anymore at this time. Be firm, and try to be calm. If you can muster the strength to tell him this and then just walk away you will have the upper hand. He’s playing a game of cat and mouse with you right now. He waves the cheese in front of you and when you reach for it – he pulls it away. You need to be in control of this situation and the only way to do that is to draw a line in the sand by saying you won’t put up with it anymore. In life and love, Gillian

  26. Amanda Bohbot
    November 18, 2013 at 10:20 pm (369 days ago)

    Thank you Gillian

    I did stand up for myself last night, but he managed to pull me back in today in his web by saying “Oh you’re ignoring me? fine!”. And so I didn’t want to lose him. People think I shoud take him off my facebook but I’m too scared he won’t fight for me. I want to be strong and ignore him. I even apoligized to hm today syaing that I’m the one who pushed him away, and that I still cared (he didn’t respond). Je only responds when he
    s scared that I won’t respond back. I’m afraid he won’t ever contact me again…. But I will be strong and NEVER contact him until he does. I hope he realizes what a mean person he’s being, and what he has lost…
    Amanda

    • Gillian Reynolds
      November 18, 2013 at 10:26 pm (369 days ago)

      Hi Amanda – I know it’s very hard but you really are doing the right thing. I’d also advise you to unfriend him on Facebook. I know it seems drastic but it does send a very clear message to him that you’re tired of everything. Men almost always come back at some point. Some return days or weeks after a break up. Recently I received an email from a woman I had given advice to over a year ago – July of 2012 to be exact. Her ex boyfriend was pulling out all the stops to get her back after that much time. He finally realized she was the love of his life. Take care of you emotionally. That’s what matters most. If he truly does love you, he’ll fight for you. In life and love, Gillian

  27. Kaya
    November 18, 2013 at 11:37 pm (369 days ago)

    Hi, my situation isn’t with an ex but a guy I used to talk to. The last time we hung out was kind of a hook up but after I mentioned that I didn’t like him (anymore) he kept bringing it up the entire night. And I’m pretty sure he doesn’t like me anymore so I didn’t feel bad after admitting it but he kept bringing it up. Then he started saying he didn’t think it was a good idea if I stayed the night or if there was a next time. And every time I tried to ask why he just said he didn’t think it was a good idea. So I decided to leave and we hugged goodbye but he wouldn’t let me pull away as fast I did then I left. I tried to text him like four days later to figure some stuff out but he never repiled. I got mad and been ignoring him ever since and it seems like it might be working but I’m not sure. I want him to come back actually I just want him to make contact again.

  28. Loulou
    November 18, 2013 at 11:50 pm (369 days ago)

    Hi gillian
    My boyfriend left me after being in a long distance relationship for 2.5 yrs. i love him so so much. I have had so many obstacles in my life the past couple of years, i had problems at home, ended up moving to a different country, i have been unable to work as i need to take a conversion exam. Which i failed with all the stress im under. I now have to resit it in april. Other jobs i apply for see me as over qualified and wont hire me. This frustrates him as everyone in my house has found a job but me, he also kept trying to convince me to move to the gulf which is where he is. He said you could work in your profession and he wanted me to live with his parents. Firstly i felt this was inappropriate for the gulf and secondly in my culture it just wouldnt be accepted generally ( but mainly for the first reason). He said he wouldnt move to where i am because financially and career wise at the moment he is better off, so i told him that i couldnt move there unless our relationship was somehow official….BOOM! He started acting a bit strange n wanting space, and i was also about to have a surgery (on the day he jst said hope your surgery went well!)
    By the end of the week he said he didnt want to do long distance anymore, he said he loved me and that he didnt want to say it was complately over as it would be a waste after all this time, and that he wasnt interested in being with someone else and that he is always drawn back to me. I told him i didnt see a real reason for us to break up, so he said if you want call it a long break. I spent 5 days gng out of my mind but not contacting him, and he sent a message saying i hope you’re ok, or well not ok. I replied saying i was ok and told him i hoped he was well. And he said he was well and said thank you truly. I didnt reply…
    A few more days of nc he said i hope your having a good weekend, i didnt open the messages and 2 hrs later way past his bedtime he said goodnight. I ignored this. That was on saturday. Sunday night his best friend that i meet and talk to quite regularly sends me a message ‘ hey have you forgotten me?’ I didnt answer as i was busy. Next morning very early, she goes hellooo whats gng on? The weird thing was i had asked about her 2 days before. So i think he must’ve said something to her.
    I dont know what to do, i dont know why he had to end t or whatever it is hes done. I decided to ignore him and even if he calls i will ignore but im worried ill push him away. As hes a bit of an extremist. We love each other so much! And this seems to have come out of thin air.
    Long distance is hard. I wont bump into him anywhere…
    Should i stick to no contact? I feel i need to see him WANT me and work for it. But im worried hes too stubborn for that at this point. Its also hard to go out and have fun as i have no job im studying and have no friends in this country yet.
    Please help!

    • Loulou
      November 20, 2013 at 11:50 am (367 days ago)

      I also replied saying because he wanted space and because it hurts to reply with one answer msgs in these circumstances

    • Loulou
      November 20, 2013 at 9:11 pm (367 days ago)

      The conversation went as follows:
      Me: Because you wanted space, because it hurts to send one word answers to you in these circumstances
      Him: I would’ve understood that response instead of being ignored. But these circumstances are not caused bc I simply want space. If you have an update on your job searching or family you can text me. But I never asked for a full blown convo bc it isn’t helpful. I hope your well and enjoying the snow
      Him: I really hope your better n more focused on ur goals
      Me: I start work tomorrow
      Me: And yes u wudve understood that more but I couldn’t understand where it had all come from. You didn’t communicate with me
      Me: If I upset u I have never intended it.
      Me: A fuLl blown conversation is very helpful. It has purpose and meaning and shows respect
      Him: I am so happy for you and I don’t mind speaking to u this weekend to update
      Me: I didn’t tell u bcuz I assumed u would think it was only cause u broke up with me, but it wasnt
      Me: I got many interviews and trials all of a sudden in one week. And even though I had just had the surgery I went to all of them
      Me: I thought u were checking up on me out of sympathy. And I couldn’t handle it. I wanted u to cl and talk things through.
      Him: I won’t think it was because we stopped.
      Him: I will call you this weekend to have a catchup and see how things are going. I am so happy that you have a job and you are starting
      Me: Talk to you this weekend. If possible we arrange day before just in case I work on the weekend. I still don’t know my hoursX_X
      Him: Alright for sure that would be great
      Him: =)
      Him : Talk to you very soon

      I don’t understand. Is this good or bad? What should i say? Clearly there is an issue with the fact that i was unemployed. We speak this weekend eek!

    • Gillian Reynolds
      November 22, 2013 at 5:48 pm (365 days ago)

      Hi Loulou – From reading this all I can really decipher is that he’s being cordial and friendly. Have the conversation this weekend and see how that goes. Just remember to keep your guard up and don’t bring up the break up or wanting him back. If you do, he’ll probably pull back strongly again. In life and love, Gillian

    • Loulou
      November 24, 2013 at 1:01 pm (363 days ago)

      Hi gillian
      So i tried not to talk about the break up but it was difficult because he kept saying hes much calmer and alot less stressed. So i didnt get why he kept saying that. Im not a monster!
      So just yesterday this is what happened
      We spoke for a while, and basically at the moment he thinks i have a communication issue and dont let things go. For example he said: when hes had a long day and he has many errands and chores in the day and later all he wants to do is sleep he feels extreme guilt because he hasnt spoken to me and that id be disappointed or upset. (that was the example he gave me), to be honest even if i got upset its only cause i want to see him, plus if we couldnt one day id be ok about talking the next day, so why has he built it up in his head so much!
      He made the conversation and the break about my faults. So i told him any issue stems from 2 people not 1. He has to look at his own faults. He seems to be thinking future wise and all. But he says right now with how i am we do not function, Even if we love eachtother alot.
      He does not know how to put a title on what we are right now( broken up or on a break) he says this is because he doesnt want to say no to this relationship now and later realise that it could work, then he would be having to find a way to fix us on top. I asked him did he not see himself being with me in the future, he said no im not saying that.
      He said but in order for us to continue u need to develop, and also he cant see solutions for us to be together within a time frame that he can stand. ( he doesnt want to do long distance anymore, but wants me to take all the risk to move to him in an arab country without any form of commitment to me!)
      He started to become overwhelmed by the topic so i slipped in good memories we had had which he thought about positively and told him maybe we can just have a converstaion this week thats not on this topic, something lighter, he said he’d like that. I felt that was needed since he was responsive and i felt he needed some positivity.
      I was just with him abt a month and a half ago, i cant afford to go to him. Plus he needs to recognize his own faults. It cant be all on me. What do you think? And there are good signs and bad signs, but i feel there is something that im not doing that is making him not want to commit or make the move for me.
      When i told him we are two people that love eachother alot he said ofcourse, and i told him when theres love and will there is a way! He said thats very true.
      Id appreciate your advice :)
      Thanks gillian

    • Loulou
      November 24, 2013 at 1:28 pm (363 days ago)

      Oh also we are supposed to talk this week, should i wait till he wants to talk, or should i contact him? Should i send him random messgaes of good memories we have?

    • Gillian Reynolds
      November 28, 2013 at 3:44 pm (359 days ago)

      Hi Loulou – No, don’t send him random messages of good memories you two have had. That will likely only overwhelm him. Let him set the pace and keep your emotional guard up for now. He may just be testing the waters to see how receptive you still are to him. In life and love, Gillian

  29. Amanda Bohbot
    November 19, 2013 at 2:20 am (369 days ago)

    thank you, you have no idea how much confiding to someone who doesn’t know me helps. I will keep it in mind. <3

    Truly,
    Amanda

  30. Lorraine
    November 19, 2013 at 1:05 pm (368 days ago)

    Hello,
    I have been seeing a guy at work. We were both engaged and broke up our engagements before anything happened and we started seeing each other. We had 2 months of total bliss in secret as we didn’t want to upset anyone. Then my boyfriends parents told him he was a disgrace and made a commitment to this other girl. Her friends also contacted him saying they were very worried about what she may do. So he told me he felt he had an obligation to her and thinks he should give her the chance she wants to try and fix things. He said if there was none of this other stuff attached ideally he would be with me because he doesn’t love her and loves me but cant carry on with all the guilt he feels. I was gutted but carried on then we go back to exactly the way we were like were a couple. They have been to a few counselling sessions and he says there are no feelings there. He then came over last Monday declared his love for me and he realises he only has one chance left and will prove I can trust him by cutting all times to his ex. We had a brilliant week but his parents and family are constantly watching him and trying to find out where he is all the time. He went for a lunch with their mutual friends where they asked how could he do what he did to her 3 months before the wedding. So he came into work on Monday and once again we had the same conversation where he feels she deserves a chance and who is he to take that from her and he cant at the minute end it and cause all that hurt again. I was devastated once again and vowed not to go back into our usual saga but I caved in when he contacted me today we just had playful banter but I was annoyed I gave him any contact. Everyone tells me to ignore him and he will crumble as its quiet obvious he loves me and basically we cant stop contacting each other. What do you think is best? Ignore him totally or what’s best?

    • Gillian Reynolds
      November 22, 2013 at 5:43 pm (365 days ago)

      Hi Lorraine – No contact is really the very best thing you can do in a situation like this. Right now it appears as though this man is very undecided. I recognize that he’s feeling pressure from family and friends but he’s an adult and if he felt absolutely nothing for the other woman, he wouldn’t keep returning to her. You have to be the one to take control of your own destiny and the best way to do that is to detach from him until he can make a clear and final decision. You’re his back up. That’s not who you should be in any man’s life. In life and love, Gillian

  31. Nathalie
    November 21, 2013 at 9:51 pm (366 days ago)

    My ex and I were together for 5 years. We lived together and were engaged. We went on a trip with friends and his family and had a nasty fight and broke up. We both moved out of our home and with our parents. We decided to go no contact for a month and 2 weeks in he started dating a girl and took her on a trip to California ( where we’ve gone the last 2 years on my bday) on my birthday weekend! After battling it out thru emails and a few meetings we finally came to see each other all of last week and he said sorry for the nasty break up that he was inconsiderate of my feelings and wanted to hurt me like he was hurting. He says he loves me and that no one is like me but it’s too soon to get back together. He was trying to get me to still see him and sleep with him whole he’s dating this new girl! He says he wants to see where his new relationship goes. Which I know is no where! He said that we could still see each other sexually! I laughed and said no. That I will not settle for anything less than I already had. we decided to not speak for 30 days and then see where we stand. He said he’s not ready to deal with all the emotions seeing me the last week has brought up. Is he playing games? Is it because he knows I’m still there and thinks he can come back whenever he wants? Finally at peace and I’m ok with not talking to him. But after so long and being engaged I’m no going to get less that I deserve. What should I do when the 30 days are over? Do you think he’ll cave and text me sooner once he realizes I stopped caring? I know he checks my social media bc he’s told me. Should I use that to my advantage? Help please! I want him back but I want everything and more from him. Should I reject him when we start to speak again?

    • Gillian Reynolds
      November 22, 2013 at 5:52 pm (365 days ago)

      Hi Nathalie – I’m sorry you’re dealing with such an emotionally stressful situation. He’s made it clear, through his actions, that he’s moving on. The fact that he took another girl on a trip suggests that he needs to experiment with others. He definitely wasn’t thinking of you when he did that and the mere fact that he’s suggesting you two be intimate while he’s involved with the new girl shows that he has little to no respect for either of you. Take the full 30 days to detach yourself from him. Try to avoid him as best you can and definitely DO NOT use social media as a tool to try and win him back at this point. Men are much smarter than we often realize and if you attempt to lure him back by putting things online that are designed to make him jealous or make him miss you, he’ll see right through that. Although it’s painfully hard you have to live your own life for the next month. Chances are very good that he will indeed try and text you but you should only respond in a generic way. No talking about the break up, the new girl or getting back together. In life and love, Gillian

    • Nathalie
      November 22, 2013 at 8:12 pm (365 days ago)

      Thank you for responding. I know he’s going to reach out to me no doubt about it. He didn’t have a father growing up and his family is kind of unstable so I don’t think he knows what it means to really commit. He did ask me to marry him and I know I’m the only girl in his life he’s ever felt so strongly about. Is there a chance we could get back together? I don’t want to settle for less than I already had and at this point while he’s living with his mother ( I know he’s more hesitant bc of her ) we will never have it back. This isn’t the first time he’s explored his options bc he’s scared and he’s always come back. Will rejecting him when he does work? I need to stand my ground and I want everything I deserve. Should I even bother with him after 5 years?

    • Gillian Reynolds
      November 22, 2013 at 8:22 pm (365 days ago)

      Hi Nathalie – Only you can decide if it’s worth getting back together with him but I do want to point out one thing – a man who truly and completely loves a woman won’t explore any other options. If he feels you’re the one – he won’t be even the slightest bit interested in another woman. I’d leave him be for now, and give him some time to figure things out on his own. Distance can really change a man’s perspective on a relationship. Once he understands that you have no intention of sitting patiently and waiting for him to decide if you’re the right woman for him, he’ll come to his senses. Get out, live your life and stay as far away from him as you possibly can for the next few weeks. Each time you take him back after he dates others you are showing him that you don’t value yourself. Don’t overlook that. It’s powerful. In life and love, Gillian

  32. Julie
    November 26, 2013 at 9:57 pm (361 days ago)

    I fell into a whirlwind of romance with a boy this summer. Although the time we spent together was short (about 10 weeks) it was absolutely blissful, intense and deep. The way I felt for him was the way I felt about my first boyfriend in high school. We were nearly always on the same page, had an INCREDIBLE physical connection and both felt we had something really special going. Then an ex of his that had dumped him about 4 months prior for someone else came back into his life full of apologies. He left me for her, but tells me that he thinks of me often, misses spending time together and is incredibly confused. I finally told him a month ago that if he’s with this girl he owes it to her to stop talking to me. He agreed, but has still sent me random little messages like, “I hope you are well.” etc, to which I haven’t responded and don’t intend on responding to.

    I’ve been in so much pain and just keep wondering when he’s going to wake up and realize that I’m the one he should have stayed with. Someone honest and new. I’m trying my best to go on with my life and do what makes me happy, but I can’t shake the feeling that we’ll be together again and I don’t understand why he is still contacting me.

    What should I do?

    • Gillian Reynolds
      November 28, 2013 at 3:43 pm (359 days ago)

      Hi Julie – I believe that he’s still contacting you because he wants to keep his options open. If he wanted to be with you, he wouldn’t have gotten back together with his ex girlfriend. Keep doing what you’re doing and ignore his messages. Please also consider something – if he’s in a relationship with his ex girlfriend and is still reaching out to you, that’s a good indication of his character. He went back to her for a reason and although you may have felt you two had an amazing romance this summer it may have affected him very differently. Perhaps it made him realize how much he still loved her. It’s very hard to know but a man’s actions speak much louder than his words and right now his actions suggest he’s committed to her. In life and love, Gillian

  33. Annabel Cole
    November 27, 2013 at 10:26 am (361 days ago)

    Hi Gillian,
    I’ve recently been in a long distance relationship with my boyfriend, he moved to another country to study. We have been fighting constantly over the past few months and he constantly said that he is not happy.
    A few days ago, he broke up with me, and said he no longer feel the same way about me as he did before. I tried asking him to give me another chance to fix things twice, leaving a two days gap between each talk. He still insist on breaking up with me and that things won’t work out between us. However, he will be coming back in 5 months.

    Since its a LDR and he is still new and enjoying his life in the other country, if i stop contacting him would he completely forgot about me?

    What should i do?
    Thank you

    • Gillian Reynolds
      November 28, 2013 at 3:39 pm (359 days ago)

      Hi Annabel – Break off contact with him at this point. He’s told you he wants things between you two to be over, so you have to respect that. If you try and get him back at this point, you’re only going to push him farther away. Take care of yourself for the next 5 months and when he’s set to return, send him a message asking if he wants to meet for a coffee or a drink. It’s very easy for a man to end a LDR when he isn’t face to face with his girlfriend. Once he sees you again, he won’t be able to deny any lingering feelings. In life and love, Gillian

    • samantha
      March 21, 2014 at 8:27 pm (246 days ago)

      Me and my ex broke up almost 3months.for 1month we dated then i found out he has this new girl they are co workersi found out right after the break up e make relationship with this gir.i did the no contact rule.and he keep calling me everyday.he said he still love me but he want me to change.at first i am very eager to win him back.but now i decided to give up.its like i am the only one who make an effort to win him back.i know he still love me.i can still feel it but for me its very unfair like he move on and i am still stuck up with him.because he keep calling me.i am 100 % sute that he has a gf already but he keep denying it.and 1day i ask him can i meet you for awhile.and he said ok this thursday but when i reminded him about it no text and he is not picking uo my call.after that he keep calling me again because he will explain.i just listen but i dont believe him anymore.

      Then 4days ago i finally said goodbye to him.thru text.i said i know you are happy with her and i am happy for u.i wish you all the best and now its time for me to finally say goodbye.

      He replied.why u said like this to me.i just want to you to become a good girl..and i didnt reply at all.he call after 2hours and i ignore it and now i block him in my contact list.
      I still love him alot.and it hurts me.i did my part already but he is still having a relationship with this lady.
      I saw his facebook with my other fb accound he posted a video.tittled baby im sorry.and he put a comment .baby im sorry.to the fact that his new girl will see it.i was surprise because he cant relate to that song because i am only one who like korean songs.
      I love him so much but i think time for me to give up.i feel pitty for myself.i lose weight i couldnt sleep.i did make a relationship but my heart still want my ex:((

  34. Jaz
    November 27, 2013 at 9:13 pm (360 days ago)

    Dating for 16 months and the past month he has tried breaking up with me but I melted down and begged him to stay in our relationship. This past week, five days ago he ended it more final stating he can not be the person I need him to I be but to know that he had loved me and also returned his birthday gift I had given him two weeks prior. Two days later I get a text asking if I am okay. I did not respond back. Next day after I get a text stating “you mean you really don’t want to talk” . I did not respond either. The next day he sent a text that apparently I have blocked his number or my phone is off. Again, I have not responded back at all. I would like him back in my life but need to re-evaluate the situation. I do not want to drive him away but is it okay to keep ignoring his one text each day? We use to talk and text throughout the day. We are both 40. I am not sure when or what to say to reply to his minor contact texts. What should I do?

    • Gillian Reynolds
      November 28, 2013 at 3:37 pm (359 days ago)

      Hi Jaz – He clearly wants to talk. I’d suggest you talk to him. The fact that he’s sending regular texts means he needs you. No contact isn’t going to work in your case, responding to him will. In life and love, Gillian

  35. Candice
    November 28, 2013 at 5:27 am (360 days ago)

    Hi there,
    First of all, thank you for this post and for your time. This is the first time I’ve reached out on a thread since my ex broke up with me 4 months ago so my apologies well in advance as I am about to pour out my heart and soul. We were together for 3 years. He worked a devastating amount and it was very difficult to see each other (twice a week) but I was willing to work through it. We went through a rocky patch as most couples do where we started to address communication. Initially we had gone on a break because he felt that I was closed off and wouldn’t express what was on my mind (which I then told him was because it was hard for me to be open with someone who was barely there).

    But we came back from the break willing to work on these issues together. And I thought that was what was happening until 6 months down the line, we had an amazing weekend together but we got into an argument that wasn’t even that big (And i thought was normal for a couple) and he came over the next day and broke up with me. He told me that we have stupid fights that shouldn’t even be an issue (to which I responded that I thought he wanted me to be more expressive and open with my emotions). He said that he was exhausted and that he didn’t understand what we were doing here. I told him that couples fight and it’s normal, it’s how we grow and that this isn’t unfixable. I told him that the reasons he didn’t want to be with me didn’t make sense and were weak and that he didn’t deserve me to begin with if this is what he wants to end it over. He cried a lot when i told him i loved him he said he loved me too. But then he left.

    It’s been four months and I’ve held pretty strong with no contact. I wished him a happy birthday a week after the break up to which he responded “thank you so much, I really appreciate that”. And then a month later he sent me a text late at night asking me how i was and how my job was going and that he hoped everything was good on my end. I ignored the text. Two weeks later he wished me a happy birthday to which I gave him a brief thank you. Two weeks after that on a religious holiday he sent me well wishes again late at night– I waited until the next day and responded “same to you”. It has been over a month since I have heard from him and I’m too proud to initiate any contact. I want him to fight for me but I know that probably won’t happen considering how long it has been. I’ve been going on with my life and going to the gym and being healthy but I am in a lot of pain. Were his texts just a friendly/guilty way of reaching out? Was it a way of making sure i just didn’t hate him? What should I do? It still really hurts and I’m trying my hardest to move on but I’m going a little insane.

    Thank you so much.

    • Gillian Reynolds
      November 28, 2013 at 3:35 pm (359 days ago)

      Hi Candice – I can tell you’re in a great deal of pain. A lot of time has passed since the break up. I believe the texts he has sent have indeed been because he still cares but it’s time for you to take control of the situation. Send him a brief text just asking how he is. If you happen to live in the US – a “Happy Thanksgiving Day” text will do the trick. You’ll know a lot more about where his heart and head is by his response. In life and love, Gillian

    • Candice
      November 29, 2013 at 5:00 am (359 days ago)

      Hi Gillian,

      Thank you so much for your response. I’m so sorry to bother you again but I just need to ask these questions to get it off my mind and for clarification before I take a course of action because I am terrified.

      I know you said to reach out to him but would that be counterintuitive to making him believe I don’t need him and that I’m happy? I just don’t want to give him any more power over the situation (not to play games or anything but I just feel like if his response is not what I want it to be I’ll go spiraling back to how I felt at the beginning of the break up and I can’t stand the idea of him having the satisfaction of knowing I’m still thinking about him after he dumped me).

      I don’t know…I’m just scared, and I know it’s pointless to dwell on what we can’t control but I feel like, unless he makes it clearer that he misses me he doesn’t deserve to know I still care. I know you already said to reach out to him, but having said all this, should I? Just needed to get these questions off my chest. Thank you so much, again.

    • Gillian Reynolds
      November 29, 2013 at 5:25 am (359 days ago)

      Hi Candice – No get him back plan is foolproof. There’s always a few men who just don’t respond in a positive way to no contact. They actually absorb no contact as rejection. From what you’ve shared, your ex sounds like one of these men. He may believe that you are ignoring him simply because you don’t want anything to do with him. That’s why I suggested you reach out in a friendly, non-threatening way. If he responds favorably you’ll know he’s still interested. In answer to your other question – it is safe to assume that if he truly cared he would have tried harder. But it’s very hard to reach into the heart of a man to see what’s there. I’d suggest that you do reach out in a friendly way and if he still doesn’t bring up the subject of the break up or try to win you back, it may be time to start thinking about a life without him. In life and love, Gillian

    • Candice
      November 29, 2013 at 5:14 am (359 days ago)

      also…is it just safe to assume that if he actually truly cared, wouldn’t he have tried harder by now considering none of my responses have been particularly positive?

  36. Rhiannon
    November 28, 2013 at 2:01 pm (359 days ago)

    Hello Gillian!

    Was wondering if you could give me some advice as i’m very upset about my situation.

    I broke up with my EX boyfriend 5 weeks ago…we had been together for a year, i know i broke up with him but he was being flirty with other girls a bit too much and he was really taking me for granted and the final straw was him sending a picture of him without a shirt on to another girl. Anyway…I realized i want him back but the day after i broke up with him he completely removed me from his life.

    We are madly in love, i know that much and about 2 weeks ago i saw him for the first time since the break-up…he said he missed me, that it was hard talking to me, that he had to stop talking to me as he was a wreck, he was being clingy and flirty that day, he was wearing the ring i gave him for our 1 year, and he’s never worn it before, but the next week i saw him and he was about half the clingy he was the previous week and just kept staring at me. I’ve been following all the normal routines;

    1. No contact for 30 – 45 days
    2. Act like the break-up didn’t affect you
    3. Don’t make the first technological contact
    4. Lightly flirt with other guys

    None of this is working, these 2 days are the only time he has spoken to me, no little phone call or ‘i miss you’ text. I know i broke up with him, but he was the one in the wrong and he knows that.

    Does this mean he just clearly doesn’t want me back as he knows he isn’t willing to stop messaging other girls? I’ve gone back to him a few times when little things have happened but this time i’ve stayed away.

    Will he start to miss me soon? Will he contact me? I’ts been 5 weeks so i just can’t help but think he doesn’t care as much as i thought. He hasn’t added me back on facebook, twitter or anything yet, but still has my family.

    Im really confused and would deeply appreciate any advice thanks!

    • Gillian Reynolds
      November 28, 2013 at 3:31 pm (359 days ago)

      Hi Rhiannon – All men process a break up on a very different and unique schedule. I’m sorry to tell you that when you ran into him 2 weeks ago that set the clock back to zero and you have to continue with no contact for at least the next few weeks. I’ve noticed that you missed one step that I would have advised you to take from the beginning. You haven’t addressed the break up with him and since you were the one who did the breaking up that’s on your shoulders. Have you two had a discussion at any point since the break up about the fact that you want him back? If you haven’t, he may not realize it and he may still be under the impression that you want him to move on. In life and love, Gillian

  37. Kim
    November 28, 2013 at 7:32 pm (359 days ago)

    Hi Gillian,

    I need your advice, because I am becoming self destructive.

    My ex-boyfriend and I have been having a lot of issues from the start of our relationship. We have been back and forth for about 3 years and have had a small thing prior to us being official. I’ve known him for a total of 5 years and he basically had me at hello the first time we met.

    When we first got together things were absolutely great, everything I had wanted. He was caring towards me and even before we made things official he began to be really open about missing me when he was away from me. Oh ya our relationship is long distance however he is in my city very often. However, it didn’t take long for things to turn sour. He manages a popular artist and is constantly on the road with groupies and girls all around him. So things began to get sour 2 weeks into our relationship when I expressed to him that I was done with him adding all the groupies on facebook and we began to argue.

    Things just began to get extremely rocky from that point on and he slowly began detaching himself from me and becoming less caring and loving. We would fight and break up and get back together often. Eventually 2 years ago in the summer he broke up with me and I was absolutely heart broken. He kept telling me to give him a month to think about things and I was unable to and we continued to bicker back and forth. The one month eventually turned into 6 months. When eventually I began to suspect him speaking to someone else, on our anniversary he was in my city and I ended up finding out without him telling me and even ended up finding out that he was having drinks with another girl. When I continued to call him he eventually answered and swore that it was nothing of that sort and that the girl was just a friend and was actually hooking up with his artist. The girl ended up reaching out to me the next day and explaining that there was nothing wrong. We actually ended up being neighbors and living on the same street. We became friends and began to hang out almost everyday for 2 weeks. After a falling out with the girl due to her drug addiction that I wanted no part in, she came and confessed to me that she had slept with him. When I confronted him he said she was just lying and looking for attention. 4 months later when things were starting to get better between us I took his phone and read the messages to the girl asking her to not say anything about their hook up because he was trying to work things out with me. When I confronted him he told me that it was true and that she had hooked up with his artist and DJ too all in the same night.

    I was so heart broken, I felt like I didn’t know him anymore and that this was a side of him that I never suspected to see. Eventually I took him back but things were worse then before. I would catch him here and there messaging girls but it was nothing serious. However, I couldn’t ever let go of the betrayal and the girls he slept with when we were broken up. We continued to argue and I always brought it up in arguments. However, he finds a way to still blame it on me and says if he was happy it would have never gotten to that point with her.

    SO, 6 months ago we broke up again because things were just so bad that we couldn’t even speak on the phone without arguing over everything that hes done. We continue to talk everyday because he wants to be there for me because of the fact that I’m going through some health issues right now. However, a couple nights ago he told me he asked for someones phone number and again I was so hurt and torn because he did it at a really rough time in my life. He messaged the girl saying hello and she responded but has since said that he doesn’t feel like answering her anymore for now. He tells me that he still cares for me a lot and wants to see me happy. He also tells me that he never was able to fully fall in love with me because of all the arguing. I want to be with him more than anything, and when I tell him i’m going to go on dates with other people he makes little comments but eventually says “ok go be happy”. He never appreciated me and I feel like he wont as long as I stick around and be friends with him.

    So my question is, is there anyway that the no contact would work after 6 months of us talking after the break up, now with the new girl in the picture and him telling me to move on?

    sorry for the long message. i just really need help and i really want to work things out with him.

    • Gillian Reynolds
      November 28, 2013 at 8:40 pm (359 days ago)

      Hi Kim – Let me begin by saying that I hope your health issues will be resolved soon. I know how difficult it is to try and deal with a difficult relationship when you’re not feeling the best you can. I’m going to be brutally honest with you because I believe it will help you in the long run. This man isn’t as into you as you are into him. The fact that he’s asking for other girls’ phone numbers is a big red flag. He clearly wants to explore other relationships and you’re going to need to accept that. The reason he’s likely responding to your statements about dating other men with a “ok go be happy” is that he’s not as emotionally invested in the relationship as you are and also, he probably thinks you’re saying that as a way to trigger something within him. The only way you can even begin to get on a path to get him back is by cutting off all contact with him. That means no messages at all and no responding to his messages. I was in this position at one point with my ex boyfriend too and I finally just decided to cut all ties. It took eight long months but he called me out of the blue one day, overwrought with emotion saying how much he missed me. (We are married now – happily with two children.) No contact is an absolute must in this case. Cut him off, take care of you and look towards the future. In life and love, Gillian

  38. Kim
    November 29, 2013 at 6:29 am (359 days ago)

    I am so confused now!!! today I tried cutting him out and he kept calling non-stop. and then he got into contact with my friend to ask how my treatments are going and how I was feeling today (he calls to check up on how I’m feeling whenever I have a treatment). He asks my friend what room I’m in because he wants to send me something (probably flowers). When we finally spoke I asked him why he wanted to send something (he never really sent flowers when I did treatments before) and he said to apologize for asking another girl for her number when you’ve been going through so much and I thought you would feel better. When I asked if he replied to the message he had sent he said “no, and i have no intention of doing so, i don’t care about any of that right now”. Then he continued to be very nice to me all day and asking me to call him whenever i felt up to being on the phone. I’m so confused what happened all of a sudden, and what is he trying to do with the flowers and the apology and ignoring this girl? what should i do?

    • Gillian Reynolds
      November 29, 2013 at 3:25 pm (358 days ago)

      Hi Kim – Talk to him. That’s the only way you’ll really know what he’s thinking. He obviously is reaching out to you so be responsive and hear him out. In life and love, Gillian

  39. Sandra Pena
    November 29, 2013 at 3:46 pm (358 days ago)

    Hi Gillian.

    My ex boyfriend broke up with me two months ago. To add insult to the wound he got with someone else just two weeks later. I haven’t had contact since we talked about it. He also wanted to be friends after. I said I couldn’t because, it hurt too much to see him with someone else so soon. Then, he decides to text me on Thanksgiving, specifically saying my name as well as giving me a strategy on a game that I got him onto. I didn’t respond.

    Why would he text me?

    • Gillian Reynolds
      November 29, 2013 at 3:52 pm (358 days ago)

      Hi Sandra – It’s hard to know what his motivations are. My best guess would be that he misses the “friendship” and wants to reconnect on that level. The reason I say that is because he brought up something generic in the text – the strategy of the game. If he persists on texting it may be worthwhile to respond just to get a better sense of where he’s at emotionally. In life and love, Gillian

  40. Sandra Pena
    November 29, 2013 at 4:05 pm (358 days ago)

    Thank for replying Gillian.

    I also felt that it wasn’t just generic cuz that wad something we would do together.
    It just brought up unwanted emotions that I’ve been dealing with. I just need to move on. Hopefully, he won’t contact me again.

    • Gillian Reynolds
      November 29, 2013 at 4:08 pm (358 days ago)

      Hi Sandra – Moving on sounds like the best course of action. Good luck. Gillian

  41. Hannah
    November 30, 2013 at 8:49 am (358 days ago)

    Hi Gillian,
    I broke up with my ex bf and I completely shut him out. We were together for 2 yrs he had a lot of issues like being verbally abusive to me and taking me for granted so after I broke up w/ him his friends came to see me to check up on me they destroyed my sim cardand so I changed my number so he wont contact me I also blocked him on fb. Recently he messaged my bestfriend and sister on how he can contact me but all of them are against him. He says he wants to settle and clarify things w/ me. I ignored him for the past 2 weeks but I still love him what should I do?

    • Gillian Reynolds
      November 30, 2013 at 10:33 pm (357 days ago)

      Hi Hannah – If I were you, I’d hear him out but keep your emotional distance. If he’s been verbally abusive in the past, that’s a huge warning sign that he may not be the right guy for you. Often, after a break up, a man will feel a strong pull to his ex girlfriend again because he’s feeling alone and lonely. That may be what is happening with your ex or perhaps he really does want to address the past and move forward towards a reunion with you. Meet him in a neutral place for coffee or lunch and try to keep your emotions in check. In life and love, Gillian

  42. Hannah
    December 1, 2013 at 3:45 am (357 days ago)

    Thanks for replying Gillian appreciate it. He came at my house last night my parents are also against him since when we were still together I always cry I dont know why I’m stubborn so I let him in not knowing that my parents would react they hate me now and us sending me somewhere. It breaks my heart to deal with this I really love him despite his attitude and I know he loves me too because everytime I tell him to stop contacting me or tell him that there is no hope for us to get back he would just assure me that we will be ok. I am emotionally drained I will be leaving next week. My ex is still in denial what should I do?

  43. Imani
    December 1, 2013 at 7:17 pm (356 days ago)

    Okay, now that I’ve ignored him, what’s the next step? He’s made a couple efforts to talk to me, but I either blew him off or didn’t reply. I haven’t spoken to him for about 5 weeks. Do I text or call him, now? Or go up to him? I know he talks about me to our mutual friends. Should I drop a hint to one of them that I would like to hear from him? I’ve never been the dumpee. Whether it was my fault or their’s, I’ve always been the dumper. This is a whole new ballgame!

    • Gillian Reynolds
      December 1, 2013 at 7:30 pm (356 days ago)

      Hi Imani – Call him or text him and set up a meeting. Good luck!

  44. Loulou
    December 2, 2013 at 12:32 am (356 days ago)

    Hi gillian
    My ex keeps texting but he wont talk about us at all, what he says is very controlled and the conversations are quite short but yesterday we had a long conversation, where he asked about me, my mum n sister. He said to me ‘are you doing good, or are you not so good?’
    Its been almost a month since he broke up. His best friend told me he has no intentions of being with another girl or sleeping with other girls. She said he wouldn’t say that if we were completely broken up(which makes it a break not break up).
    I have learnt not to initiate contact at all, but i feel hes just got me on hold and for what? This weekend he texted me everyday after he had said have a good week to me. So naturally i assumed he wouldn’t talk to me for a week then ended up texting me 3 days in a row, which hasn’t happened yet. Also in our conversation yesterday he would say things like i miss that. But i could tell if he meant he misses those things with me or just in general.
    Im lost. I spoke to him about us before, and he wasnt happy to talk about us. Isnt it about time he WANTS to talk to me again? And how do i get that to happen.?
    Thanks

    • Gillian Reynolds
      December 2, 2013 at 12:50 am (356 days ago)

      Hi Loulou – At this point I’d stop talking with him until he’s ready to discuss the break up and the future. Be clear when you tell him this and leave it in his hands. He wants the friendship and maybe even some closeness without the heaviness of the relationship’s history. You need to have a clearer idea of where he’s at emotionally and his intentions before you invest any more of yourself into this. In life and love, Gillian

  45. Loulou
    December 2, 2013 at 11:56 am (355 days ago)

    I am worried that if i say that i will push him away. Today he sent me this random message: (my nmae) please be careful becaause i see on bbc news in the uk that rape has gone down but not prevented well enough. I look at the uk everyday im stupid but yeah you should watch out
    He then said have a wonderful day
    What is going on? What does that even mean? Haha

    • Gillian Reynolds
      December 2, 2013 at 2:46 pm (355 days ago)

      Hi Loulou – It’s impossible to know what his intentions are unless you ask him. If you don’t address that soon you may continue to read too much into the things he says to you. Men are a mystery. Just consider the fact that you’re concerned that if you confront him about his intentions that he’ll push you away. He’s still very much in control of the situation and the future of your relationship and that’s just not a good place for you to be. He could continue this behavior endlessly and you have to ask yourself if you’re really prepared to be in limbo forever? Gillian

  46. Heartbroken
    December 3, 2013 at 2:27 pm (354 days ago)

    Hi Gilian,

    So I was sort of seeing a guy at uni for 10 months but we never got together because we had exams and then it was the summer holiday. We’re from different countries/ cultures but we really get on well! When we got back to uni in September for our final year he asked me to be his girlfriend (finally!) and I said no because I was scared (I have never had a boyfriend before!) and shocked – I didn’t expect that he would finally ask! 2 days later I went over to his house and told him that I said no because I was scared but now I have changed my mind. But he no longer cares and says he needs “space from me”. He thinks that we should see other people. It has been a little over 2 months that we haven’t spoken and I sometimes see him around campus. Now he hates me. He doesn’t want to be friends at all and he even deleted me as a friend on facebook. He said I am “too complicated”. I really want him back, even if we just stay friends. We don’t have any mutual friends so I can’t even ask anyone else how he feels about me. I wrote him a long message on Facebook (before he deleted me) apologising for hurting his feelings and explaining again that I said “no” because I was scared of losing him as a friend. He doesn’t believe me when I say I care about him because he is really stubborn and because he knows that I normally don’t share my feelings with anyone. How do I get him back? Is it too late? How can he just stop caring? In the past when we have fought he normally makes me work hard to get him back, so I am not sure if he’s being his usual stubborn self or if he is truly done… Side note: He thinks that I am mean to him sometimes and that “I make him suffer”, but he doesn’t always get my humour when we communicate by texts!

    Thanks a lot :)

    • Gillian Reynolds
      December 3, 2013 at 5:15 pm (354 days ago)

      Hi Heartbroken – It would seem to me that the complicated one is him. From what you’ve shared, I’d assume that you bruised his pride when you initially said “no” to being his girlfriend. He may never get over that rejection. You’ve already been clear about why you did what you did, and he’s not being receptive. Stop trying to contact him and just move forward with your life. If he sees that you’re not willing to chase after him anymore, that may be enough to jolt him into wanting you back. In life and love, Gillian

  47. Katelyn
    December 4, 2013 at 5:08 am (354 days ago)

    It’s been a month since my boyfriend and i broke up. He said he didn’t see a relationship for us anymore, so i accepted it and told him that we should have no more contact so that we can both move on. But that’s not what i truly want. I still want to be with him but i didn’t want to beg him to stay or anything like that. So i just accepted it and told him that we should cut contact. We haven’t talked since then. Was it a mistake to tell him that we should have no contact?

    • Gillian Reynolds
      December 4, 2013 at 5:22 pm (353 days ago)

      Hi Katelyn – No contact is the best course of action you could be taking. You’re doing the right thing. Gillian

  48. Emily
    December 4, 2013 at 6:37 am (354 days ago)

    Hello,

    I’ve been reading several of your posts and I must admit they have brightened up my mind with hope. I took the 10 question “do you still have a chance with your ex” quiz, and answering honestly I got a pretty great result. My boyfriend broke up with me almost two weeks ago, although its felt longer, and I’ve been trying to do some things on my own to try and get him back because I feel it was done out of impulse…and I desperately need some quick advise, please! University has always been a main stress factor in my ex’s life. He’s always very indecisive on what he wants to do, and his anxiety gets the best of him (I’ve learned in the past month he might really have a problem with it). He’s been in school for almost 8 years going back and forth and it just recently took a toll on him, since he’s looking on graduating/applying soon, and it somehow backfired on me… perhaps I was being too needy for a time where he felt too pressured elsewhere…About 3 weeks ago I suppose I pushed his buttons, in the spurt of trying to fix things, and it ended up in him just not talking to me/ignoring me bc he thought we would end up fighting. At that point I freaked out, and assumed the worst (that we would break up). We spoke in person, he talked to me about his stress with school and having no time, and when I asked if he wanted to break up he said no. Things didn’t feel normal though… He broke up with me through the phone a few days after telling me things like “I’m in a weird place right now”, ” I cant do all these things at once (finals/loads of work have been around the corner)”, ” I’ve been thinking, I cant even finish my work….. things have changed” etc…. I tried to be rational and calm him down to try to change his mind that we could still work things out.. but ultimately it was over. I tried hanging up the first few times, but he kept saying he didn’t want to end in bad terms. I came to the conclusion I drove him insane with all my talking, and that his anxiety with school made him think he couldn’t handle love at that moment…which is the only reason I think there might be hope for a reconnection. We dated for almost two years, how could emotions just “dry out” like he claimed… I blame myself and his panic button. I spent about 5 days of no communication/tears/no sleep/barely any food/ while trying to move forward… and then he messaged me offering help he always did for an upcoming exam (which I though was strange because I could’ve received help from a mutual friend that told me he would help). He offered help all night, even said goodnight, and asked how my exam went (I stopped answering to several texts until he confronted me about not replying)… Since then he’s been randomly sending me a few messages for about a week. He’s been saying good night on occasions, and he’s even shown some signs of confusion or sadness. I’ve tried to be dry to not seem desperate…although a few days ago I sent him a message he didn’t reply to, and I didn’t expect him to either (especially since it’s not fluid messages/ mostly seems like hes trying to ease back being “friends” or maybe he just feels bad). In the message I told him I missed him, and that I wished him luck these few weeks of finals and to not stress out too much(but he didn’t reply to that message, instead confirmed he has been stressed with school and he was sorry for not replying). Since then I decided to ignore him because I feel toyed with. He’s texted me two days in a row, the second day it was a simple “hi”….but I have not replied in hopes of achieving something. I don’t know what to do, and if what I’m doing is right. Next week is the last week of school, and I was always hoping his stress would calm down after finals and that he would realize what he did… It’s clear he thinks about me, I just want to know if I should ignore him for a few days like I plan, or should I just play along with his “being friends” game without him replying with any direct verbal emotion…I never wanted this to happen, and I know I was willing to fix it and he said he was too before he freaked our randomly before finals and called to break up. I’ve been told by many that he needs time, and that he’s probably confused and scared right now; which in a way I understand. I just feel like it isn’t fair to me. I have finals, and a life filled with stress about school to worry about as well and I feel so alone… but I’m trying to be strong because heartbreaks are the absolute worst!!! :( I don’t want to get my hopes up with him, but I do miss him and I love him. I know that my mistake was making him my priority, but I want the chance to fix that for all of our sakes because he is a great guy and I know he still cares for me in some way…. Finishing college can be a crisis for many relationships, especially if you seek to pursue a medical field where you’ll always be busy….. Help?

    thank you so much, and I’m so sorry that I wrote so much…… I just don’t know what else to do! :(

    • Gillian Reynolds
      December 4, 2013 at 5:11 pm (353 days ago)

      Hi Emily – Stop all contact for a couple of weeks and then see where he’s at. He needs some time to clear his head and I’d say you could benefit from that also. Right now he knows you’re desperate to get him back and that leaves you in a very vulnerable position. Sometimes a couple needs to endure a small break to really cement their bond. In life and love, Gillian

  49. Richelle
    December 4, 2013 at 1:14 pm (353 days ago)

    I been with my ex for six years .We was best friends until a couple of months ago he started hanging out drinking with coworkers. Things started getting distance between us.I try talking to him and he tells me nothings wrong .He started no answering my calls picking petty arguments just to stay away.So now I call him he makes everything my fault .But he knows I love him and I don’t want to be treated this way .But I can’t stop calling what should I do ???? Help

    • Gillian Reynolds
      December 4, 2013 at 5:03 pm (353 days ago)

      Hi Richelle – Why do you feel you can’t stop calling him? You need to look at that and determine why that is. Gillian

  50. Amanda Bohbot
    December 4, 2013 at 1:59 pm (353 days ago)

    Hi Gillian,

    it is me again, with the long distance boyfriend that you told me was in love with me but I had to block him… well more drama happened. I tried to ignore the best I can, but he did everything to provoke me talking to him again. He manipulates me rather well. I lost it and told him a final message of how I feel, and told him that it wasn’t right because he never told me to turn the page or to forget about him. He instils hope on me, as he said there is a chance we can get back together in the future. However lately there is this new girl in the picture on facebook that seems to be a little too friendly with him, and that never goes just one way. This morning, she posted a heart on his wall ( i know i shoudld have blocked him). I then wrote to her which is something I would never do, and I just politely but firmly asked her to tell me what is going on, as he won’t have the guts to tell me, as him and I were seeing each other and it never clearly got cut.
    Now I am obviously freaking out as I might be getting messages of wrath from both of them…

    I just don’t understand, he called me just a couple days ago on the same tune saying tha he cares, he wants to see me, that I’m beautiful etc. But now this? If only he would have been clear with me.

    What do I do? And how do I come out as the strong one?… I am so broken by this.

    Thank you once again

    Amanda

    • Gillian Reynolds
      December 4, 2013 at 5:02 pm (353 days ago)

      Hi Amanda – If you want to be the strong one you have to disengage from him now. Block him on Facebook, explain yourself when he asks why you contacted the other girl and then tell him you’re taking some time to sort out your own feelings. Then stop talking to him completely for a few weeks. You can’t expect him to be clear with you – you have to be clear with yourself. Remove him from your life – show him you’re serious about taking some time for yourself. Good luck and stay focused, Gillian

  51. Emily
    December 5, 2013 at 1:48 am (353 days ago)

    Hello,

    I was wondering if ignoring his messages have a chance at making things worse… couldn’t it at some point give off the “leave me alone” “get away from me” vibe?

    I suppose I’m afraid that I’ll end up making it worse. Especially since he’s always been the type of guy to just assume I dislike him and don’t want to talk to him at all if I ignore him….

    • Emily
      December 7, 2013 at 10:00 am (351 days ago)

      It’s me again… He kept contacting me because of “classes”… And it just really got to me and I have finals to focus on. I ended up tellin him how much what he’s doing hurts, and if he has no feelings at all for me that id rather he not contact me. He replied with a sad face… I asked what that meant but I didn’t get a reply. I hope I did the right thing. We both have stressful exams to study for, but if I can’t even focus why should I be considerate towards him either… I don’t plan on contacting him now though. My hopes are he starts to clear his mind after exams are over… I hope I did right in not letting myself be pushed around either. Thanks for your help

  52. Amanda Bohbot
    December 5, 2013 at 2:54 am (353 days ago)

    I’m really trying. He admitted that he is talking to other girls but that he still wants to be with me if I go there, and “change” (that means stop arguing with him). It is good and very bad at the same time. I’m scared that by dating he’ll just forget me.

    Thank you Gillian for all the help

  53. Ash Bentsen
    December 5, 2013 at 5:18 am (353 days ago)

    I broke up with my baby’s dad 3 weeks ago over something really stupid, now he won’t talk to me or text me and just ignores me, I feel like its for sure done this time and that I’ve pushed him too far to ever come back … So I’m trying to the no contact rule but its hard when we have a new baby together. I miss him so much and I called him crying and begging him back :-( and he laughed and said he is never coming back… When I ask him if he stills loves me he won’t reply, even when I ask if he hates me he won’t reply. I’m really upset about this

  54. Tracey
    December 8, 2013 at 5:13 am (350 days ago)

    Hi Gillian,

    My exboyfriend and I broke up 2 months ago and I was never able to cut off the communications and move on since we live together. I tried to make him change his mind, but he tells me that we’re not getting back together, all because we’re fundamentally different. While I’m madly in love with him, for a long period of time I pretended that I’m okay just so that I can stick around hoping he’d come back one day. He’s a very stubborn person and I feel like he’s already moved on. He doesn’t like to talk about our break up and he’s been acting as if he’s unaffected. I finally got to the point that I’m fed up with waiting and decided to ask him to move out. Ever since then, I have not spoken a word to him (it’s been 6 days). He’s going to move out soon and I don’t know what else I can do other than ignoring him. I know I’m the one who initiated but I never wanted him to leave. Is there anything else I can do?

    • Gillian Reynolds
      December 10, 2013 at 2:47 am (348 days ago)

      Hi Tracey – I really think you’ve done all you can. Asking him to move out was a really smart move. Keep on the path you’re on. In life and love, Gillian

  55. Hanny
    December 8, 2013 at 12:44 pm (349 days ago)

    Hey, I came across your website and found it very interesting I was reading all the comments. My boyfriend of 9 months broke up with me around 3 weeks ago it was a very sudden breakup, things were going really well and we were speaking about our next steps ( marriage) however he had a few family issues which he became very stressed over and he decided to go back into doing something I didn’t agree with, even though I was still willing to stand by him. He sent me a text saying I think it’s best we go our separate ways and this is the hardest thing I have had to say to anyone and I love and care for you very much. I called him right away as I was in shocked and he said to me this is for the best and he said he has to get he’s life back on track. We ended the conv. I texted him again as I couldn’t understand how someone could finish a 9 month serious realtionship just like that at first he was replying to my texts saying I still love you but I think this is best. I decided to leave it for a few days, I had an interview at an Agencgy not far from him so I texted him saying I’m around the area tomorrow do you wanna go for a quick coffee, he replied back saying let me know tomorrow what time?so the next day I texted him saying you still up for a coffee he didn’t reply so I texted him again and he replied saying I don’t think it’s a good idea as seeing you will mess with my feelings and I’m not ready but I will promise I will come and see you soon. So I left it after that but I had some days where I couldn’t help it and would just end up texting him, and sometimes he would reply back to my texts and other days he would ignore them and I didn’t understand. I got really frustrated so I called him off a unknown number and he picked and I questioned him as to why he only replies to me sometimes he answered I didn’t know what to say..then we had a mini conv him asking how I am and then that was it.. I left it for a few days but he was still in my head I got so use to him being in my life it was strange for us not to talk. I randomly texted him saying I miss you I didn’t get nothing back from him so I thought to myself I’m going to send a goodbye text it was along the lines as I hope everthing goes well for you in life, you mean alot to me but nothing more I can do, I have tried with you and I will never understand how you could let go that easily take care of yourself I wasn’t expecting a reply back I deleted he’s number. Then a few hours later I got a reply back where he said
    My problem is I can’t be involved in anything to do with you because how things turned out I planned things different for us, and I am pushing myself away from you because you deserve better. Your so precious to me and you don’t have half a clue on what’s going on inside my head.But this is what I think is best. We will always be friends and I’m here for you until the day I die but I’m having a bad time getting over you. I promise I will come and see you just In good time. I obviously sent a text back saying this is silly we clearly feel the same way about eachother and we are both finding it hard and I think what we have is something worth fighting for you. He didn’t reply back so I left it… I left it for a few days and I had to go hospital for some sort of check up it was like a mini op nothing serious so I texted him letting him know he replied back right away asking why what’s wrong so I called him and he picked up and I explained what was happening we had a little joke and then he said il give you a call later as I am just in the middle of doing something he didn’t call so before I went bed I texted him saying I wanted to speak to you before bed wish me luck tomorrow and just remember I will always love you ( I was feeling emotional ) didn’t get a reply back so next day I was at the hospital and I texted him saying was it that hard for you to reply back he then replied saying good luck today hope all goes well.. When I finished I thought I would have gotten a text from him asking how it went so I was really upset I didn’t so I texted him saying am I really that special to you, cos if it was the other way around I would be the first person to txt you. You didn’t even think to see how Im doing anyways take care of yourself! He replied back saying I thought you would have texted me once it was over.. And you were always in my thoughts.. I left it until the next day where I texted him saying I’m back home now and made a little joke about where my flowers are I mentioned if he wanted to meet in a few days as I was going to be in the area but he ignored me. So I have decided no more texting and to just disappear I just feel like he is trying to block me out! Sorry for the life story lol

    • Emily
      December 8, 2013 at 8:00 pm (349 days ago)

      Hey, I’m just a random person that happened to read your story…. I don’t understand whats wrong with some people (guys). How could they claim to “love” us and then just decide its best to run off? I relate very much to your story…. except in my case he broke up with me almost 3 weeks ago, claimed we were “growing apart”…but I know in reality its bc he can’t handle the stress he has on him with graduation/applications/finals etc…. What happened to plain ol “all you need is love”. I really don’t understand…. A friend of mine is going through the same thing as you…She’s practically homeless right now going from hotel to hotel and her (recently made) ex doesn’t even ask how she is… yet he always claimed his love for her… I sometimes wonder how devoted a man could really be to a woman, and how ‘unconditional’ their love can really be. Does this unconditional love only happen to some people? Are we doing something wrong that they don’t feel like our support and love would be enough? So many questions…so much time to think on it. Yet I feel I can’t find the answer. What sucks even more is that it’s the holidays. I hope the fact that it’s Christmas time comes at our favor, a friend of mine told me a time like this would be the best times for kisses and to make up (what a dream). I don’t know about men, but when i think Christmas, winter wonderland, and hot chocolate…. I cant help but think cuddles with the love of my life and a good movie…hopefully it gets them thinking. *sigh*

      Sorry for the rant. I just related to your story very much, and I hope everything works out for everyone… This all hurts so much and its so difficult to push aside.

      Good luck !

    • Gillian Reynolds
      December 10, 2013 at 2:51 am (348 days ago)

      Hi Hanny – I hope you’re feeling okay physically and that the issue that took you to the hospital is sorted. You’re doing the right thing by not texting him anymore. Silence is louder than anything you could say to him at this point. If he sees that you’re not chasing after him anymore, that will affect him if he still cares for you. In life and love, Gillian

  56. Jenny5
    December 11, 2013 at 5:51 pm (346 days ago)

    Hi,
    I need some advise. My ex and I broke up arpox 8 weeks ago.We were together for alomst 4 years. We lived together and i gave him an ultimatum to commit to me or im movng. He said he wasnt ready but didnt picture himself w anyone else, I moved out bc i felt a lot of resentment toward him for sayng that. I have a 10 year old little girl (not his) and our little family meant the world to me but i wasnt settling until he commited to me. Im 30 years old and time is precious. Him and i have basically talked and argued every day since we broke up. Ive begged,pleaded, cried and declared my love in everyway possible. Ive taken the entire blame and explained to him thay we were a family and families forgive. He told me hes not taking me back anytime “in the near future” what does that mean, is he giving me hope? He also told me hell never find anyone who loves him like me?
    Well, Im sick of it and i wrote him a very long email saying i cant handle the rejection, im moving on and if he wants me back call me but i may be gone.
    I plan on no contact rule starting today. Is it too late?? Is he going , to wonder what happened to me?

    I would love advise!
    Thanks!

    • Gillian Reynolds
      December 12, 2013 at 8:46 pm (345 days ago)

      Hi Jenny5 – Ultimatums can really damage the foundation of a relationship. Obviously you need things he isn’t providing. Please think about that before you decide that you really want him back. If he’s not willing to move the relationship forward and commit in a more serious way, an ultimatum may not change that. It’s important to consider whether there’s ever been any sign of him wanting to commit. If there hasn’t, and it’s something you absolutely must have, this may not be the man who can give that to you. Other than that, no contact is really important at this point. Stay silent, focus on everything else important to you and appreciate all the positive things in your life. Distance can sometimes jolt a man into seeing what he’s losing. It certainly can’t hurt at this point. In life and love, Gillian

  57. Ashley
    December 12, 2013 at 2:09 am (346 days ago)

    Hi,
    I must say I really like this website and I think the feedback is not only helpful/useful, but also truthful. With that being said, I would love some advice. I was with my ex on and off for about two years. He suffers from a mental illness and I have been there for him through thick and thin. He has cheated and lied and really, really hurt me. We always work things out, but a few weeks ago, he said he’s “in love with someone else” and I need to move on. I’m sad because this is a huge loss for me. I’ve been in no contact for about a week because after looking desperate last week I decided enough was enough. I guess my question is, I want him to come back, even though I know I deserve better. Being told “I’m not in love with you and I want to be friends” after giving everything to someone (time, affection, love, care, etc.) is truly the worst. I do really believe, as he also mentioned multiple times, that I was the best thing to ever happen to him. But he let me go? Advice would be great.
    Thank you so much.

    • Gillian Reynolds
      December 12, 2013 at 8:42 pm (345 days ago)

      Hi Ashley – You’re in a very difficult situation. Take some time (at minimum a few weeks) to really assess what you need. Sometimes distance can help us sort through our feelings. If he’s cheated and lied, it may be best to reconsider whether this truly is the right person for you. In life and love, Gillian

  58. Jodie
    December 12, 2013 at 9:26 pm (345 days ago)

    Hello GIllian,
    I’d been seeing a guy for nearly a year until last Tuesday. I admit I felt like it was going slowly as we didn’t talk about our pasts or our feelings but we saw each other a couple of times a week and we’d do fun things together and genuinely care for each other plus he was always very affectionate. I know the reason I didn’t talk about my past was because I was really scared because I’d been hurt and I found it difficult to open up, I can talk but just need a bit of a lead, I guess I was waiting for this from him. Anyway, everything was normal and fine and lovely and then he came round one evening for dinner, we were then on bed watching tv and kissing and cuddling – him initiating this….and then he said he thought we should split up as it wasn’t going anywhere and something was missing. I was very shocked and upset and said he needed to leave. I made contact the next day to say we should talk and we agreed to meet this week. We met on Monday and I opened up and said I agreed the was something missing and how we didn’t talk but we could use this opportunity to talk things through. He also opened up about his past and how he’d been hurt and didn’t want to go there again and didn’t think we cold move forward now he’d done this. I said I couldn’t believe how that was it and how I thought he was running from his past. He said he loved spending time with me and how he still had feelings for me and how it was a very hard thing to do. He said he wants to stay friends but I said it wouldn’t work when we still had feelings for each other. When we parted i texted goodbye, he responded saying he’d miss me so much and time would tell if it was the right decision. That was it. It’s very sad and I miss him already, I’m finding it very hard not to message but I’m going to try as I think there is still something there on his side. It will definitely be hard at Christmas, I’m already thinking about Christmas Day and sending a happy Christmas message! We still have each other on Facebook so he’ll see me getting on with things and friends will no doubt put photos on over the festive season. Am I doing the right things? Thanks

    • Gillian Reynolds
      December 14, 2013 at 9:55 pm (343 days ago)

      Hi Jodie – You’re definitely doing the right thing. Please don’t try and get ahead of yourself by worrying about Christmas right now. It’s still 11 days away! I do think you should take some comfort in the fact that he said that time will tell if it was the right decision. That means he’s doubting whether it is the right thing to do. Stay strong and try not to reach out to him. You may find it beneficial to take him out of your newsfeed on Facebook. That will make it easier. In life and love, Gillian

  59. Kim
    December 13, 2013 at 12:48 am (345 days ago)

    My boyfriend has just recently broke up with me, we were only together for 2 months, he hasn’t officially said to me that he doesn’t want to see me anymore, but he did say to me that he’s not sure about us, and I waited a week and asked him how he feels now he said he still felt the same unfortunately, he won’t answer my phone calls, but he will answer texts but it’s takes about a day for him to do so. I asked him what happens next and he said ” I don’t know, like i said my feelings haven’t changed, it doesn’t make me feel good knowing things are not working out and probably won’t last.” I haven’t responded to his last text, so it’s been 1 day since i’ve been in contact with him. I am so hurt.

    I’m afraid that my neediness is what tore us apart, although we weren’t that sild at the start.I was always the one to ask him to hang out. I confronted him on this. He never really took my out to dinner except twice and a few movies, he said he couldn’t afford it but he works full time during the week and on the weekend, he has a new truck and makes more than enough to take me out a least once a week but he didn’t and he even said he was too tired to come pick me up. He said I don’t want to be your whole world, and that I should have friends and I agree but he never once said I will support you and accept you no matter what, and that hurt.

    What can I do to get him back? Will he ever want me back? I want to make this work.

    • Gillian Reynolds
      December 14, 2013 at 9:51 pm (343 days ago)

      Hi Kim – Take a few weeks to contemplate whether this is really the right relationship for you. Here’s a short personal story that I hope helps – many years ago I was involved with a man much like the one you’re describing. He’d pull back but not exactly break things off officially. I’d get caught all up in knots and ask him if he wanted to date other women or if he wanted space. He’d never give me a straight answer and every few weeks he’d pull back and stop contacting me altogether until I would plead with him to come back. Things would be good for awhile until he did it again. I finally got so emotionally exhausted that I just stopped pleading. When I did that, he changed dramatically and begged me to come back to him. But here’s the thing – that process took more than 8 months. I wish that I would have just stopped talking to him altogether when he first suggested he needed space. 4 days is very insignificant when you’re doing no contact. You need to not talk with him for at least a few weeks for it to impact him. Try your best to stay strong. In life and love, Gillian

  60. Anony
    December 13, 2013 at 5:31 pm (344 days ago)

    Hello Gillian,

    I’ve been having trouble with a guy for almost a year now that I met online via mutual friends from my home town. I spoke to him while I lived abroad and was engaged to someone else. I moved back here after I ended the engagement and went on a date with the new guy. I already knew him quite well and needless to say I fell for him FAST. Probably due to just getting out of a 3 year abusive relationship, I was so eager and emotional for someone else and didn’t even know it.

    We briefly dated for a month and he ended it after that for really stupid reasons. He accused me of a bunch of things that weren’t true, and said we are too alike. I was crushed. I will admit, I spent a few months drinking and whenever I saw him at the same places I always ended up saying stupid things to him and pushed him further away. I then learnt that he had been lying to everyone about me and talking about me non stop, but he would NEVER just have it out with me like a man. He even ran away once when I tried to talk to him like an adult, and he never responded to any texts. He got jealous when I dated other guys, kept showing up to my usual places and told people I was stalking him when I decided to ignore him at this point. and I finally cut him out of my life over the summer with no contact for about 2 months after we hooked up in July and he was really stalky and told everyone more lies.

    I thought I had finally moved on. Until in October I invited one of our mutual friends to my birthday, and he showed up on both events. We talked and were friends again because he seemed a lot more mature. A few weeks later he invited me to his birthday, and he was all over me and stayed at my house. Since then, we’ve been hooking up in secret.

    Sadly I am still hopelessly in love with him, but because he is a bit odd and scared of women, I have not told him how I feel. He is not the player type at all, I am the only girl who has liked him probably in years. He’s very flaky and unpredictable, and we don’t talk much unless in person. I highly suspect he has autism or something similar. I’ve been less responsive to his texts and it seems to make him text me more… I just don’t know how he feels about me. He’s hinted at feelings before when he’s drunk.

    I’m terrified to tell him my feelings incase I lose him forever.

    • Gillian Reynolds
      December 14, 2013 at 9:46 pm (343 days ago)

      Hi Anony – I don’t think now is the time to share your feelings with him. I’m curious as to why you feel so drawn to him if he’s spreading lies about you? He sounds quite controlling. Please consider whether you’re positioning yourself in his life as just a hook-up? If you are, sharing what you’re feeling is just going to cause him to react in a negative way. Gillian

    • Anony
      December 14, 2013 at 10:05 pm (343 days ago)

      He used to spread lies about me but he seems to have grown up a lot. I’m not sure why I’m so drawn to him. Sometimes you meet somebody and it just feels right. He had a tough upbringing and is very distrusting, so I am hoping in time he will feel more comfortable around me. Lately we’ve been a lot closer. He doesn’t talk to a lot of people because he doesn’t have many friends, so if he talks to you at all then it’s a massive thing. He’s very paranoid, and his lifelong best friend said he isn’t he type to just treat a girl as a hook up and he takes a long long time to get close to anybody. Should I just be patient?

    • Gillian Reynolds
      December 14, 2013 at 10:07 pm (343 days ago)

      Hi Anony – I completely understand about it just feeling right. I do think being patient is the best course of action at this point. If he’s wary of people, then you need to allow him the time he needs to trust you enough to open up to you. In life and love, Gillian

  61. Itohan
    December 31, 2013 at 5:13 pm (326 days ago)

    Hi Gillian
    Am so happy to have found you.I need advice.I’ve been with m bf for 3yrs now.@first d relationship was great.He was everything I ever wanted.we were very open to each other.No lies between us.Then the fight started.we started arguing,mostly over silly little thing and I end up always apologising wether I was at fault or not.But the fights and arguments kept coming.The thing is,he has anger issues.He told me about it when we started.He gets angry over little flimsy things and when we fight,he always find a way to blame me for.I always end up apologising for his and my mistakes.Even when am apologising 4 his mistakes,he makes me go through hell.He verbally insults me,making cry for long period before he accepts.Am a very emotional person with a soft heart.When I love some1 wholeheartedly,I can’t stand them being angry or not talking to me.it hurts so bad and he knows it and uses against me.Sometimes he gets angry over silly things and makes me cry and beg him that am now begining to wonder if he’s doing it on purpose.As if that not enough,he’s controlling,possessive,overly jealous and over protective.I also thinks he has some insecurity issues because no matter how I try to make him see that I love him,he still believes am just toying with him.I av practical had to change my self for him.He does like girls with make up and skimpy clothes and av tried to let him know that I can’t do without a lipstick but he doesn’t listen.I thought love was about accepting your partner how they are.Anytime I put on a lipstick mildly,he’l make sure we fight over it and make me cry.Recently,he has started disrespecting me in presence of his friends,talking to me anyhow,embarrassing me.I spent christmas day crying because of the way he embarrassed me in presence of his friends.This was someone I stood my friends up for on christmas day jus to please him and this is what I get.He called the next day and said he was sorry.But his manner of apologising was like a take it or leave it affair.Like he really didn’t care because he knew I would come back anyway as I couldn’t do without him.I was even surprised he came to apologise.He never apologises.He’s so proud.I told him that day to keep his apology to himself cos I was neva coming back and he got angry and left and we dint speak for 3days and he called again and he tried to act friendly and all like nothing happened.I hung up the fone oh him and he came to my house begging(he lives close by).He seemed really sorry and he really apologised buh I could stil see bits of pride in him and I knew he really wanted me back.I want to take him back but I feel that If I do,he’l stil do it again.He doesn’t respect and value me and I want him to.I rejected him but now am wondering if I did the right thing.He thinks I have found someone else and that’s why i don’t want him anymore.I just asked him to leave and left without clarifying anything.Now am scared cos I don’t know if I did the right thing.I want him but I want him to respect and value me.I need your advice

    • Gillian Reynolds
      December 31, 2013 at 9:11 pm (326 days ago)

      Hi Itohan – You’re doing exactly what you should be doing at this point in time. Your ex boyfriend is abusing you whether you’re ready to accept that or not. He has no right to treat you the way he’s treating you and if you take him back at this point, absolutely nothing will change. Ignoring him will help him understand that you won’t tolerate his disrespect anymore. However, unless he gets a handle on his own anger issues, you’re never going to be able to have a successful relationship with him. I’d encourage you to do a small exercise that is going to help you decide whether getting back together with him is a good idea. Make two lists – one being the pros of the relationship (all of the things you feel are beneficial) and one of the cons (all the ways the relationship is hurtful or negative.) If the cons outweigh the pros it may just be time to rethink whether a future with him is worth it. You deserve to be adored and treasured. Don’t forget that. In life and love, Gillian

  62. Itohan
    December 31, 2013 at 5:22 pm (326 days ago)

    Pls Gillian I need your reply

  63. Itohan
    January 1, 2014 at 1:39 am (326 days ago)

    Thanks Gillian,I really appreciate.I made the list and the cons outweighs the pros.It hurts that I have to let go of the relationship.I luv him a lot buh my hapiness matters…thnks a lot Gillian

  64. Haven
    January 4, 2014 at 5:54 pm (322 days ago)

    I have actually tried all the above methods and they have not worked. My ex boyfriend broke up with me because he wants to be single and not have the responsibilities or obligations that go along with having a relationship. He broke up with me because he wants space, freedom, and to be able to come and go as he pleases. He wants to travel the world and not remain stagnant in one place as well. He told me he needs to go find himself and do some soul searching. He actually told me that he doesn’t want a relationship with anyone, not just me. He told me that it would be best if I let him go and move on because he thinks I would be truly happy if I did that. He told me that he still loves me, he just isn’t in love with me anymore and all he wants from me is a friendship and nothing more. I have seen him since the break up 6 months ago and we have hung out but nothing comes out of it. He doesn’t show love or affection towards me anymore. I told him the other day that I agree with the break up and that it is time for me to let him go and move on and he said “okay”. I haven’t heard anything from him but I have been hearing that he is going out now, partying, and looking for other girls to hook up with. So tell me, what am I supposed to do in a situation like this when I have tried everything and nothing seems to be working?

    • Gillian Reynolds
      January 4, 2014 at 6:23 pm (322 days ago)

      Hi Haven – Have you tried cutting him out of your life completely? It sounds as if you two are still friends and hang out which isn’t helpful at all if you’re hoping to get him interested in you in a romantic way again. My best advice is to just drop all contact and move forward with your life. Right now, you’re still providing friendship to him and that’s not allowing him to feel the void of not having you in his life. In life and love, Gillian

  65. Amanda Bohbot
    January 8, 2014 at 12:16 am (319 days ago)

    Hi Gillian,

    I am writing to you a few months later as I am at another crossroads…with another person. I realized much later that my ex was very bad for me, and leading a very negative lifestyle…He actually did try to come back, when I didn’t want him anymore, what are the ods. And thank you for all that advice. I hope you don’t think I am ridiculous asking help for another problem, however I truly feel I have met someone so dear and special, and my heart is broken right now.

    Shortly after my ex, an amazing guy ran after me that I had met a while ago, he appeared in my life like a dream. I finally met a man, and not a “boy”, who was chasing after me, fell in love with me, treated me like a queen. He is ambitious, talented, handsome, everything a girl would want. It is just recently that we have been having tiny disputes that escalate because he is so deeply hurt by his ex relationship that he is scared to get hurt again. So am I, but he mentionned also that he has borderline personnality disorder. Which makes him act like a maniac sometimes…. 2 days ago he said that I’m the woman of his life, etc, he met my family, showed how much he cared about me to them , and the next day he said I put a lot of pressure on him and he needs time to think…
    I gave him that, and then yesterday, he blocked off Facebook without any message. I went to his house to talk and he did something so irrational, which was slam the door in my face! He won’t return my texts, nothing! I am completly devasted, and never thought he has that in him to be so heartless. I am not mistaken on how he felt about me!…but even it it;s over (for no good reason!), can’t he do it gently and respectfully!?

    I have written him an e-mail and texted him plenty, there is nothing more I can do… Do you think he would ever come back>
    Usually he always apoligizes profusely after his episodes but last night was huge.

    Please advise, I am so hurt…

    Thanks so much,

    Amanda

    • Gillian Reynolds
      January 8, 2014 at 1:35 am (319 days ago)

      Hi Amanda – I’d never think you are ridiculous. I’m just glad to hear that you met someone who appreciates you. I think, for now, the best thing you can do is remain silent. It’s only been a couple of days. And yes, it was wrong of him to slam the door in your face but that action added to the fact that he blocked you on Facebook suggests that he’s feeling really overwhelmed emotionally at the moment. Anything you do at this point to try and contact him is likely going to result in more painful lashing outs from him. Let him calm down and give it at least a week. Men sometimes just need a cooling off period to see things a bit more clearly. It doesn’t hurt us to have some time to think things over either. Good luck and hang in there. In life and love, Gillian

  66. Amanda Bohbot
    January 12, 2014 at 4:53 am (315 days ago)

    thank you always <3
    Amanda

  67. Loulou
    January 24, 2014 at 3:56 pm (302 days ago)

    Hi gillian
    Its been a while and alot has happened, none of which is good unfortunately.
    Our break continued for a month and a half, howver he kept contact, infact he was contacting me more and more. He wanted to skype starting from the day he forgot my birthday, (he usually is bad with dates though), kept saying he thought he still had 10 days and that he had asked his best friend to get me a new phone, and even though we were still talking, he did not. We started having more serious conversations after he had started saying he misses certain things, but there was still no emotion and no flirting.
    We spoke about our options breaking up, me moving to him or continuing long distance. The last option was clearly not an option anymore. In the same conversation he even said to me i know that i want you as my wife, and i knw i want to have a family with you but i dont think im ready yet.
    My. Next conversation with him i said that i was willing to move to him, but i would not move there without a job and that i would live inmy own apartment since it is an arab country and we are not married, he smiled said that he would pay my rent and there is no way he’d not live with me. He then asked about an exam i am still going to sit in april, saying i wont come between you and your career. I told him i will still sit my exam and i deserve for him to be supportive and continue long distance until i move to him. He agreed said i deserve the whole nine yards and that right now i was only getting 2.
    He still wanted to think about things, saying that he could come to me when he takes his next leave from work which was in march(i said no as my exam is in april) plus he was going on holday in a week, on a trip i was supposed to be going on, to see his step brother and his family then to another country with a married couple that he sees everyday where he is!
    By xmas eve i was still talking to him, i even sent him pictures of a place i had visited that he had always wanted to go to, he only commented on the views and not me, so i questionned this, he said he was not giving that side of him, i askedif i was just a friend to him he said no, im just being honest because we dont know whats going to happen yet.
    I got so angry that night, tired of the state of limbo, i broke up with him via a text.
    I said it wasnt working out and that i didnt see that he was offering me anything, considering what i was going to give up. I told him he was confusedand didnt knw what he wants and that that was not what i want from a guy. Told him to respect my decision. (Basically i tried to make it seem he lost me, even though i just wanted him to wake up!), i also deleted him at this point from my bbm.(childish but he had done this to me before and i felt like i had lost him for good)
    He replied when he woke up:
    I will respect you (my name)
    And i still love and care for you very much. I will not consider this the final end, but i understand you cannt stay in this state. I wish you the best of luck but know what we had and can have please. Merry xmas gorgeous

    Im sorry i have gone into so much detail. A month of no contact has passed now and he hasnt contacted me once! His best friend asks about me. She actually spent newyear with me coincidentaly and tried to show me pictures of him on holiday holding babies (he had asked her to do this). But i was at a party with my friends dancing with the girls and guys( which she tried to stop me dancing with) acting like i wasnt bothered.
    His best friend still talks to me, but no sign of him.
    What do i do? I know ive made the right decision, otherwise i would still be in limbo right now.
    I know hes not been seen with any girls. Why isnt he trying to contact me? I really want him back,but i know that this time he must contact me. We had no closure, we did not fight nothing..! Please help
    Thank you

    • Gillian Reynolds
      January 25, 2014 at 4:28 am (302 days ago)

      Hi Loulou -What a difficult few weeks you’ve had. I’m so sorry to hear this. I truly believe that right now he’s giving you space and taking time for himself. The fact that his friends are still contacting you is a very good sign. It means he’s been asking about you or maybe he’s gone so far as to ask them to talk to you about him. That shows that he still wants to be a part of your life. I take his behavior as a good sign – I think it shows that he’s respecting your needs and desires right now. I realize it’s a bit scary and confusing that he hasn’t contacted you. The fact is that if you contact him at this point you’re likely going to fall right back into the same patterns that you were with him before – he’ll keep you dangling without any real commitments. If another two weeks pass without word from him, send him a very generic text message – something like, “hey, I just wanted to touch base to see how things are going.” Don’t push for more if he responds and if he doesn’t respond, just leave it again for a few weeks. You’re being true to yourself right now and that matters more than anything. Stay strong. In life and love, Gillian

    • Loulou
      January 25, 2014 at 3:04 pm (301 days ago)

      Hi gillian!
      Thank you so much for your reply, it truly helped calm me down.
      The thing is i dont understand why he is giving me space. I had just offered to move to him which is what he had wanted for a long time, but he was not ready for commitment, which i can understand because the only reason i wanted more commitment was because i was about to sacrifice alot for him (moving to another country for your boyfriend, is not culturally accepted where i grew up).
      Also he just accepted the break up, and put up no fight, after having been on a break for that long and not giving me any emotion, but saying things like i know i want you to be my wife, however in the same conversation he would tell me you’re a weight and have serious depression.
      Im surprised because he has always been the family type, we always talk in a way that we are going to get married, and that stemmed from him not from me even. Now he has commitment issues, and still wants to ‘buy things for himself before he is responsible for other people!.’
      He must realise that if he doesnt contact me then we are truly over, what is supposed to keep me going?
      I am trying to do more things for myself now, going out much more, living a bit more. I have many ongoing issues that pull me down alot. I dont mention him to his best friend. She asked me once about him, asking if he had called, i said no. She asked how i was feeling and i said indifferent, and that i think. Ive made the right decision considering how he has responded. She told me that the reason for asking was that he had been calling her alot on viber, and it wasnt working. But she says usually when he calls me that often its because he wants to talk about things between you two.
      Do you think he had told her to say these things? Because thats the only talk we’ve had of him since new years and the pictures
      Thank you as always <3
      Loulou

    • Loulou
      January 28, 2014 at 11:27 pm (298 days ago)

      Hi gillian
      Sorry i had another question to ask. Should i cut ties with the best friend. Could she be the reason he is not contacting me, because she tells him where i am and what im doing?
      I try to not talk to her that much, but she usually asks where i am.
      I also believe my ex may have blocked me because he no longer appears to go on whatsapp. If so i dont get it.. I havent even contacted him, and that means he doesnt want me at all right? Im very confused, the last thing he said was he doesnt consider it the final end.
      I plan to travel this weekend. I wanted your opinion on this matter about his best friend and also that i had started to post pictures of me out having a good time, and his best friend started liking them, i am pretty sure she tells him everything, she is not loyal to me.
      If i kept her out of the loop would it be ‘out of sight out of mind’ or ‘ distance makes the heart grow fonder’ ,in terms of my ex.
      Why isnt he contacting me?
      Thanks again x
      Loulou

  68. Loulou
    February 4, 2014 at 3:00 pm (291 days ago)

    Hi gillian
    Is there possibly another way to contact you?

    • Gillian Reynolds
      February 5, 2014 at 5:02 pm (290 days ago)

      Hi Loulou – You can reach me at reynoldsgillian@yahoo.com. I’m also available for select phone consultations. In life and love, Gillian

    • Loulou
      February 5, 2014 at 10:03 pm (290 days ago)

      Hi gillian
      Do you mind replying to the posts i sent earlier? as i truly do not know what to do!
      I wanted him to contact me considering the circumstances, however all the sites say im supposed to be the one to contact him, why is that? They also say that he will probably contact me during NC but he hasnt, what does that mean?
      I love him to bits, but shouldnt he be the one doing the chasing this time. Is it up to the woman to stick her neck out everytime?
      Thanks again
      <3

  69. Loulou
    February 7, 2014 at 10:54 am (289 days ago)

    Gillian
    I thought he hAd blocked me on whatsapp but turns out he didnt and hes using another weird app altogether. He still uses viber but i saw that he was on it at 3 in the morning. Does that mean theres another girl?!! Im freaking out! How could i have been someone for that long, and talk hourly on a daily basis with him and go to no contact then have him not reach out at all! I cant bare it! He said he still loves me and cares for me but then doesnt reach out. Starts using a weird chat app. Ive travelled, ive kept busy, but i just dont get whats going on!?

    • Gillian Reynolds
      February 7, 2014 at 4:39 pm (288 days ago)

      Hi Loulou – I don’t think you can draw any conclusions based on the fact that he’s using a different app. He could be talking to friends or just checking out how it works. Each man has a different process of working through the break up and for some they realize they love their ex within days, others take weeks or even months. I know it’s very difficult but please try to consider something. You don’t want someone who doesn’t want you. Right now, your ex boyfriend doesn’t want to interact with you. He knows how to reach out and he’s choosing not to make contact. That’s a choice he is making. I realize it’s impossibly hard waiting to hear something but you have to try and find a way to disengage from him emotionally, at least for now. My first recommendation would be to stop checking on what he’s doing. It’s only going to be torture for you if you continue to do that. If you can stop checking those things you’re going to find after a few days that there’s a sense of freedom that comes with that. Please give it a try. In life and love, Gillian

  70. Loulou
    February 8, 2014 at 9:19 pm (287 days ago)

    Gillian hes texted me
    He said he was truly respecting my decision and he said he was happy i responded and he wants to catch up, he said he’d call later this week. I said sure. Thats good right?
    Also how should i be during the phone call?
    Thanks a million <3

    • Gillian Reynolds
      February 8, 2014 at 10:15 pm (287 days ago)

      Hi Loulou – That’s really great news. I’m super happy for you. Although you’re going to be very excited to talk with him try to let him lead the conversation. In other words don’t tell him what you hope for in the future (the two of you back together). Instead, let him set the pace of the conversation. The mere fact that your ex boyfriend is telling you that he respects your decision is truly a good sign. Best of luck and let me know how it goes. In life and love, Gillian

  71. Loulou
    February 8, 2014 at 10:59 pm (287 days ago)

    Thank you so much gillian!
    Do you mind me asking why its a good sign that he respects my decision? Doesnt that mean hes accepted that we are no longer together?
    Also he wants to hear about me, should i be letting him know everything about me? Im trying not to get my hopes up or anything but fingers crossed
    Love
    Loulou

    • Gillian Reynolds
      February 9, 2014 at 1:48 am (287 days ago)

      Hi Loulou – It’s a good sign because it shows he respects you – respect is the foundation of any lasting relationship. I don’t think it means he’s accepted that you’re no longer together. As you know, men don’t see relationships the same way we do – they don’t dwell on them, or question things as much as we do. We’re so much more analytical in that way. Your ex boyfriend was likely just taking some time to sort through his feelings while he was giving you the time he felt you needed to sort through yours. Try your best not to over-analyze his actions too much – I promise that will create nothing but stress for you. Look at the bright side. He wants to catch up. If he wanted absolutely nothing to do with you anymore, he’d have no interest in catching up. Take it one step at a time. In life and love, Gillian

  72. Loulou
    February 9, 2014 at 2:10 am (287 days ago)

    Thank you so much! I will try my best! Wish me luck :)

    • Loulou
      February 12, 2014 at 11:01 pm (283 days ago)

      Hi gillian
      Still no call from him, i find it a bit strange that its spaced out. I hadnt replied to his last message as i felt there was no question asked.
      His last message was:
      Thanks (my name) i really appreciate the continued contact as i said before i didnt want to cut off completely but i understood why it was needed. Im off to another busy week but i hope there is a silver lining to work too. Talk soon be safe

      I didnt expect this message from him, i also felt there was no way of me responding. Nor did i understand it, it actually frustrated me alot! Hes putting work first clearly, even though he has initiated contact. Did the silver lining part mean he wants us to work out aswell?
      Also later this week is valentines day, and him just calling on that day would just be annoying. What do you think?
      Love
      Loulou

    • Gillian Reynolds
      February 14, 2014 at 5:13 am (282 days ago)

      Hi Loulou – I don’t think he meant anything significant with his comment about work having a silver lining too – other than something perhaps work related. I doubt it had anything to do with your relationship with him. It seems more like a very generic message on his part. I understand why it would feel annoying if he did call you on Valentine’s Day but it is a significant day and if he does call, it’s important that you’re gracious. I realize the entire the process is very frustrating but relationships are often that way especially when they’re in a difficult place. In life and love, Gillian

    • Loulou
      February 14, 2014 at 11:31 am (281 days ago)

      I feel completely drained
      I woke up to this:
      Happy valentines day (my name). I wish you a lovely day and hope you have an easy and nice day. Im in typical fashion with my parents at the club (flower)

      What is that?!
      I was gracious like you said , saying
      Happy valentines day to you too (his name), thank you
      I hope you enjoy your traditional day at the club with your parents!

      Arghhh, confuseeddddd! Feel like fire is coming out of my ears!
      Sorry gillian i should have started this message with happy valentines day! I hope youve got something lovely to do today!
      Love loulou

    • Loulou
      February 16, 2014 at 2:21 pm (279 days ago)

      He never called? Whats going on?

    • Gillian Reynolds
      February 23, 2014 at 2:54 am (273 days ago)

      Hi Loulou – I know this is incredibly stressful for you. It’s time for you to call him and talk things through. Be prepared for him to tell you that he’s still not interested in a relationship with you. He really needs to move through things on his own time table. That’s how men are but if you’re finding it too hard to do no contact now may be the time to just lay your cards on the table and find out exactly what’s going on with him. Good luck. In life and love, Gillian

    • Loulou
      February 23, 2014 at 12:15 pm (272 days ago)

      Hi gillian
      Thank you for the response! Im willing to do the no contact ofcourse, i just really miss him alot…
      I do want him to work through this at his own pace, it just really confused me that he initiated contact and did not call like he said. It was very strange of him. And i do not understand why he would send me a valentines day message like that. I thought these were all positive signs, but maybe they are not?
      Do you think he wants me back or that we have a chance, if i continue NC?
      Love
      Loulou

    • Loulou
      February 27, 2014 at 12:08 pm (268 days ago)

      Hi gillian
      Hes texted me again
      You look really good and well.
      Im in the process for applying for other jobs and hope to find something in europe (same continent as me, but not the same country).
      Then he just said: i wish you nothing but happiness.
      Now i dont know if im mad or he is.
      How do i even respond to that? When he didnt even call me back?
      Is he trying to imply good things or bad things here?
      Love loulou

    • Gillian Reynolds
      March 12, 2014 at 4:39 am (256 days ago)

      Hi Loulou – I think you should take his comments at face value. I honestly feel that he’s being genuine when he says he wishes you nothing but happiness. That’s really the basis for any strong and enduring relationship – for each partner to truly want the best for the other person. Everything that is happening between you two is definitely positive. I realize that it may seem disheartening because he hasn’t come right out and said he wants you back, but he’s still in contact and he’s being complimentary. Those are both very good things. In life and love, Gillian

    • Loulou
      March 13, 2014 at 1:37 am (255 days ago)

      Hi gillian
      Thank you for the reply! I hope you are well! I love the new layout for the messages, its much clearer :)
      I havent heard from him for almost 2 weeks now, his communication is very spaced out.
      When i replied i said that i hope his boss was not the cause for him wanting to move, and i wished him luck with the job searching, and told him that maybe we could talk later

      He never replied, hes not exactly giving me much to work with haha. Is it normal for it to take this long? its been 2.5 months almost.
      Is it something im not doing, that is confusing him or something?
      I realize he is being genuine as you said, but he either messges me in an awkward way that i struggle to reply or hes not texting me enough for things to pick up, or make sense. If that makes any sense
      Love loulou

    • Loulou
      March 27, 2014 at 11:22 am (240 days ago)

      Hey gillian
      its been a while
      Recently my ex’s best friend has been talking to me about my ex. She said hes been contacting her and that hes stuck in this cycle unable to get over me but tells her he wants to send me a message then doesnt. She warned him not to give me mixed signals. Hes told her hes been looking at my photos and that i look good and that i must be dating someone, he even told her hes seen my statuses and even thought at times that i was trying to give him a hint. He asked her to ask me how i am, but then asked when my exam is and did not want to distract me before my exam.
      He told her he knows he wont find someone like me and said all these amazing things about me, but then said but im worried and he said i want it to be ok not to talk for a day or two if we were together.???!!???
      Ive told his friend i dont want her in the middle, and that if he wants to talk he can talk to me.
      I dont get why hes going through her to talk to me, or lets me know that hes asking about me. Is it mind games? And why is he not contacting me?
      Should i talk to him, or does that go against all what ive done? Ive also been told by a friend that i should apologise for the way i broke up with him, shouldnt that come after we’ve spoken a bit?

  73. Daniella45
    February 11, 2014 at 4:09 pm (284 days ago)

    My boyfriend of 2 years dropped me the bomb with the “I need space, Its not you its me”…. Needless to say, I was completely heartbroken and destroyed. I never had the feelings that I had for him with anyone else…

    I didn’t know what to do or say… and searching for an answer I found this site ad decided to gve a try at the method that explains… and That’s the best thing that I have done!! It’s incredible how powerful can be sending the right text messages at the right time!! Thanks to it Now I’m back with my beautyful boyfriend and we’re really happy together :)

    Take a look at it because probably can help you too!!

    PS: Take special attention to the NO CONTACT rule it is really important, believe me ;)

  74. joy
    February 19, 2014 at 7:04 am (277 days ago)

    Dear Gillian,

    my exbf and i broke up last 1st Jan 2014 for 5 years relationship. that day he told me that he dont love me anymore and i have to let go him and he dont even want us to be friends. on that day after we talked i finally made up my mind to do the NC rule and i did it for 1 month including no instagraming which he his on my followers and same as i do. i didnt unfollow him to the reason i want to know his whereabouts in simply staking him and later this week i saw his sisters in mall. me and his sister took a photo of the food and put on instagram and later i saw that he liked the photo we both posted in separate account. i feel happy about it. but last night as i stalked him i saw on photo he like and even commented to the photo “so nice” which the photo of one huge boobs. i know i should not get jealous coz he done too far of hurting me but im so sad and again i feel depress. hope you can give me advice, i appreciate much. thanks.

    • Gillian Reynolds
      February 23, 2014 at 2:57 am (273 days ago)

      Hi Joy – My best advice is to stop looking at his instragram. I know that’s impossibly hard and I know it’s so tempting to watch everything he’s doing on there, but it’s not healthy for you. It’s going to keep making you feel badly and keep questioning where his heart and head are at. Men know that women chase after them online after a break up. They realize it and sometimes they’ll do or say things on social media sites just to see if their ex will react. Stay strong and check his activity on instagram anymore. You really need to give yourself time during the no contact period to decide what’s best for you – not just what is best for you and your ex. In life and love, Gillian

  75. mazzystar
    February 22, 2014 at 9:09 am (274 days ago)

    I am looking for some advice.
    My boyfriend has been living with me for a year. He has been depressed throughout and has a habit of smoking grass to fill in the void. He is a bricklayer and has not had much work. He said he loved me, we were engaged and he wanted me to have his baby.
    The inevitable happened and I became pregnant. He has no children. When I gave him the news he was shocked, it didn’t quite sink in. Two weeks later after letting him know, we has two minor arguments on consecutive days and he left. Two days later I returned from work and found he had taken all his belongings and posted my key back through the door with a note saying he would pay the money he owed me into my bank account. I was very shocked (also a bit hormonal)
    A day later I text him and said I was disappointed in his behaviour. At this point I was devastated really. Two days later I heard nothing from him, I went to his door to speak to him. We went for a walk. Unfortunately he was stoned. He said it basically wasn’t a big deal, no one had died. That we probably wouldn’t have lasted the year! I was shocked and had no idea where it came from. He was detached, wouldn’t look me in the eye.
    It has been a week and I have heard nothing but I refuse to initiate contact. I have more respect for myself. I was very supportive during our relationship.
    I am wondering if I should take any more steps or leave things as they are.
    I did not set out to be on my own with a child and I am so disappointed he seems not to want to share this now it has happened.
    Any support would be appreciated.
    X

    • Gillian Reynolds
      February 23, 2014 at 3:04 am (273 days ago)

      Hi Mazzystar – Congratulations on the baby. You’re very brave, very strong and very understanding. Now, that man of yours – yikes! He’s running as fast as his stoned feet will carry him as far away from this. That has very little to do with you and a lot to do with him. He’s terrified. A baby in concept is one thing, an actual baby is a life changing thing. Men process everything slower than we do. It’s just how they are. You’re very right in doing no contact. You need to look out for yourself and your emotional well being right now. Give him some time and let him absorb this news. It may take a week, a month or months, but he’ll get to a point where he’ll stop running and start dealing. Take some comfort in knowing that many couples break up shortly after they realize a baby is on the way – many of those couples get back together and live a beautiful life. He’s immature and he thinks he’s doing what is best for him. So keep respecting yourself and stay on course with taking care of you. That’s the best you can do at this point. In life and love, Gillian

  76. samantha
    February 22, 2014 at 6:14 pm (273 days ago)

    im struggling
    me and ex fiance’ went out for two
    years he finished it 11/01 and i hear he has a new gf
    he has told his family its done
    i have done 30 days no contact text him but he didnt reply
    he hasnt tried keeping intouch atall
    its his birthday tomorrow aswell
    last time i spoke to him was 21/01
    what is my next step i really want him back

    • Gillian Reynolds
      February 23, 2014 at 3:15 am (273 days ago)

      Hi Samantha – It’s time for you to reach out. Text him and wish him a happy birthday. That will be innocent enough to initiate contact again without putting too much pressure on you. In life and love, Gillian

  77. Monica
    February 23, 2014 at 2:56 am (273 days ago)

    Hey Gillian

    I recently went through a pretty tough break up with my ex bf,. I stumbled across your sight and am really fascinated by all your in depth article.
    I really miss my ex, and want to know if you think
    We have a chance at getting back together.

    So we were together for 3 years, we lived together for 2 1/2 of them. In Sept my bf had to move about 8 hours away to NC from NY For personal reasons. I was pretty devestated but I understood his reasons. I was suppose to be moving to NC this march. So for the last 4 months we had a LDR and I went down for a visit twice. Everything was pretty good aside from some petty arguments we had.

    So 2 days before christmas we got into a stupid fight, a famous rapper who is still pretty known but I’ll say a c list celeb had tried to talk to me a few years ago, I took. The celebs number and told my bf about it. He didn’t seem to upset he was kinda flattered, so 2 days before xmas this celeb found my instagram and followed me. I Snapshot the follow and sent it to my bf. I figured we would both laugh about it. At first he seemed cool but later on that day he got really mad and started an argument with me. I called on xmas and he was just really upset arguing with me and telling me not to call him, telling me to tlk to the celeb. I kept explaining to him I had no interest in this person and was just flattered by the attention. He advised me he did not care and for me not to call him and said some very hurtful nasty angry things to me.

    I called him the next day and he was very upset and screamed for me to leave him alone. So the following day he called me made small talk and ended the conversation. On new years he called but I didn’t answer or call back because I figured he needed more space.

    Fast foward to jan 14th I called numerous times and he finally answered he was very irate and informed me he had an issue with the battery on his phone and he didn’t want to talk. I called the following day and he was still upset but we stayed on the phone for 15 mins, he told me I needed to “chill” and maybe he would call me if I “chilled” he then told me to go talk to the celeb, I again told him I have no interest in that man and he is the only man I love and want. So after that convo I called on Mon the 20th and he picked up right away but he had an attitude and said he didn’t want to talk right now and hung up. I called back and started to cry, he said why would he want to talk to me when im acting like this. He hung up again, I called back and said did u meet someone else? He then says very nonchalantly yes u go ur way and I’ll go my way, he hung up then I called back and a girl answered and said for me to leave her man alone and for me to stop calling, I cursed her out and she hung up, I called again and he answered but was laughing, I then told him to pay a bill he was supposed to pay and he said yeah ok.

    I was devestated and heart broken, I don’t know if this was a joke to him and for me to back off. after 3 years I had never witnessed this beahaviour. I even played myself yet again and sent a flood of texts and called him that sat, he picked up and said he is not listening to me and the more I call the meaner and harsher he will be! I gave up after that, I was so hurt, he had texted me and said he knows for sure he will never deal with me again.

    Same day I had to give his childs mother a late xmas gift for his daughter, she asked me how are things and I told her we had broken up, she was so upset b/c she knows how good I was to him and their child, she says he is deliberately trying to hurt me b/c of his insecurities and jealousy due to the celeb trying to get with me, instead of telling me how he feels he pushed me away b/c his ego. She called him and cursed him out on his VM she is a hot head and once she gets angry nobody can stop her.

    This recent behavior is totally not like him, we are always able to work out our problems. It took us 7 months to become exclusive, and before me he hadn’t had a girlfriend for 3 years, im his longest relationship. Could a man turn so cold after 3 years just like that? I love him very much and have since found your website and began to implement the N/C rule. It seems so unlike him to throw away what we had, and for him to be with someone else, he has so many walls up, I find it hard to beleive he could be in another serious relationship after only 2 weeks of not speaking. Does my situation
    Seem hopeless? Every guy I ask says give him space, his ego was bruised but once I stop chasing him he will come around, another guy friend told me to give up and move on b/c he seems to be going on with his life. What do u think of my situation? The girl getting on the phone seems to be a deliberate tactic to hurt me b/c he always told me he isn’t the type to falunt any new relationship to make an ex jealous, its none of their business! I didnt meet his childs mother until a yr after we were dating she was his last relationship before me and they broke up in 07. Its now been 28 days of no contact, he is really stubborn and hasn’t reached out. Im trying my hardest to focus on me but I miss him so much. He isn’t the type to jump into relationships, he’s so guarded. I just wish we could have a mature conversation . I suspect he was upset that I actually listened to him and gave him space. It was 2 weeks then he became so cold and rejected me at every advance. Is my situation hopeless ?
    Thanx for ur response in advance

    • Gillian Reynolds
      February 23, 2014 at 3:55 am (273 days ago)

      Hi Monica – It definitely isn’t hopeless. I have to agree with your friends who told you that your ex has a bruised ego. Right now he just wants you to come running back saying that you’re sorry that another man was interested in you. I know that sounds ludicrous but in a man’s mind it makes perfect sense. No contact is really the best course of action you could be taking. You’re at a pivotal point with him right now – he needs to be the one who comes back to you. He needs to be the one who realizes that he can’t live without you and he will. No contact is very individualized – by that I mean every man really has to do it at his own pace. Your ex boyfriend may need weeks to get to a place where he reaches out again. As for the new woman in his life, my guess is that is simply a naive attempt at making you jealous. You can actually use that to your advantage by not reacting at all to it. Good luck. In life and love, Gillian

  78. kelly hammel
    February 23, 2014 at 3:43 am (273 days ago)

    I need serious help, I broke up with my boyfriend about a month ago because he didn’t seem interested in me, now he lives in my bestfriends house and I always come up every second week and stay there for a couple of days. Since the break up we haven’t spoken to words to eachother it’s real awkward and I really want him back, but I’m stuck I’m this whole were who should make the first move, please help…

    • Gillian Reynolds
      February 23, 2014 at 4:13 am (273 days ago)

      Hi Kelly – Since you initiated the break up – you need to be the one to talk to him. If you truly want him back, tell him you’re sorry and that you’d like to talk. If he’s not ready, let it be for now but if he agrees to talk – be honest with him and be open about why you broke up. He’s likely just nursing a broken heart right now and hearing you tell him that you regret the break up may change everything. Good luck. In life and love, Gillian

  79. Monica
    February 28, 2014 at 9:04 pm (267 days ago)

    Thank you Gillian for taking the time to respond to me,. You made me feel so much better!. I’m on day 35 of no contact. I know you said each person responds differently to NC and it takes awhile sometimes.

    It’s been so hard without my ex! I.feel at such a Disadvantage b/c he’s in North Carolina and im here in NY this long distance thing was suppose to only be temporary for 5 months, then he breaks up with me 2 months before i’m suppose to move there. , I fear that it might be easy for him to just give up do to outta sight outta mind, regardless of the 3 yrs we were together.

    • Gillian Reynolds
      March 12, 2014 at 4:42 am (256 days ago)

      Hi Monica – I know it can feel that way. The distance definitely puts you at a disadvantage but it’s certainly not insurmountable. Just as there’s a saying “outta sight, outta mind” there’s another one too “absence makes the heart grow fonder.” The fact that you’re not right there in front of him may actually make him miss you more. It can often speed the no contact period up quite a bit. If he knows he’s not likely to accidentally run in to you somewhere, there’s a higher chance that he’s going to think about you more and more and wonder what you’re up to. You’re being very strong. Keep it up. In life and love, Gillian

  80. Mandy
    March 3, 2014 at 1:01 am (265 days ago)

    I am going through a recent break-up and I would very much appreciate your I met a guy (a month ago) through my work. I am a case manager dealing with substance abuse. He is a recovering addict alcohol/prescription medication and is a year sober/clean. We fell for one another, hard. We had an intense month and I “heard” that he was with a male friend purchasing alcohol. My alarm went off and I asked him about it. He said he didn’t drink it and I do believe him. I asked him if he wanted to take a break and he never said one way or another so I made the decision for us. Two days later I called him to see how he was when he dropped the bombshell that he “wasn’t ready for a relationship.” He said he needed to get his life together-getting his license, employment and a vehicle. I got into the situation knowing he lacked these things and that he was working hard to obtain them. I’m not contacting him and hoping that he’ll eventually contact me. He repeatedly talked about our future together, how much he cared for me, etc. He introduced me to his entire family and even his friends have told me that I was all he talked about. Any advice?

    • Gillian Reynolds
      March 12, 2014 at 4:44 am (256 days ago)

      Hi Mandy – You’re in a very difficult situation but I think you’re in the right place at this time. He does need to get his life together and from what you’ve shared I’d take that as a very good sign. My guess is that he’s doing all of that so he can get back together with you. He wants you to be proud of who he is becoming so that you won’t worry that he’ll fall back into what he used to be. Be as supportive as you can if he does contact you but don’t go out of your way to reach out to him. His male pride is telling him he can and will be a better man for you. Give him the time and space he needs to prove that to himself and to you. In life and love, Gillian

  81. Kristin
    March 7, 2014 at 2:58 pm (260 days ago)

    I broke up with my boyfriend on February 23rd, about 2 weeks ago. He told me not to talk to him until his birthday, which is in about 40 days. I caved after a week and called him once. He ended up calling me back and we talked for an hour. He said that I was showing I didn’t care about him because I called him when I said I wouldn’t. He said he hasn’t been good but at the same time he says that he feels like he has been able to experience college for the first time. I asked him if we were going to talk again and he said not at least until the summer. I haven’t talked to him since and that has been a week ago. He hasn’t gotten on his facebook at all since we broke up. I am working on bettering myself but I cannot get him out of my mind. We are high school sweethearts and had been dating for over 3 years. Any advice?

    • Gillian Reynolds
      March 12, 2014 at 4:49 am (256 days ago)

      Hi Kristin – I’m sorry you’re going through this. I can tell you really do care for him. My best advice is to give him exactly what he wants. Space, time and silence. I know it’s unbearably hard not to call him or contact him but you can’t. Also, I’d recommend you remove him as a friend on Facebook. That may seem harsh but it’s really for your own good. You don’t need to emotionally torture yourself by continuously checking on him. Please consider something for a moment – based on what you shared with me it sounds like he wants to have his freedom until semester is over. I’m going to go out on a limb and predict that he’ll run back to you with open arms once summer hits and he’s not in the presence of so many other girls all the time. Think about your value in his eyes. If he’s using this time to explore, that’s not respectful to you. Take some time to think about what you really want and if he’s the man who can give that to you. In life and love, Gillian

  82. Sally
    March 11, 2014 at 12:17 pm (256 days ago)

    Hi,
    My fiancé of 5 years, with whom I have a 2 year old little girl decided one day he wasn’t happy with ou relationship. Of course for the first two weeks I was in utter shock and bombarded him with texts and emails to try and convince him he was throwing his life away. He has recently turned 30 and I am 27. He seems to have no interest in life anymore. He hasn’t really given any clear explanation except he doesn’t feel the same anymore. Is there anything I can do? I do the no contact rule but we have to talk to sort of visiting for our daughter. We have just bought a house together and he has said we need to sell up. Please help. Sal x

    • Gillian Reynolds
      March 12, 2014 at 4:54 am (256 days ago)

      Hi Sal – Because of your daughter your situation is a little different. You need to talk with him in a very honest and open way about what he wants and how he envisions your future. Turning 30 can hit some men very hard. They realize they’re no longer the carefree young man they once were. In your fiancee’s case, he now has the responsibility of a child and a home and that may have just dawned on him. ( I know that sounds ludicrous but some men actually stop and evaluate their lives when they turn 30, 40, 50, etc.) Get him to agree to a sit down meeting where you can calmly and rationally talk things through. You have to show him that you can be emotionally strong enough to shoulder what’s happening. Also, it may be worthwhile to encourage him to see his physician. Depression can lead to many feelings similar to what he’s experiencing and a qualified professional will have several options available that may make a world of difference. In life and love, Gillian

  83. Charlene
    March 11, 2014 at 6:35 pm (256 days ago)

    Hi just recently broke up with a guy I had been seeing from January. I’m 27 he’s 39. He has been married and has kids I have 1 kid. At the moment he doesn’t get to see his kids so is dealing with a lot but always seems to be there for me. He always assured me that if he said something to me it was meaningful as it was always thought long and hard about. We had loads in common and got on great. Last weekend we had a small tiff on the Friday night and he ended up ignoring me all weekend no txt nothing, I sent him a txt on the monday to say it was out of order what had I done so wrong etc. he txt me back saying he had a lot to deal with to do with kids and needed a breather….. Is this just an excuse for him to be gone? As after I txt back saying it was all he had to say instead of ignoring me but I haven’t heard anything since. I still have him on FB and I see the odd post if he’s tagged himself to the gym etc. I have ignored him since and laughed on FB with friends (nothing to do with him) just basicly to show I’m not bothered (I am) dont know. I just don’t get that he always made himself out to be black and white and to say things straight up so why use this as an excuse? He was completely fine that week and continued to tell me how much he liked me. I’m very confused….. Help! Please
    Thank you
    Charlene

    • Gillian Reynolds
      March 12, 2014 at 4:58 am (256 days ago)

      Hi Charlene – Men are very confusing creatures at times. The brutally honest fact is that something even very small can turn a man off. You two weren’t together for very long so he was definitely still in the fickle early stages of the relationship. Whatever was said during the tiff likely irked him so much he has now put a wall up. My best suggestion would be to ask him out for a coffee or lunch. (Something friendship like instead of an actual date.) If he agrees, keep the mood light and don’t talk about what happened between you two up to that point. If you can do that, chances are all will be forgotten and you two can start anew again. Give it a try. In life and love, Gillian

  84. Lesley
    March 12, 2014 at 2:06 am (256 days ago)

    I was with my ex bf for almost 6 yrs before he broke up with me on march 1. We were living together for 8 mo and he said that I have a mad way of communicating and giving the cold shoulder when something is bothering me; I agree. We always talked about the future until the last wk before our last argument where there was no conversations just talking on what needed to be said throughout the day. I know comm is VERY important in relationships but I feel I have more of the other stuff that is also important. I moved out and I miss him very much. I say that my heart says one thing but my head says another. I start NC but I always give up.. Today is my 2nd day of NC but I want to know how long I should stick with NC before seeing results..should I take the step in ending NC or should I keep NC until he makes the first move. I need to make a change in my comm skills and I need to be the GF that I once was and recover the love that he had for me

    • Gillian Reynolds
      March 12, 2014 at 5:01 am (256 days ago)

      Hi Lesley – No contact can unfortunately take weeks. I know that’s likely not what you wanted to hear. You do need to take some time for yourself and give that to him too. Use the time away from him to work proactively on your communication skills. Once you two do talk about you can tell him about the effort you’ve been putting in to improving yourself. That will definitely help him to see how deeply you value him and relationship you two share. I realize it’s hard not to talk to the person you love, but right now you have to put yourself first and you have to respect that time will help heal the emotional wounds that you both are feeling. Give it some time, work on yourself and then you’ll be ready to start your renewed romance on the right foot. In life and love, Gillian

  85. Brooke
    March 13, 2014 at 7:48 pm (254 days ago)

    Hi, I recently started dating a friend of mine. Everything was going great, the chemistry was obviously there and he seemed serious about the relationship but we decided to see where things lead instead of forcing it. We saw eachother other often those the first two weeks. I stayed with him and he would ask me to come over when he got off work and hangout. That Friday he was texting me and then just stopped replying. I tried to contact him on Sunday but no response. I heard nothing for a week. Then the next Sunday I get a message from him saying “hey”, which I didn’t respond to. Shortly after I get a message saying “I’ve made the biggest mistake ignoring you, I can’t even explain. Please just text me back.” After a while I did reply and we talked briefly and I asked him to explain and he said he didn’t know but was sorry. The next day we talked in person and he opened up to me about how he was freaked out and needed space. He also opened up to me about many personal things going on in his life. I told him that if he needed space just to let me know and that I was there for him to confide in. He say that he could let me know and he wanted me to be that person in his life. Everything was going great again. I saw him the next day, and that Friday. Friday we had a talk about how he didn’t want me to think I was wasting my time with him. And I said as long as he shows it I won’t think that. We talked more and neither of us have ever really had a good long lasting relationship. He make it clear that he doesn’t string along or cheat because his concous won’t allow him. The next day he was going out of town and decided that if he got back early enough I would see him but if not we would get together the next day. Well that night he texted me telling me he would be late but we could see eachother tomorrow. We had a brief conversation and the ignoring starts again. Sunday I asked him how his day went, hoping to hear from him but nothing. He hasn’t talked to me in 12 days now. And I have not contacted him further. If he was in fact using me why bother even contacting me that night, why not just start ignoring me after the last time I saw him. I don’t know if ignoring him would make him come around or push him further. I just know I can’t get him off my mind. Any advice?

  86. Ana Debbarma
    March 17, 2014 at 9:10 pm (250 days ago)

    Today my boyfriend broke up with me and now i am really going mad. We wer together for 6 years and i completely gave myself to him. He also loves me a lot actually the problem is with me i know i am too possessive and this is because of him. At the very beginning he was the one who made some rules in our relationship like not to talk with guys so much even he never talked to stranger girls and i was just following everything. I was happy that he was tryng to be my husband. Actually i really have no interest in other guys not even now i don’t even want to talk i just want him and am happy only with my guy. We were so close he promised me that he will marry me even our parents relatives everyone knows about us. But now things have changed suddenly he demanded space he is now a complete changed person he has no good feelings left for me. Now after 6 years of all those habits how can i see him talking to someone else which he never did earlier. He shares everything with me i am his habit but i guess that love is not there now. But now also he wants to marry me but he is sayng he want a break for some time. since i am his habit i think that no contact rule should work but i am afraid if he forgets me then? if he fall for someone else? i am deeply disturbed so confused :’( ps help me should i stick on this ‘no contact’ rule?

  87. ELLE
    March 18, 2014 at 10:10 am (250 days ago)

    I was chased by a “Cancer Man” in 2008,I finally gave in and he swept me off my feet. We moved in together a year later.Me being a “Virgo” our home was always maintained.I did it all and worked 60plus hours a week. He had “SPACE” to be by himself.I never clinged to him,only wanting atleast once a week for us to spend time and enjoy things together. i found him starting to with draw and each Thursday he would pick a fight and be off on weekends to “do this thing”.Didn’t matter or need to be that way because I would work most of my weekends.When I started making plans he would disappear. i later found out while I was playing Suzie Homemaker and being the hardworking loyal girlfirend he had THREE other women. His ex who is about 15yrs his senior and two coworkers. We had a huge fight, when I returned home from work to sit and talk things out with him he was gone on a weekend trip to see his ex,she purchased a ticket for him.I didnt want to fail my relationship and wanted to see where his head was and go from there.It got worst,so I left our home and moved into my own apartment. The day I packed he cried,begged and pleaded for me to stay. I tried telling him we would have alot of work to do,then he flipped on me so I did leave. While I was gone i enjoyed my life and briefly dated for the 1yr 6 mths apart with (no sex rule that I gave myself).. he still begged me to come home.One day i was very sick and he repeatedly asked me to go out with him I just couldnt I was sick and didn’t want him to know..he got angry and threw other guys in my face.yes i did date AFTER we broke up but it bothered him ALOT.I stayed away from him to clear my head and get well…I finally took his plea into consideration to give US a second chance.He said his feelings for me are stronger now more than before and he wanted us to make it work and give me a fair chance because he messed up before. Everything was going great ,had a wonderful thanksgiving etc…until December when he picked a fight with me and disappeared.He texted me MERRY CHRISTMAS i copied and pasted it right back at him…No Happy New year greeting but Came back exactly 3 weeks to the date with an EMAIL stating he cannot get me out his head and always thinking about me and wanted to know if i dumped him and he needed to see me..I said No I didnt dump you i am simply respecting you wanting to keep your distance.We started talking again and noticed he was constantly talking about his financial plans will be improving soon.I paid it no mind because I worry about my own..Everything was going smooth. I had a terrible fall and he took care of me,right after that we didnt see each other. 3 weeks later I called first before I stopped by to see him after church and he was extremely annoyed said he doesnt like surprises.The next day he spoke to a female coworker infront of me and voice text another female. i found it very disrespectful on how he treated me so I spoke to him and told him im not going to figure out what he wants or how he will react. I’m suppose to be in a relationship with him and i have to look out for myself here, so its either he will respect me and have a committed relationship or is he looking for a booty call situation. well in less than 5 minutes he called it quits said “i have enjoyed our time together,no need to get emotions or feelings involved lets not dwell on anything and move on…have a good nite maybe we will talk later”…After all these years and just like that in the blink of an eye i mean nothing to him…this seriously tore my heart out because I let my walls and guard down to take him back …our families are disappointed and upset but like ive said to them his finances are on point right now and he probably met someone and doesnt need me around but hey….prove me wrong…HE HURT ME TO THE CORE!! …it’s been THREE weeks of NO CONTACT and absolutely nothing…There isnt a moment that I dont think about him,even as I gather my strength and carry on with my daily life I still love him and it hurts…now wondering what to do…

  88. Candice
    March 18, 2014 at 6:43 pm (249 days ago)

    Hi Gillian, I was dating this guy off and on again for 2 1/2 years. In 6/8/2011 his ex came back to the picture and he went back to get some closure but we ended up being friends which was hard because we both still had feelings for each other. So I made the mistake and kept on texting him back and forth telling him how I love him and I want him back but each time he kept on rejecting me so I told him that he was gonna lose me and he was saying no he doesn’t wanna do that so I ceased all contact with him, so in 6/20/2012 he out of the blue inboxed me on fb to see how I was doing which broke the ice so every now and then we would contact each other. So it wasn’t until I bumped into him and we will contact each other to check up on each other to see how we were doing and he even had plans for us to chill out but I refused until I finally gave in on 5/11/2013 we decided to give this relationship another shot and it was going good until he wasn’t communicating with me enough and he would pull a Houdini for a few days or weeks. Last Tuesday I get a text message from him saying that he had to get something off his chest and he admitted that he cheated on me a few times, so I got upset with him and I decided that I would stick it out with him. On Saturday that’s when he broke the news that he wasn’t ready for an relationship and he wants to get himself together and he’s not worthy of me being with me the “It’s not you it’s me” scenario causing him to not feel the same way he did. He was sad and about to cry he said he didn’t want to break up with me and that he still loves me but he said he plans on getting back with me after he gets himself together. Of course I got upset and cried and decided to give him his space so he can figure out what he needs but what made it even worst his grandmother had invited me to church and dinner that Sunday so it was hard for me to look at him and let alone be in the same room as him so I ignored him he spoke to me but I waved at him and he whispered for me to come here and I ignored him from the time we went back to church up until it was time for me to go home. So Gillian I need your help what am I gonna do when I see him in person???, because I”ll be visiting his church where he plays the drums at. I do still wanna be with him because I love him and I don’t think he is a bad person but I want him to realize that he has to learn how to appreciate me and know his worth because how is he get somebody to love him and he don’t know his worth as a man? Thanks for listening.

  89. Harshneet Kaur
    March 18, 2014 at 7:27 pm (249 days ago)

    Hi..I have recently brokeup with my boyfriend .My friends and family never wanted him to be part of my lofe at first place..they tried saving me from him..but he was so good in first few months and then he started ignoring me and wont text or call much..My friends told me to leave him but i was so addicted to him till that time..i tried making everything right until one day i found out that he was cheating on me from very first day i tried getting my answers and argued alot that why he did all this he said it was just a mistake and then i left him for a month then i realised i cant live more without talking to him so i called him and everything was fine again but then again i found out he was not changed he will hide his passwords and wont tell me about his life and everything but he wanted ony guy to be out of my life and then only he would saty but i didnt wanted to loose my friend because i lost all my friends because of him and changed my number but this time i was sure i was not loosing a friend so i told him that i will choose my friend..so two days back he told me that until the day that my friend is not gone he wont come back he even abused me 3 times before but i really love him and want him back..is there a way that he will change and come back to me.?

  90. Smiles
    March 18, 2014 at 10:09 pm (249 days ago)

    My boyfriend and I broke up over a month ago but we stayed in the same house then just 4 days ago he packed a few things n left he’s mad because I don’t want him to come by n pack more when kids r around do I still hold a chance

  91. Anonymous
    March 19, 2014 at 2:49 am (249 days ago)

    I was dating this guy exclusively for 6 months, and we went on a break because he left to study and travel for 4 months. During this time he made it really clear he wanted to get back together when he came back home.
    When he did come back, we did, and during the first month it was really good again. But in the second month I felt communication was dropping off between us and that I didn’t know where I fit into his life anymore with his overseas/home friends (he would talk to them a lot and less to me). So I backed off a little with my communication. I feel like he noticed this and it seemed he was unhappy about it but didn’t tell me about it then, but his communication declined too.
    At the end of the second month, he hadn’t spoken to me in a week and a half. I thought he was just busy so I reached out to him many times, and he responded politely but slowly. I realized after two weeks he’d been flirting with another girl. I unfriended him on Facebook immediately and he noticed a few days later and texted me asking to confirm this. I ignored it and the following day he asked me to come over and talk. I ended up telling him through texting that the way he chose to indicate his disinterest was disrespectful, and he should’ve been more upfront. He denied everything at first, saying he was busy, but then ended up saying he “had a feeling there wasn’t as much between us” and he has no idea what really happened, but that intimate spark was missing.
    The following day I confronted him in a mature way face to face saying I knew he was flirting with another girl and he should’ve just told me about her because I would’ve stepped back, and that I felt emotionally cheated on. He didn’t deny it. He said he was sorry for making me feel like he didn’t care, because it wasn’t true and he didn’t mean to convey anything with silence, and that he really hoped at the end of this we could still be friends. I said as much as I want to end this amiably, I couldn’t add him back on Facebook because I don’t see anything emotionally productive coming from it right now and I wanted to detach and move on, but maybe one day, in the future I would, and he said of course that would be okay.
    The thing is, this guy was my first, and at some point I felt we both really loved each other and had strong feelings for each other. He admitted himself when I confronted him that I was the best girl he has dated and was a good girlfriend to him. He has always been a player/into temporary flings but he had pursued me for about a year (and we had been friends for a couple months prior to dating).
    I can’t tell if he just wanted novelty or attention because he was unhappy, and when he met someone new that became his way of fulfilling those needs, if this was us neglecting each other and miscommunicating (and thus can be fixed), or if we are really simply done with each other. I don’t know how long I should continue no contact for (because what if this just confirms his belief that I don’t care? But at the same time why should I tolerate the disrespect he showed me at the end?) Should I re-add him to Facebook in a couple months? I also have a strong hunch that things with that girl he was flirting with didn’t work out. Do you think he would look for someone new at this point or reconsider things with me? I really cared about this guy and I still feel attached to him, despite the NC.

  92. Anna
    March 19, 2014 at 6:42 am (249 days ago)

    My boyfriend and I broke up 3 weeks ago during our 10 year anniversary. We started dating at 18 (we met when we were 15) and we are now 30. For years we spoke of marriage but we hit roadblocks (school, money, etc).

    Now that we are stable, he got cold feet and decided that he wouldn’t be able to give me what I wanted “right now”. He told me he had to let me go, and that it pained him because he didn’t want me to wait for him. He said he needed to find/secure himself and learn to be an individual that loved himself first. He said he feared by letting me go I would find someone by the time he was ready – but he just couldn’t stand to see me wait and hurt any longer.

    It has been 3 days with NC. I am so sad as I lost my future man and best friend all in one day. What do I do?

  93. Hannah
    March 19, 2014 at 7:54 am (249 days ago)

    Hi,
    My boyfriend just broke up with me a few days ago. We were together for more than a year. We were really serious about our relationship, with future plans etc. He told me he didn’t love me anymore. Actually, he has suggested a break up many times but I always held on and we would be back to how we were. This cycle repeated many times until recently I agreed to it as I felt that this hot and cold cycle was not healthy at all. I felt that the only way for us to get back together for good was to take a clean break and rekindle our spark. Yesterday we met and I tried to draw a line between us, so that I wouldn’t seem desperate which I felt would disgust him. Every time I held on to him, he would say I am desperate and silly. Strangely, after yesterday, he told me he wanted to kiss me so badly and was resisting the urge. I kind of subtly rejected him. Did I do the wrong thing and lose the chance of us getting back together? I told him that no matter what happened to us, I didn’t want to lose our friendship as we could be great friends. In the end, he told me that he cannot be friendly to me until he can talk to me without feeling messed up, he blocked me on facebook, and blocked my number as well. What does he mean? I am just starting my no contact, do you think it would work out for me? I don’t know if he would contact me again or ignore me for life. I want him to say he can love me forever, not love me and then suggest a break up again. I love him dearly still, what should I do?

  94. ELLE
    March 19, 2014 at 11:05 am (249 days ago)

    Well I just broke the No Contact rule…I sent him an email asking how he was doing…kept it short and simple …I felt I had to to see if he responds or how he responds, then I would make my decision to move on or take a slow pace at working at a friendship (without sex). I honestly need that peace of mind to know in which direction to put my heart. I’ve been having fun and enjoying myself,working hard at my job but my heart is miserable. I love him so much but I have to love me more so some kind of decision/closure will help…atleast that’s what I feel/think ,the ball is now in his court…

    Email stated:::Good morning XXXX,How are you ? Chilly but nice day yesterday while I worked XXXXXX yesterday in the day time.Leaving out the gate heading to XXXXXX and thought about you.Found myself looking to the right wondering if I would see you.Hope all is well with you.

    • ELLE
      March 21, 2014 at 2:15 pm (246 days ago)

      My breaking the NO CONTACT Rule was worth every bit of it !! We both missed each other, we both did not want to break up….and it was a huge misunderstanding on both of our parts…After a long discussion he thought I called it quits and I thought he ended it, we were BOTH wrong…we both discussed what went wrong and what we need to work on to strengthen our relationship toward each other…So sometimes breaking that rule depends on the individuals,relationship strength,time frame,how you approach each other and the situation…Praying we can keep it together & stronger to each other for a life time!!

  95. Anon
    March 20, 2014 at 7:33 pm (247 days ago)

    Hi my b/f & i split before Xmas and i had to move out as it was his place we were together for a 1 1/2 and i could not be more broken than ever, we re both in out late 30′s and i know that he still loves me but i am a bit ruthless considering I’m in my late 30′s lol but he knew all this when we started dating. I did settle a lot whilst i was with him and loved every moment with him. I did eventually find out his parents didn’t like me as i was previously married, it didn’t take to long to find that out though, i had no children to my previous partner but to his parents its was a big deal as i we both have a European background. He wouldn’t take me anywhere like any family function birthdays etc due to his family and it did make me feel like he was ashamed of me but at the same time i didn’t care in a way, i know that sounds sad but i care for him not them… but if my family had anything like that they would invite him, he never met my family as in his eyes it seemed official & i never asked him to marry me or anything it was a simple meet my family so they know who I’m with but only my niece & nephew as they are in there late teens but it would break my heart. We had a connection music movies food. We would talk for days we would laugh for days we could even cry together for days he really was my best friend and everything that i could imagine.
    He broke down my walls so easily & i swore i would not ever let anyone inside my heart again as i had been broken before and i had more to lose than him and now i feel like such a loser, i feel like he has made me so dependant on him. Finacially i didn’t need ask or care as i have always been inderpendant & he knew this and his family thought otherwise til they realised & he assured them that i don’t want him for anything that he has i want him for him and his,
    but now I’m still struggling mths later, i still contact him now & then, i still go over to see him & the kitten i got him before Xmas sometimes and when i do i just want him to hold me and not let go. He doesn’t respond in anyway or get close to me as i can see that his afraid of letting his emotions and feelings go.
    I went over the other day he told me he doesn’t Love me any more :(
    he always finds a way to say hurtful things not sure if it’s due to him wanting me to just walk away forever but if so why does he cry? I am a firm believer that if he is crying their still more to us then just him trying to forget about us.
    His mother does have an impact on us more so she did tell me that she could not ever accept me as a daughter in law as i have been married before. I know when he says and does these things its really not him i know she has a huge influence on him. How or what do i do as he is my World and i finally for the first time ever i actually found true love and now my world is gone. :(
    I have slowly started coming out of the rut i have been in such as the usual no motivation, devastated hate going to work, shutting ppl out.
    I have changed my hair starting to laugh a bit more i still cry alot also but I’m slowly trying to stop that to but emotions are what they are i can’t stop them. Help LOL….ANON :(

  96. Amanda H
    March 21, 2014 at 4:54 am (247 days ago)

    My now ex boyfriend broke up with me over an argument we had Sunday night, he left me Monday morning. He blocked me on facebook/twitter/Instagram and I want him back in the worse way. We talked twice face to face twice and each time he said there’s a possibility that we’d get back together but he needs time. He’s also not letting me come to his house to get my clothes that I left there. My friends say it’s his way of not wanting to completely lose me. When we talked face to face, he was almost in tears. He sends me mixed signals all the time. Should I just ignore him or what? I’m so confused and upset over this.

    • ELLE
      March 22, 2014 at 4:09 pm (245 days ago)

      Thanks a very long time and trust me he cannot let you go that easily..dont fuss about the items let them be, dont blow up his cell phone…Go out have drinks,have fun,see a movie,hang with friends…get your hair/nails done, get a massage,get a new look,do some shopping,join a Gym,go to Church (if you belong to one) etc etc…I have always stayed busy with activities and work and when I had my recent bump in the road it did hurt but I stayed very busy and it helped me mentally & emotionally..Give him his space and once in a while just drop a line EXAMPLE>”Hey how are you? You just crossed my mind ,Hope all is well ” something short and simple…no love no mush no begging no emotional stuff etc…keep having fun and let him come back to you…and when he does dont do the whole I miss you mushy,emotional desperate behavior…act calm, cool and be relaxed…Just offering my advice I’m no expert but this and more helped me alot..Good Luck!!

  97. joan
    March 21, 2014 at 7:12 am (247 days ago)

    hi, I am thinking I did a mistake in my relationship and winning him back, I did send him lots of messages, and after a week I told him that I will go on my way and if he is ready I still wants to be with him if I am still available and he just said yes, I initiate no contact and it is on 15th day already and I havent heard from him, I am losing hope, is this no contact gonna help me for him to miss me or just losing the chance for us to be together again, thanks

  98. justaskforhelp
    March 21, 2014 at 4:40 pm (246 days ago)

    My long-distance boyfriend left me about a month ago after some months of being together, which was a total surprise for me. He lives thousands of miles away and he will go to army next summer which will take 2 years. It made him feel insecure about us. (maybe the main reason for the break up) He had told me I shouldn’t visit his country only because of him etc. He told me that our biggest problem is that we love each other much… well I really do love him more than anything… Our first meeting on January was just perfect. We both couldn’t almost breathe before we saw each others and we both tried not to cry for happiness. The best moment of my life…and he told the same. We laughed together, cried together,traveled the country together… the best time of my entire life. He once told me none could love me as much as he does. He told me a lot of this kind of things and I’ll always remember his words.
    It’s really such a long story. But he left me a month ago while we both still loved each others a lot..he also told he has issues in his life to be solved and I really trust his words. He is someone I really can trust even though we are now broken up… But anyway…
    Before he actually told me to let him go, he was acting really mean towards me. We only sent text messages of course…and he became cold and distant and he always told he isn’t living well. I knew something had changed in him, it was obvious. Well some weeks passed and i asked him why he is like that. He told me not to come close to him emotionally…he told me im too attached as well as he…and he told it makes him feel uncomfortable when I get “close” to him. It was definitely the opposite of what he had been like before. We used to show love freely etc…Suddenly he changed and pushed me further. He told me he has to stop it before its too late. I’m not sure what he meant by that but I just panicked.
    Well I told him I let him go after trying to tell him we could make it work. I thanked him for taking care of me while I was visiting in his country and i told i don’t regret anything..and that I’ll always remember everything. Suddenly, he told me that we will meet again. He made me that kind of a promise. Then I told him I thought he wouldn’t like to see me anymore and he was like “what? of course I wan’t” That really made me confused…well we had NC for 10 days. I didn’t expect him to contact me but he did. He asked me why I won’t send him a message. (I had sent 10 days ago but he hadn’t responded to the latest ones I sent so I was like “why is he asking why i won’t message if he won’t even respond to my latest ones). I told him that I wanted to give him space and I told that it’s hard to hide my feelings…I asked if we could talk seriously to clear things up but he just ignored that message almost fully and just told me that he woke up… and i responded and asked him if he would pay attention to my words and until this day he hasn’t checked my message and it has been 10 days again, no contact. He is really making me crazy and I miss him so much I can’t even tell…What should I do? Should I just remain silent or text him ? I want to keep him in my life.. My biggest fear is to lose him completely. I don’t even know what I am to him now…But these days I can’t stand seeing him on facebook etc. It really kills me…Why would a guy who loves me ignore me like that? This whole situation is so confusing and I think I’m going insane. I’ve no idea how he is doing and what he is feeling towards me… Can I ever have a change to get him back? I have to add that he told me not to wait him as a lover until he finishes his service..he told me that if i do, he would seriously ignore me. I don’t know what to do anymore. I really feel like he is the love of my love… Can there be a happy ending?

  99. Daisy
    March 22, 2014 at 3:44 am (246 days ago)

    Hi there. My boyfriend of 1.5 years broke up with me and gave me different reasons – Incompatibility, lack of understanding, i put a lot of restrictions on him, i over react, his mom won’t agree….i tried all possible stuffs to get him back – begging, crying, hugging…but he refuse to budge. Is there any possibility that i will get him back?

  100. Chloe Coffey
    March 22, 2014 at 4:37 am (246 days ago)

    Hi my boyfriend broke up with me 3 days ago and im devastated :-( it has got to the point where I have annoyed him so much that he has blocked me on facebook that I can’t see people tagging him and he said one more text from me and I am blocked from his phone too! We argued alot and he was always texting other women supposedly friends and one girl in particular who he never stopped texting and her boyfriend broke up with her this week too so now im wondering did my boyfriend use the excuse ti break up just because she was single?? Before he blocked me on Facebook he had her tagged and a friend as if they were on a date but I dont know if that was to annoy me or what :-/ is this over and done with or is there a chance I might get him back?? :-(

  101. sara
    March 23, 2014 at 5:28 pm (244 days ago)

    Hello.I was with my bf for 8 months.everyting was going ok, we meet mostly in weekend and holidays time cos he was living in another city.
    He was telling me he want kids with me, but somehow told me that he is not inlove with me but he acted very caring and acting like a bf.he was speaking on internet wih girls too.Im 32 he is 35.
    ONE month ago we had a small fight and he decided to break up.i said ok but he was sending me text and we meet after one week.he came to me for a night.
    we spoke a bit from then and he come to me after 2 weeks again to bring me some things i had at his place( we had sex also).anyway after that day i found out he is with someone..i told him never to contact me again and he said ok.he did contact me after few days to see if im ok.WE meet by mistake in club and he got jelous, next day keep sending me text, call me..telling me that he miss me, and to forgive him( he live with that girl he met over internet, bring her from another country). he wanted to see me , said he likes me and that he think that got feelings for me.but why he dont give up on her??he said that the girl is not what he expected but the situation is this way at the moment.i dont know what i should do.I do love him..but i dont want to be the second one for him.is best to ignore him till he make up his mind?
    anyway i told him we should not meet anymore and he said ok.we didnt speak from then..almost one week.( seems he cheated on her with me also).thanks

  102. lolly
    March 23, 2014 at 7:16 pm (244 days ago)

    Hello Gillian, am 23years old been dating my ex-boyfriend for past 5years, he broke up with 2months ago. Before he called it quits we were not on gud terms for some months it was last year when I was 7months pregnant when he started ignoring me! All my text and calls. I decided to stop nagging until I gave birth to a baby boy. Then we started talkin again but only about everything that concerns the little boy. Two months ago when our boy was 3months old,I was really going crazy I wanted answers on what exactly happened between us. I called him and told him I needed to talk to him face to face since we were not in the same city nomore, he agreed to see me as he told me I can always come to his place he will be there. Well I did go to his place and asked him why exactly did he dump me? He said because I always talked to him in a rude disrespectful manner when I was pregnant that’s why he decided to ignore everything I had to say by then. I just said okay to him and explain why exactly was I doing that, then we shifted the topic started talking about our boy and so on..when I was about to leave his place we were only hugging goodbye but the hug led to other things we got intimate again same day. Few days after when I thought things were getting sumwhere with us he never text or called I called him and asked what exactly is going on between us he told me nothing was on. So I asked me so why did he sleep with me few days back knowing exactly that he was’nt prepared to fix what so ever was broken between us, he just told me he got attached to me the day we were together. I dropped the call and never spoke to him again(2months ago). Started talkin to him again the day he asked about the baby, and I usually do talk to him about the baby as when he brings him some of the stuff he need like clothing and formula, he does support his child and loves him so much. But other than we can go for about 2weeks without talking because he uses his mom to call my mom to check on the baby As our baby stays wth my mom. And am now in the same city as him. But still sometimes he calls me or text me to ask for his photo’s and etc.. So really don’t knw how I can make this No contact rule work when there is a baby involved and he uses every chance he has to contact me everytime I’ve gone long without talking to him..I love him so much I really want him back. Please help.

  103. Rebecca
    March 24, 2014 at 9:33 pm (243 days ago)

    Hi, me and my boyfriend split up two days ago, a few days before I found texts on his phone between him and his ex. I’ve never looked at people’s messages before but he’s been so distant and I needed to see what was going on. I knew him and his ex were meeting up, he said they were just friends but I wasn’t comfortable with it cus everytime he saw her he went a little bit more distant. I confronted him about the texts as soon as I saw them and he said he was confused cus his feelings for her had come back after seeing her, but he loves me the same amount as her. I stayed with him while he made a decision of what to do and it seemed like it was really gunna work out with us until he met up with her to tell her what was going on. And she said she felt the same so he chose her. But she was so horrible to him before and messed him about so much that I wonder if that’s why he wants her. Our relationship was perfect and I really thought he was the one. He always used to say how he never wanted to lose me and that I was his angel and perfect. And he said he knew how he was going to propose and that we’d be together forever. I’d even come off the pill for us to start a family. Is there any hope of me getting him back? He kept saying about how he wished he could of picked me (his head said me but his heart said her). He’s really worried I’m going to stop talking to him. But I will be doing the no contact rule as soon as I’ve got my stuff back. Please help I’m desperate.

  104. Maria
    March 26, 2014 at 10:18 am (242 days ago)

    Hi Gillian –

    Thank you for providing such helpful information!

    I dated a guy for 2 months. Initially, he pursued me very aggressively. We spent a lot of time together and spoke on the phone or texted pretty much every day.

    Suddenly, he started getting stand offish and I didn’t understand where it was coming from. The other day he called, I was busy so I told him I’d call right back. When I called back, he didn’t pick up. Hours later, he still had not called me back. I texted him the following day just to make sure everything was ok, still no response so I went NC.

    It has been 3 days since we last spoke and at this point, I’m assuming that he is no longer interested. Do you think I’m right in my assumption? I don’t want to give him the impression that I’m desperate for his attention, so I’ve decided to carry on with my life as usual.

    I’m also tempted to unfriend him on facebook. Do you think this is too harsh? I don’t want to give him the pleasure of knowing what’s going on in my life if he won’t even acknowledge my presence!!!

    Thank you

  105. Tati
    March 26, 2014 at 8:25 pm (241 days ago)

    Hello, I have been seeing my boyfriend for six months. In the beginning, he was all over me. He introduced to all his friends and everything was fine. On the other hand, he is going through a rough path, he thought things would be better, but it did not turned out like he expected. When I came back to school, he stopped calling me. I called him several times until he picked up. He explained what the reason behind his behavior and we made up. I still felt like I was reaching out to him more than he was to me though. Last Thursday, we were supposed to go out, but when I called twice and left a message, he did not replied. I just stopped calling till today. I asked him before if he wanted out but he clearly said no. I can handle the breakup but he is that telling me directly what he wants. Like I said, he is going though some stuff right now, and I am thinking that could be the reason why he is acting like that but I do not know.

  106. Tati
    March 26, 2014 at 8:31 pm (241 days ago)

    He asked me several times if l loved him and I said yes. I thought the repetitiveness of the question was weird. He made me promise to never leave him. I have not called him for six days. I know that he loves me but I do not want to be running after him. He is a grown man and he should be able to express himself. Help please.

  107. Sadly waiting
    March 27, 2014 at 2:44 am (241 days ago)

    Hi Gillian,
    I dont know what to make of this txt from my partner that just broke up with me two nights ago. We were together for 4 years and we had an argument which resulted in him saying goodnight and goodbye to me to which I didnt reply, then I get this txt two days later, please help!? what does it mean?
    Hey, I dont want to lag stuff on and start something.But I want to say this once. I want to thank you for all the time and effort you put into me and this relationship. You taught me alot and i have taken in alot from what you have said over the past few years. You are the love of my life and i regret letting you go but i cant be man enough for you and i feel we had bought each other down and we are both two people in different worlds who magically collided past each other and fell in love. It felt like romeo and juliet. Both sides hated our hearts being together and it made us very unhappy and i pointed the blame at you and you pointed the blame at me it was a big loop going round and round. all i wish for you is to be happy and find that place you were looking for that i could not fill.i feel like i have failed in both mine and your life and that i could have done better but at least i tried the best i could while under the influence of other people.

    he has sent me a txt like this before and we have got back together. why is it so on and off with him? please help i dont know whether to ignore or reply i love him so dearly and have tried everything to make it work including changing as a person to try and be accepted by him and his family/friends. I feel confused and dont know what to do right now. I really feel like i have been the loyal loving person to him that i can be. things went pear shaped after he cheated on me about 6months ago but i gave him yet another chance because i really thought he was the one..

    Please help, do i ignore or reply? :(

    thank you!!

  108. Amber
    March 31, 2014 at 2:10 am (237 days ago)

    Hi! My boyfriend and I broke up last week. We were together for over 3 years. The day we broke up, we we’re suppose to hang out but he slept late, until 5. Bc he worked late. Well he broke up with me bc we had an argument over it and he said I couldn’t calm down. I kept texting him unfortunately and he was asking for space bc he said he was tired of us arguing all the time. Well I left him alone for 2 days, which started 4 days after we broke up. But on the 3rd day I contacted him asking if he would come over and he said no. I kept texting him every day. Last night he said he no longer wanted to be with me. But that I was just showing him I couldn’t change bc I kept bothering him. He wants me to learn how to keep calm and respect his need for space. I’m going to do no contact. I love him very much and he means so much to me.. I don’t want to lose him for good. Could he possibly come back after realizing he misses me? I know he loves and cares and is in love with me. He just doesn’t want to argue anymore. Thank you!

  109. Nina G
    March 31, 2014 at 2:13 pm (236 days ago)

    Hi Gillian,

    So here’s my story I had just recently found out that my boyfriend of 1 year had blocked me on Facebook and when I confronted him about it he said that he didn’t block me and that he had just deactivated his account. I knew this could not be true because I had my friend look him up on Facebook and his page was indeed still there which is how I know for sure I was blocked. But what really got me upset is that I saw on my friend’s account he had a picture up of him and another girl as his cover photo and when I asked him about it he said that she’s just a friend and that I’m always assuming the worst. So I told him that if she’s just a friend to add me back on Facebook to prove that he’s not hiding anything but he refuses to do this and for that reason I broke up with him because I will forever be thinking he is hiding something from me. I also blocked him on whatsapp so he can see how it feels just being blocked for no reason and we haven’t spoken to each other since. So what I wanna know is did I make the right decision? I really do like him and I know he feels the same and we’ve been fine with each other before all this happened and now I don’t know what to do or think. Why is he being so stubborn? If he’s really got nothing to hide he would of just added me back right? I really didn’t want to end it I just felt really hurt by the whole situation and now I’m stuck. Please reply back I really need some advice.

    Thanks,
    Nina

  110. mila
    April 1, 2014 at 3:03 pm (235 days ago)

    Hello-
    I dated a guy for about two montha starting this past november 2013, we really hit it off and he really liked me both with his actions and words. Finally towards the end of january 2014, he started pulling away and making himself inavailable to me and texted me less and long to reply. I confrontes him with issue and tried reassuring him and stuff, he said hes falling more for me everytime we talk and he feels uncomfortable about the secrecy of our relationship with my family. I tried reassuring him and then asked if its over and he said no hes still going to see me and talk to me. We didnt talk for a week afterwards and finally i reinitated contact, we were ok but it felt like i was trying too hard so i confronted him again about the same issue 1 1/2 week later. He stopped contacting me, seeing me and was avoiding me. I finally found one of his friends on facebook whom ive never met and asked whats going on with my guy, he said things change and for whatever reason he doesnt want to try anymore and told me to move on. So 2 days later i saw my guy and asked if i could talk to him he said sure, he obviously knew i messaged his friend (seemed pissed off about it and i understant it was a stupid and creepy thing to do), i tried asking what was going on between us and why he was being mean he said he isnt trying to and he wasnt ever looking at me while talking and didnt speak much saying he doesnt know what to say finally he said he wants me to leave him alone so i walked away also saying he should text me whenever he wants to talk and he said ok. Now its officially been a month of NC but i have seen him a few times since we both go to the same college. Hes a stubborn guy and likes being alone and play his guitar but i know hes been working a lot now and hanging out with his friends almost everyday. When i see him, we just pass by like strangers. The first time i directly saw him 2 weeks ago we looked right at eachother, stopped, and just looked away and passed by eachother. Why is he avoiding me and ignoring me like i dont exist? What happened to all those feelings he had for me or respect? Yesterday i saw him but ive been healing greatly and think about him less. I was dressed super cute, always do, lol, and i passed by him but didnt even glance at him whereas he did. Then i saw him again where he usually sits. Is he ever going to reconcile with me or be nice or is this thing gonna go on forever? Is he thinking of me or miss me? Will he come back to talk or to end things better? I feel like i cant move on only because he never directly broke up with me, he just kinda fading and disappeared. Does he ever think about us and the memories we made? It sucks cus i still miss him. I was thinking of waiting another month before giving him a friendly letter about apologizing for my behavior and that hes a good person and that we both deserve peace and be amiable and that he deserves to be happy and i can never fully give that to him.. i would really appreciate some insight on this. Thank you!

  111. Cindy Dsouza
    April 8, 2014 at 6:42 pm (228 days ago)

    hi,
    I and my boyfriend are not talking with each other from past two months . He has been silent does not talk when he is online on facebook and other social networking sites when i ask him question sometimes he reply otherwise no. It happened one day he had called and i was busy on another call i then called him up he said that your line is busy it seems you have got another guy in your life. I said i am loyal i dont flurt and he knows very well that i have soft corner for him. He said its your life you can do anything what you want then why did he say this statement that he felt i am with other guy. I always text him goodnight and ask him twice in a week how is he but he replies very less. Whenever i ask him if he is in love with other person he can tell me if he is happy i have no problem. He says that he has no partner in his life and got lots of tensions in his life but never shares with me. I love him lots and i always want that he be happy but i always dream that to be with him as his wife. My birthday is approaching and i dont know whether he will spend time with me as he is saying he is not sure as he got to go for an important work. Firstly he used to always meet me twice in a week but from past two months i have never met him. His love has disappeared i dont know how to bring it back. He does not be online much even if he be does not talk with me at all. I stopped communicating with him when he talks then only i reply. I feel very hurt from inside. I dont know what reason made him far away from me and he does not even tell me why is he changed. He always say to me that its your life and he cant interfere but he was the one to say when he used to love me and care for me that its not your life its our life. By doing No Contact will any solution come up. Please tell me

    Regards
    Cindy

  112. Lucy
    April 10, 2014 at 7:37 pm (226 days ago)

    Hey
    My ex and I broke up almost 4 weeks ago after 1 year and 9 months together. He was my bestfriend and i had had him in the friendzone for 9 months before we got together. Well as you can tell i really want him back. We broke up because he didn’t want the commitment, and i can also see now that i wasn’t the most wonderful girlfriend in the world, but he started flirting with girls whilst we were together toward the end. Also the day after we broke up he was flirting with this one girl and now they’re like best friends but she fancies him and he wants to have sex with her. He told me.
    anyway i tried the ignore thing and it lasted about 1/2 weeks until he messaged me begging me not to hate him and if we could be friends.
    He told me that he would go back out with me but then it would just be an endless cycle and he didn’t want to hurt me. We became really good friends again, and now we’re have a fling. It’s weird because i met up with him and went round his house and we had the best sex ever. He ended up hugging me after and treating me like i was his girlfriend sorta, except he was more forward about touching me and didn’t hold my hand like he used to. I also stopped kissing him and he got upset and said he liked kissing me. However he still has a thing for this other girl…
    they have only kissed and snogged though. But he wants to have sex with her.
    Urghh i don’t want him to have her, i want him to love me again but will having this fling allow that to happen or should i got back to ignoring him or should i stop the fling and just be friends and urghh
    I don’t know what to do. I just want to be able to hold his hand again and i tell him i love him and know that he is there to listen and protect me.
    I miss him but I’m worried he’s moved on and i am just his toy he uses when he’s bored or needs to relieve himself.
    Help me :/

  113. Sarah
    April 11, 2014 at 1:34 am (226 days ago)

    Hi Gillian,
    My situation is very confusing. My ex broke up with me in a rage 5 days ago. I was living at his house (dating 2 months) and he had called and seemed upset about something. I ended up calling back 5 minutes later saying honey is something wrong you sound upset? and he responded in swearing and saying its over that I can’t allow him to have mood swings and I don’t “get” his personality. He then texted me leave his house, and leave him alone. I was in shock. I went back that night and we ended up sleeping together and him saying sorry and that he wanted to work things out, and asked if I did too. I said yes. The next day he called at noon, I asked if he still wanted to work things out and if we were seeing each other later and he responded yes and yes that he meant it. A couple hours later I got a text saying he needed to be alone and doesn’t want to get back together. He came over that night just outside my house to give me closure saying he loves me as a person, that in his mind I am perfect but he needs to find himself and he feels he isn’t in love with me anymore. It has been hard for me to stop contact and I didn’t for the first 5 days- I did not text him or call him often but I would at least once per day. I went over the other night he welcomed me in with open arms- asked why I was there. I said I don’t know I just felt like coming, and he hugged me kissed my forehead said he loved me as a person and that he cares for me so much and how pretty I looked. I told him I was glad we broke up. Then he asked me to sleep over which I was reluctant but ended up doing because I really do love him and I hadn’t been sleeping without him. We made love and he kept saying how much he loves how I smell and how beautiful I am and was a little jealous kept asking if I had gone on dates with other men. He couldn’t keep his hands off me or stop kissing or cuddling me after. Then the next morning we joked around a bit and he said it was so confusing and I was messing with his mind however that night I never said I loved him or wanted him in any way. I texted him that morning saying I was sorry for messing with his mind I didn’t mean to hurt him and that he was different than I thought and I was happy for the break up he responded “Whatever”. I ended up going crazy later that day because I have never slept with an ex before- its confusing and devastating- I thought we’d get back together, so I kept calling and he told me to leave him alone and eff off he needed to think and be alone. As of now I have told him again that I am glad we broke up and that it is good we have broken up. I wished him well and he wished me well back. Now I am completely ignoring him and I will just wait until he messages me . Do you think he will? I don’t understand his actions, to my face he is so loving but then texts me to eff off and cuts our phone conversations after a few minutes. He still answers everything though. I will not contact him again but I am struggling. Please respond I feel like I have gotten hit by a bus … Thank you :)

    • Sarah
      April 11, 2014 at 1:44 am (226 days ago)

      I forgot to explain our relationship before the day we broke up. He called me at least 5x a day to talk when he was working. He would text first almost always and I’d mostly let him call first. He did all the chasing. He wanted babies and a house together and kept telling me I was the one- but I never brought those things up. He had chased me for so long before we dated – I had turned him down 10 x!! Finally I gave in and he began telling me he loved me . I took my time with that as well. He was so eager to meet my whole family and for me to meet his. We were inseparable. A few days before the breakup things felt different- still loving but not as crazy in love as usual. Very strange but I thought it was just because he was away on work and tired. We never fought and from what I could see our relationship was what dreams are made of. I have never been so cared for by a man and never felt so loved for everything that I am. And I loved him with everything I had he was my honey and it doesn’t seem like we were together long but constant contact and talking (sometimes 10 hours on the phone a day!!) plus seeing each other at night and knowing each other for a while before that seemed like the pace we were moving was right.

  114. Booplady
    April 11, 2014 at 5:59 pm (225 days ago)

    Hi Gillian,

    I hope you can answer my question. I am going through what may of the women who contact you are with trying to get their ex back. My story: My ex and I were together exactly 1 year and three months, with 9 of those months of us living together. About 7 months in we started arguing and having troubles over numerous things like, bills, blending of our children, some legal issues he has been dealing with and me not giving him the attention he craves. He is a very sensitive, emotional man who is definitely more needy than any man I have ever dated and I didn’t know how to deal with it. In October of 2013, he was fed up and moved all of his stuff out in one day, but returned the next after him and I cried over the phone and him agreeing to give me another chance. I was terrified of losing him and tried for about two weeks before slipping back into my lazy ways of not giving him the one on one attention he needed. He stuck it out until this past February when he moved out for good. Just like before, the next day we talked an cried and he agreed that he didn’t want us to break up but that we couldn’t live together. He took responsibility for being over emotional and not controlling his feelings and anger and I agreed that I could have tried harder as well. We stayed together but found it harder and harder not to fight about things almost everyday. He still made time by coming over a few times through the week and spending the night and me, my kids and I would go over to his new place on the weekends sometimes (the place I actually found for him) and spend time together as a blended family. He told me numerous times, sometimes in tears how much he loved me and my kids. Well, two weeks ago after a big fight were we ended up screaming at each other when I was supposed to come over, he finally said he couldn’t do it anymore that we were done. Unlike the first time I agreed although I was upset. We still talked briefly off an on and I even came over and watched a movie with him two days after the break up. A day after that while trying to still be on good terms, I would call him and get upset when he wouldn’t stay on the phone with me or call me back like he used to when we were together which resulted in me acting crazy and sending the crazy upset texts that he didn’t respond to. He would finally respond the next day by saying ‘ I’m stressed and I don’t want to argue, I upset you too much and it scares me’. I even drove by his house shortly after we broke up when he responded to a text I sent him saying he was sorry that he through out his back and was on medication and going to bed early, which I thought was out of character for him because he rarely took medication. Feeling a weird feeling in my stomach I drove by his house and could have swore I saw a woman sitting on his front porch smoking (this was at 11 at night so it was hard to see). I then processed to call him and leave 24 messages for the next hour until he finally called me back. He swore up and down that he was at his brothers and he wasn’t with anyone. I let it go since we were technically broken up and I didn’t want to fight anymore. Finally, three days after this occurred I sent him a text apologizing for my crazy behavior after the breakup as well as the things that contributed to the break up. I told him that I was accepting the break up and would be working on my issues and that I loved him and wanted to remain friends. I also told him I wouldn’t be contacting him and would give him his space. He responded the next day that he was coming to get the last of his stuff. He called me that night to check on me, we had a short conversation told each other we loved each other and hung up. He called me the next day before I left work telling me he missed me and I agreed that I missed him too but that I needed to work on myself and I was able to verbalize to him what I did wrong through the relationship, which he was happy to hear that I finally got it. He told me again that he missed an loved me and said twice
    ‘ who knows what will happen a few weeks or a month from now’. I responded that it was important to me to work on myself and to fix my issues because I didn’t want to repeat the same mistakes again. He agreed and in a week moment because were getting along and really communicating for the first time in a long time, I asked if I could come over and watch a movie as a friend. He declined and said he was tired and would be going to bed early and it crushed me. I told him ‘ok’ and hung up. That was this past Tuesday. I am trying hard to do the ‘NO Contact’ thing and I have not called or texted him. I plan on only responding to him if he contacts me first, and even then I plan on waiting a day or two to get back. I am worried that since I haven’t heard from him in 4 days he’s moved on with someone else and no longer cares? Since he is very emotional and doesn’t like to be neglected or ignored (the root of why we broke up), will the no contact back fire on me with him? I look forward to your reply.

    Cheri

    P.S. SORRY SO LONG!

    • Peace
      April 26, 2014 at 3:57 pm (210 days ago)

      hie.. i recently was with my boyfriend for like about 4 months and we work at the same shopping centre. Everyday we see each other and thats why we fell for each other and we are very closed to each other. But then something happen between us. There is this number called me a few times but then my boyfriend told me to ignore the number. But then its getting irritating so i pick up the call without him knowing it. Guess what its his wife!! What makes me believe is that shes willing to proof it to me that hes married to her for 11 years. Well my boyfriend is 37 amd im 26 but he kept telling me that hes single parent like me. So after knowing it i ignore him as i know his wife already told him that i know. When we saw each other he told me that he loves me and still wants to keep me. I told him i can’t because i already know that he got a wife! Then he said we can still be friends but i can’t! How can i be friends with the person i already in love with? He say he will talk to me again coz hes busy with his work. But then after that he told me he will try not to talk to me and hes hoping for me to do that too. But i can’t! I still love him. Its been a few days we’ve been ignoring each other and he didn’t even text me a singlemsg at all! i miss him i love him!! what should i do please help me!

    • Gillian Reynolds
      May 3, 2014 at 4:46 pm (203 days ago)

      Hi Peace – He’s married. You know what the right thing to do is. Being involved with a married man is going to cause you nothing but heartache. As painful as it is, you need to end this if you have any hope of finding happiness. Any man who would cheat on his wife with another woman will tend to cheat on the other woman with someone else. It’s a messy situation. Do what you need to do now to make sure you’re emotionally healthy. In life and love, Gillian

    • Gillian Reynolds
      May 3, 2014 at 5:22 pm (203 days ago)

      Hi Cheri – You really do need time apart to sort through things. I hope you’ve been able to do that and I hope that you two have made some progress in your relationship. I wish you nothing but the best. In life and love, Gillian

  115. Petra
    April 19, 2014 at 9:34 pm (217 days ago)

    Hello,my ex boyfriend of 3,5 years broke up with me 4 months ago. We have seen each other 3 times since ( one we slept together ) and the last time at the beginning of March. He admitted to me 2 weeks ago that he can’t stop thinking and fantasising about me. We planned on seeing each other and he was very keen but pulled away and now barely talks to me. He said he doesn’t want to keep hurting me. We have been in constant touch since the break up but now he barely texts back. He agreed to see me soon but I am not sure if that happens. I have been too pushy and emotional and have probably pushed him for good :( …please help!

    • Gillian Reynolds
      May 3, 2014 at 5:11 pm (203 days ago)

      Hi Petra – You need to start no contact today. That’s truly the best route for you to take. He needs to experience life without you if he’s ever going to appreciate you. In life and love, Gillian

  116. Cat
    April 20, 2014 at 4:50 am (217 days ago)

    Hi Gillian,

    I’d like to say I have an “unusual” situation, but nowadays, what’s “usual”?!

    There’s a guy who’s been in my life for 3.5 years. For the first 6 months, we were officially committed to each other, then he broke off the “title”- saying we weren’t “firing on all cylinders” and though he knew what I wanted and deserved, he knew he wasn’t capable of giving it to me. He said he knew though, that he couldn’t picture his life without me.

    The next 8 months had basically no difference in our relationship, just no title. Then I started to question him and what he wanted long-term, if he had himself figured out, if he thought he could give me what I wanted, etc. That drove some distance between us. He historically withdraws from emotional conversation and always falls back on “well, I’ve always been honest with you, and we’re not together…so if you’re not happy, you can leave.” So we then spent a few months going through a pattern of being close and hanging out a lot, to me trying to check in and see where we stood, to periods of more space. Of course, he loves no official commitment because when he sleeps with another girl, there was no “official obligation” to be faithful to me.

    Then we spent 6 months of being great…hanging out all the time, no fighting, very affectionate. Then the pattern continued. Within the past 6 months, we spent a month apart with virtually no contact, then he came over and told me how much he loves me and cares about my happiness and again how much he wants me in his life. (We have exchanged “I love you’s” many times before this.) The two months after that were very romantic and passionate. Then two months of him being very distant came. Not responding to all texts and only hanging out like once a week. We fought a lot too. We finally talked it out, but he said he still wants space. Then enter the confession that he’s been sleeping with at least one other girl a few times a month for the past several months (including when we were doing really well). He has battled alcohol, gambling and anger issues our whole relationship (and before I knew him), but our fights always revolve around me wanting more and him suggesting more space. Well, yesterday I ended it. I told him my heart hurts over the whole situation. I told him I’m unhappy and that won’t change until he figures himself out. I told him I will not accept being one of a number of girls in his rotating line-up. (Please know that we’ve gone on many vacations together and have met and spent holidays with each others’ families.) At this point, I’m at peace with no contact. I feel like it’s his turn to feel like he’s not getting what he wants from me (to always have me in his back pocket). I feel fine about no contact, but do you think he’ll ever come forward realizing he misses me and wants me to be the only one in his life?

    • Gillian Reynolds
      May 3, 2014 at 5:09 pm (203 days ago)

      Hi Cat – It’s really hard to know what he’s going to do. Until he can respect you, any chance of a relationship working between you two won’t exist. I think he may be incapable of emotional attachment. Often, when a person is an addict, that’s what happens. They pull others into their lives so they won’t get too close to one person – that would explain his desire to sleep with others. You’re remarkably strong to break it off and I think you’ve really done what’s best for you. Until he cleans up his act in every way possible, it’s hard to know whether he’ll miss you. But for now, you need to live your own life and try to build a future that includes people who see you as a gift and who value you. In life and love, Gillian

  117. Liz
    April 22, 2014 at 5:46 am (215 days ago)

    Hi,

    My ex boyfriend just broke up with me yesterday. We were in a long distance relationship when he lives in Australia and I live in Vietnam. He’s 23 and I’m 22.

    We have been together for only 3 weeks. I know it’s a very short period but things between us grew so fast. We met through an online dating site. He wrote on his profile that he was looking for a loving and faithful wife to buid a family in the future; and my profile read that I was seeking a serious long-term relationship.

    We began chatting and hit off straight away because we have many common interests like reading comic, discovering the wildlife, nature and animals, kinds of food, etc. Also I know a lot about his country, language and culture because I used to live in Australia for 3 years. So we never ran out of topics when we talked.

    Before me, he had an ex girlfriend. She’s also Asian (My ex boyfriend said he was attracted to Asian girls). They lasted for 4 months before she cheated on him. He came to me a few days after they broke up. And he said to me that he wanted honesty and no lies in a new relationship. I personally did experience how it hurt when betrayed, so we promised each other that we woulld be completely sincere never flirt behind each other’s back, and if we became cold then we would let the other person know.

    Our feelings for each other developed really quick. We chatted everyday. Since our time zones are just 1 hour different so we chatted in the morning before we went to work, at noon when we had lunch, in the evening when we came home, at night before going to bed. His job is physically damanding so when he got home, he was tired and didn’t really want to video chat. Therefore we just chatted on Facebook and Yahoo. We exchanged many cute pictures, voice recordings saying sweet words. I recorded some love songs for him, and even sent home intimate pictures to him when he asked. He said he loved them all and very grateful for them. I also loved and appreciated what he did for me. I always treat him kind; be sweet, soft, gentle, supporting and non-judgmental to him. So did he. We could make each other smile and laugh all the time.

    He said he was totally in love with me and his feelings had never been so strong and true. He deactivated his dating profile just 2 days after we started talking. I deleted mine some days after he did. We were totally true and genuine to each other, at least that what I felt.

    In the second week, after I sent him my intimate photos for the first time, he confessed that he was super attracted to me physically. But at the same time he said he didn’t care for looks, but personality, heart and soul. He said that he was totally into me in every way, that he loved me and he asked me to marry him one day. I answered him yes because he seemed so honest, open-minded and warm-hearted, and most of all I love him.

    We continued to be lovely dovey in the third week when we made plan to visit each other. He planned to save for a trip to meet me and my family this year, then i would go to see his family. He always said he couldn’t wait to be with be side by side, to hug me, to kiss me, to make love, to live with me in our very own family. He said he felt so blessed to have met me and had me for himself. I was very happy as well to have got to know such a family oriented man at that age.

    Then yesterday all of a sudden, he did’t reply my Facebook message I left before I went to work. When I was on luch break, I asked him how his day was going. And my world fell apart when he replied me that he could not continue because he had been feeling overwhelmed with the long geographical distance between us. He desired to hold me in his arm but he could’t do anything, which made him very unhappy, lonely and stressed. He explained that I was too amazing, which made him love me too much, miss me too much, want to be together with me all the time. Yet, he could’t reach out for me, he could’t cope with the distance.

    I convinced him to give us a second chance. He said maybe in the future when he’s stronger and more stable minded, but not now. He told me now he needed to let go of me to find his head.

    I accepted that and let him free. I thanked him for all what he did and the hapiness he brought to me, and I wished he would find who and what he really wanted in the future and live happily. We said goodbye. He has blocked my facebook since then. I sent some final words to his email, and I haven’t contacted him since then.

    Before when we were dating, his ex did tried to get him back through Facebook posts. I asked him very politely and respectfully, for just one time, that i was not comfortable with that. Then he set her straight and we moved forwards.

    He said he left me for himself, not for his ex. I want to think so, but i’m also wondering whether it was because I sent him my intimate pictures too easily and made him lose interest in me.

    If the reason he told me is true, I could understand, and I also think it’s good that he told me early. However I’m confused as why his emotion changed to quickly. Just in the night before, we talked happily and he sent me recordings saying “happy Easter”, and “I love you so much, always have a great sleep after talking to you, goodnight baby”. Then the next morning he wanted to call a break.

    I think I will give him some space and won’t contact him. I love him and respect his decision. Anyway I cannot force his heart. I’m just unsure whether the 3 week time is long enough for him to have any truly deep feeling and commitment to me, whether he would miss me, whether he would want me back. Even though before he always, always said that he was committed to me, that he would wait for me and never let go of my hand because i was exactly the dream girl he was seeking…

    Thank you dear for your patience to read this long story. At least I feel more relieved now as I have poured out my heart.

    Best regards,
    Liz

    • Gillian Reynolds
      May 3, 2014 at 5:05 pm (203 days ago)

      Hi Liz – I’m so sorry. This is very difficult. I think you need to move forward and try and find someone else. Three week is such a short time and the fact that he had just ended another relationship is telling. He may have just needed to feel wanted again since he felt so betrayed by his ex. When a man truly, deeply and passionately loves a woman he does everything he can to be with her. The fact that he blocked you on facebook and is avoiding you speaks volumes. I’m sorry this happened. I wish you a happier future. In life and love, Gillian

  118. AllOverThePlace
    April 22, 2014 at 11:48 pm (214 days ago)

    Hi Gillian,
    I’m hoping you can help, just a little bit. My situation is a tad complex and maybe not really suited for this site but I will try nonetheless.

    My ‘ex’ (I use quotations as he hasn’t completely left yet) walked out on me 6 days ago after 6 months of being together. His reason being is we have found out that I have unexpectedly fallen pregnant. He has stated the HE is in no position to have a child, which is true and basically packed half of his stuff and left.

    Our relationship up until that point aw great, only the occasional bicker over something trivial. He was attentive and caring. He recently lost his job which placed financial pressure on me to make ends meet. Since losing his job he had started spending more time with his friends, which annoyed me occasionally but I accepted.

    Anyway after packing half of his belongings and going he has been ‘hot and cold’ in his conversations with me. I initiated conversations and basically forced him to talk to me, which I can see now was counter productive.

    He claims he needs time, he may come back. I started if ignoring him yesterday and I have never recieved so many texts from him!! He kept asking if I was okay and then they started getting more desperate, so I replied to put him out of his misery. I initially was begging, pleading for him to come back and now I have switched to friendly banter – I don’t think he is handling that well. He didn’t know I worked yesterday and while I was at work he called me 8 times and sent numerous texts, in what I believe to be was genuine concern. However when I responded to him, he immediately went cold and started giving me short statements that are impossible to make conversation from.

    At this stage I haven’t recieved any texts or calls from him today and I haven’t tried to contact him. Should I keep ignoring him? Do you think it is working? I know my situation is a bit peculiar but I just want to know if what I am doing is the right thing.

    Thanks in advance :)

    • Gillian Reynolds
      May 3, 2014 at 5:00 pm (203 days ago)

      Hi there – You’re a master at this. :) You’re doing everything just as you should. Keep up the good work and congratulations on the baby. In life and love, Gillian

  119. Yvonne
    April 26, 2014 at 1:43 am (211 days ago)

    Hi I hope you can help me. Me and my ex were together 3.5 years and he broke up with me 3 weeks ago, well he called it a break because our relationship had recently become long distance and he said that he did not know what he wanted anymore. The night of this he told me that he does still love and care for me but does not know what he wants anymore. He said the distance thing is hard for him because we only saw each other about every 2 weeks or so. He said he needed time to figure things out. Since then we have been in contact once, few messages to establish if this was to be a break up or just a break. And he clarified it as a break. You see the thing is I was his first girlfriend and his first yano. So since he moved home he has some new friends (that I did not exactly like) and I think they are behind this because they are all single and are all going out together. What I am wondering is what is the right amount of time for the no contact because I am struggling since day 1. I have to remind myself not to text him, I used to tell him everything and I just feel empty with out. We had plans that once my school ends, end of may, we were going to move in together closer to where he works and had spoke of starting a family together and everything. I hope he is not throwing everything away. I miss him so much everyday is a struggle, I continue to look at old pictures of us together and read the notes he used to send me, even old text messages in order to get threw the days.

    What is the right amount of time to leave him cool off before I try contacting him? I have noticed that he hasn’t been goin out as much as usual in the past week and as far as I can tell he is not talking to anyone, his friends said they have hardly seen him.

    Please I need your help. He is the one I am supposed to spend the rest of my life with and I need him to realise that. I need him back in my life, there is a huge hole since he left.

    Thank you

    • Gillian Reynolds
      May 3, 2014 at 4:51 pm (203 days ago)

      Hi Yvonne -No contact needs to be at least three weeks to a month. I know that’s very hard, but it’s essential. One thing that will probably help is to store away all of those things you keep looking at. Each time you view an old picture or read a note you are reopening that wound. If you can stop looking at those things, you’re going to find that the days pass easier. Men will often tell a woman that they need a break when they essentially just want to see what else is out there while still holding onto the woman they were with. Essentially – they are testing new waters to see if they like it while keeping the other woman on hold. You don’t want to be on hold. He knows that you’re waiting for him and that empowers him. The moment you appear to be moving on, he’ll see that he is actually at risk of losing you. Try to avoid all contact with him, don’t look at anything that reminds you of him and start living your own life again. You need to show him that you can make it without him. In life and love, Gillian

  120. Kelly
    April 28, 2014 at 10:18 am (209 days ago)

    Hi, my ex and I were together for 6 months, we had a great relationship. He said I was ”the one”, his soulmate, and the only girl he’d ever loved. I felt the same. So when he dumped me for no real reason, I was devastated. Yeah, I tend to be a bit jealous of other girls he talks to etc., but I never told him to not talk to other girls. I was insecure as we lived an hour apart and we contacted mostly on facebook.
    When he broke up with me, I started messaging him asking for us to try again, he responded with ”no, its over, move on now”. Its like he didnt care anymore and fell out of love.
    The day before we broke up we were perfectly happy, id spent a nice few days at his place and he told me he would always love me, yet he dumped me the next day.
    I messaged him a few things I didnt mean, as I was angry. My last message to him was a good luck message, as he had an interview the next day, he didnt respond to this.
    What will I do now, I still really believe we are meant to be together! But he is ignoring me completely. He is putting up happy statuses on facebook like he’s moved on.
    Please give me some advice! I feel empty without him

    • Gillian Reynolds
      May 3, 2014 at 4:44 pm (203 days ago)

      Hi Kelly – I’m sorry you have to go through this. I can tell – from what you wrote – that he means a lot to you. First and most importantly, block him on all social media sites – including facebook. Not only are you torturing yourself by looking at his status updates, but he’s likely toying with you by posting things he knows will hurt you or anger you. If you block him, it’s not going to take long for him to notice. It sends a very strong and clear message to him that you’re actually moving on. Once a man feels that, he tends to panic and he’ll rush back. Also, do whatever you can to avoid contacting him at all. Delete him number from your phone if you have to. It’s important that you do everything within your power to avoid him for at least a few weeks. In life and love, Gillian

  121. Kloe
    April 28, 2014 at 2:50 pm (208 days ago)

    hi Gillian
    i’m Constance and my story is very different from everything I’ve read in here so far.
    I have met this guy online and he was looking for a workout partner, which I was also looking. We met the same day and went in the gym together we connected immediately. After that day, we kept in touch, he was texting me, calling me,,, then a week after that, he invited me at his place for diner, I went there, we hangout together, then it was time for me to go home, it was really late. he di not want me to leave that late so he invited me to share his bed, I did not want at first, but I end up sleeping over his place that night, and we had sex. I left the next day, he called me, and continue texting, we went back to the gym again… then recently, he is just slowing down, he does not call anymore, he does not text anymore. I do really like him, he broke up on December with his ex, I broke up in January, he is 39 single without kids, I am 33 single with no kids as well. I don’t know what to do but I do wanna build something with him because I like him, but the that he is not calling me hurt me so bad, help me please, tell me what to do. thanks in advance.

    • Gillian Reynolds
      May 3, 2014 at 4:41 pm (203 days ago)

      Hi Constance – Unfortunately, when you slept with him so quickly, you actually pushed him away. I know that sounds illogical but men see sex so much differently than we do. Men label us when we share ourselves too quickly and it can actually cause them to lose interest. You like him and you enjoy spending time with him so you need to contact him in a way that is only friendship based. You have to keep the intimacy out of the equation for now. I suggest you text him and ask him out for a coffee or a lunch. Then discuss something completely unrelated to your relationship. If you can establish a friendship with him, that will help build a new connection. Good luck! In life and love, Gillian

  122. Nikki
    April 30, 2014 at 9:34 pm (206 days ago)

    HI Gillian,

    I’m not sure if you still read the comments on here since this is an old post. I came across this post in desperation to win my ex bf back. Before this breakup we were very in love. However; 2 months ago I decided to move home which made our relationship long distance. We did agree that we would fly back and forth to see each other. However, during the two months I went crazy with my insecurities and was starting stupid fights with him. He finally broke up with me over two weeks ago saying that he doesn’t love me anymore and that he doesn’t think we’re compatible. I’m very heartbroken since I did not see this coming. Now I know he’s a very hard headed person and once he makes a decision on something, there’s no chance he’ll change his mind. After the break up I realized I took him for granted all these years and I should have treated him better. A week after he broke up with me I called and texted him and suggested to get back together but he told me to stop trying and let him go. I’ve never been so depressed in my life. I really want to get back with him because deep down in my heart I know we complete each other. Since he’s so stern on his decision do you think I have a chance of getting him back if I just follow your advice above? Please help me, thank you!

    • Gillian Reynolds
      May 3, 2014 at 4:37 pm (203 days ago)

      Hi Nikki – Right now he really just needs space. I know it’s so hard to not want to reach out and talk with him but he needs a chance to cool down and to pull his feelings together. Men take a lot longer to process emotional things and if you crowd him by pressuring him into talking or if you tell him repeatedly you want him back, that’s only going to push him away. Do everything within your power to just let things be as they are now. Once he feels calmer, there’s a very good chance he’ll want to talk. If you haven’t heard anything from him within the next two weeks – send him a very short message essentially saying you’re sorry and you hope he’s doing well. In life and love, Gillian

  123. Robyn
    May 3, 2014 at 3:14 am (204 days ago)

    My ex broke up with me 2 weeks ago. Since then he has contacted me 14 times. I have answered his questions but didn’t ask him any. He used the excuse that he wanted to pick his things up and would I like o grab a bite to eat? I finally just mailed his things. He told me if I’m interested in grabbing a bite to eat or go see a ball game to let him know. I just asked one word, “Why?” He answered back, “No reason, I won’t bother you again, take care

    What is that all about?

    • Gillian Reynolds
      May 3, 2014 at 4:32 pm (203 days ago)

      Hi Robyn – He’s testing the waters – so to speak. He’s trying to get you to react in an emotional way to feed something within him. I have to say I’m incredibly impressed with how you’re handling yourself. My guess is he’ll continue this behavior until he finally confesses that he misses you and wants you back. In life and love, Gillian

  124. tracy
    May 3, 2014 at 1:39 pm (203 days ago)

    THE BEST ADVICE. Do not, I repeat DO NOT listen to all the male Get your ex back programs , you will hurt yourself in the process as a female , get called crazy and get disrespected. Just ignore him and go on with your life, BE HAPPY AND LOOK GOOD,TRUST ME all of my ex boyfriends have eventually returned. it could be a month of 5 years but they all return. Do nothing but ignore them, it drives them crazy.
    Ignoring does not work with women for ex boyfriends to get them back BUT it works with men

  125. Ellie
    May 5, 2014 at 3:41 am (202 days ago)

    My Boyfriend is a special case, we have been together for 4 years now, at about two years he was diagnosed with end stage liver disease and ended up getting a transplant. We do not live together because of this, His transplant was over a year ago, and he has started to be able to go out and do things again, he enjoys going to ballgames with his friends very much.

    The last game he went to, his friend of many years, (who I think is an a**) took a very unexpected, and unflattering picture of him and tagged him in it, posting it on facebook. He then humiliatingly went on to caption the picture who is this confused old man? :( I was saddend by this action and wrote a message for him to remove the picture, he did not, and when my boyfriend saw it he was devastated! he closed down his facebook account and I was so sad and shaken to see that happen, as my boyfriend and I have a lot of contact there. Then to further complicate things, I told an old friend of his to F**k off, for about 10 seconds I posted and deleted it…in a flash! because I thought if my boy friend were off FB I wouldn’t have to put up with her flirting with him any more! Like she always did.

    SO, when I spoke to him a few hours later, he was very sad about his appearance in the picture, and said he looked like he was dying :( and was very distant to, and said he would just have to get used to the fact that he looked like that now. :( (When the day before he felt like he was a virile teenager!) then he brought up what I had said to his friend, :( she messaged him the info that I had told her to F ***k Off. SO I tried to explain that to him, and that I deleted it and why I said it, but I stuttered and spurted and told him I didn’t want to talk about her right now.. I asked if we could please meet tomorrow, and he said he didn’t know. :(

    That was four weeks ago, and I’ve only gotten two texts from him saying that he hadn’t replied to my texts or calls, 1. because of the ‘new’ me and 2. Because he’d been in the hospital last week with an infection. Yesterday he sent one saying that he was still suffering from the infection and it was serious. today he wouldn’t respond for anything,

    He has blocked me from his messenger since the second day of this., and won’t answer the phone, but at least I know he is getting my texts. I am worried about him, I love him endlessly, and I want him back! I try to respect what he wants, by not acting like a total stalker, but its hard. he is either some place else, or acting like he isn’t home, he doesn’t have a car, so its hard to tell. I have called only three times, texted way to much, maybe 20 texts he hasn’t answered and gone over twice, but to no avail!

    Should I just back off for a couple of days, I also have apologized to his friend but she hasn’t acknowledged it at all.

  126. Kay
    May 5, 2014 at 7:48 pm (201 days ago)

    Hi, My partner broke up with me a week ago saying that he isn’t ready for a relationship and needs space and that he is sure there is someone perfect out there for me etc. I think he has done this because he felt that the only way to get any space was to end the relationship.
    If i give him space, back off, tell him I’m actually ok with it and that he is right and i need to move on (the opposite of the behavior he is expecting from me as I’ve been understandably angry and upset) and not hassle him with texts etc, do you think that the male psychology will kick in and he will miss me and contact me?
    I have been told that men like to think that they are wanted and as he is in control of the break up that he could have me back at any time, therefore if I am not chasing him and he thinks that he is rejected and he has actually lost me.
    I had asked him to meet up with me tomorrow and my plan was to look amazing in something he likes me in and then act very casual and ok with the break up in order to make him think twice without him realizing it.
    Do you think its wise to meet up and maybe he will see the girl he fell for and try the male psychology route or should i just back right off and let him come to me?
    Thanks

  127. Loulou
    May 7, 2014 at 1:11 am (200 days ago)

    Hi gillian
    Its been a while!
    My ex and i finally spoke! Its been 4 months..
    He was very honest about his feelings as was i. He still howver was unsure as to how we can continue, due to the distance. He also said how does it not worry me that if we got married and had our major arguments that we would not work out. We spoke for 3 hours! However he told me that he had been on dates with 3 girls and the last girl he seemed interested in as they went on about 7 dates together and it stopped because she lost her job and she moved back to her home country. And at that point he said the only person he would do long distance with was me. He said he realized alot of things specifically comfort that he could not find with other girls. I told him i went on dates but nothing stemed from them( i did no such thing), he seemed interested and asked many questions such as where were they from and were they good looking? but he did not jealous or annoyed. And he said before it would have bothered me but not now. We are supposed to talk again maybe tomorrow. He said he would think about what we’ve spoken about since i told him i would not be his friend. He said for me and him it has to be official or not at all.
    Im overwhelmed with all the things he has told me, and tried not to let it get to me about this girl but im dying! How did he move on to dating so quickly? How do i make him pursue me alone at this point?
    I understand you are really busy, and i apologize for the long message. Could you advice me on:
    1. This other girl he was seeing and how he was not jealous of me dating despite him commenting on a picture of me and a guy the other day saying i heard thats the guy you’re dating ( when i told him that it was a friend he said what about his feelings?)- does that seem like someone that is not jealous?
    2. How do i make him pursue me at this point? Whats the game plan at this point…
    He tells me he has problems at work, hes always very busy and he is unhappy, and i was no longer there and he tried to seek comfort elsewhere. If he had time to pursue this girl, he should have time to pursue me, correct? How do i get him to do that?
    Many many thanks gillian

  128. Loulou
    May 7, 2014 at 1:16 am (200 days ago)

    P.s:
    Oh i forgot to say that he said over the 7 dates he spoke about me a lot, he said mainly positive things and very few negative things, but he said she had a lot of respect for me since i put up with him and how difficult he was. Not sure if that is supposed to tell me something, but i thought i would tell you :)

  129. jada
    May 7, 2014 at 1:29 am (200 days ago)

    Hi my ex broke up with me 5 mo’s ago, we were together for a little over 2 years, and lived together for a year and half. I’m 37 and he’s 29, he says he felt like a was trying to tie him down. I don’t think I was but that’s the way he perceived it. He says he still wants me in his life but just not in a relationship right now. He wants to be bestfriends However when we do talk he constantly brings up the subject on having kids. Neither of us has any, during our relationship I did bring up the topic a few times but I let it go.he said he wasn’t ready. But even tho were are not together anymore he still continues to bring this subject up. He knows i possibly would like to have one but I don’t bring up it anymore he does,because I’m much older than he is. If he doesn’t want the relationship and just wants me in his life as his “friend” why is he concerned about me having children if he’s not ready to have one with me? He’s more worried about it than I am. However I still love him and want to be with him he says he still has feelings for me and still Cares about but just doesn’t want to be in a relationship with me right now so why is he holding on then. PLEASE HELP

  130. Messie
    July 27, 2014 at 12:44 am (119 days ago)

    My boyfriend and I broke up 4 days ago because a friend of mine contacted him via facebook and started dogging him out and he thought it was me testing him on a fake profile because he hadn’t answered a few calls. Even though I told him it wasn’t me he does not believe me. He even found the girl’s real face book page and confronted her and she told him it was her and not me and that she did it because she was jealous, but he says I should have never lied about her not having a face book page. I just didn’t want to give out personal information. What should I do? I really love him and miss him.